Monday, January 23, 2006

unfair.. & gnawing..

things can race.. acelerate frm good to bad so quick..i had such a weird dream..i v had this dream the second time now or is it the third..its whn a dream starts to repeat itself tht i get nervous abt it.. this dream was so weird.. but thnkfully whn it was happenning i knew it was a dream.. so i was nt scared in reality.. it was abt kids who were locked in my car.. n they were gasping n choking for air.. whn this unfolded i knew it was happening again..there were two kids n two infants this time.. they had been locked in the car frm over 4 hrs.. n they r coughing away.. too weak to roll the windows down.. the infants r blue n seem lifeless.. but r twitching a lil..somehow coz of something i remember, i come to my car n see thm locked.. its raining outside.. n i open the doors for thm.. they survive..n thn i backed the car n parked it.. there were a few ppl around me in tht dream.. some of those who r always there.. n some new.. miraj.. wonder wht he was doing thre..its weird y i dreamt of this.. i sometimes wonder if i try to unravel these dreams too much... if i try to look into it too much.. mayb thts y they disturb me so much..mayb i shouldn't ponder so much over it..mayb sitting at home is getting to me.. i always used to believe tht i d never have bad dreams.. it was this staunch belief of mine.. n now it looks like it been shaken.. somehow it seems similar to the belief of my having kids..n mayb tht will b broken someday too.. sometimes it seems like my life is hanging right now.. somehow at times it feels like its just so listless..if feel guilty.. tht i cant care for someone i care so much for..totally.. i cant totally thoughts.. giving is better thn recieving.. n icant give.. howmuch ever i care.. it is nt is nt complete.. mayb thts wht makes it easier for me to contemplate the future.. even if it hurts.. i know tht wht will b done.. will have to b done..someday..someway.. i ve always been incomplete.. mayb i ll always b incomplete tht way.. mayb i ll always lack .. lack tht part of giving..

this is another blog written later on tht day.. after a few things tht happened..


i hate this... this deep rooted sadness which settles in my stomach.. an all consuming pain..much much worse than any violent anger.. which can have some kind of an outlet.. a solution..
i hate being misunderstood.. by anyone at all.. n whn i m misunderstood by tht one person who means so much .. n whn i m misunderstood for something tht concerns my attachments.. have i done anything wrong.. anything less?? mymind keeps shrieking.. it hurts.. it just plain hurts..tears of blood..wht good was controlling my temper if all it lead to was this sadness.. y i m even asking anyone else to control this temper whn all it leads to is this..this gnawing pain..this gnawing hurt.. which makes me cry.. while my mind wont.. tht stings my eyes.. actually stings my eyes.. whn i want to cry.. but my mind wont let me..

so often.. so many things.. so frequently.. hurt me so much..makes me so miserable.. so frequently..just adds on to my history of ppl who i v given the power to make me so miserable..i dont feel scooped out anymore.. i feel dead.. like i v perished.. y am i so unhappy.. so unhappy so often.. i dont want to me immature.. but y cant i b happy.. i hate this blood rolling down my cheeks..

small things.. huge things.. y cant i have someone who can bear this pain wit me.. who can stand wit me.. not push me away just coz i m so far..sometimes i feel.. all i want.. all i m begging for is some love.. some happiness.. y .. y cant i haev it.. wht have i done wrong..

imayb divya was right.. i cant take more thn this.. i cant take so much pain.. whn will i draw my limit.. whn will it end.. god.. whn i wil just stop feeling..

the hurt is so much.. so bad.. tht it all blends into one.. everything done by everyone.. its all melting like candle wax with oneanother..n it hurts.. so much...all over.. so bad.. tht i dont know whts paining.. me or my body.. or my eyes.. or my leg.. its an all consuming pain.. i wish i could just break down.. n cry..mayb its too much to ask for.. mayb i m asking for too much anywhere.. everywhere.. frm anyone.. everyone..

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