Friday, January 13, 2006

a dream

it was terrifying... even whn i still think back.. my hands go clammy... n tears just start rolling down.. n worst of all i understand thm.. n they seem justified to me.. yeah those kind of tears r the worst of all

i have nt had tht kind of a dream ever in my life.. i have nt wept tht way over a dream ever.. such a twisted convulted dream.. like it was inserted in my mind.. just to scare me.. just to horrify the wits out of me...

my dream started with all the mamis at home.. making some sweet for chirag bhai's marriage... n thn they started all scolding me for some reason.. i think i made some silly mistake.. n thn i fell on my bed.. crying.. sobbing.. n hiral didi tried to console me.. she kept asking me y i was crying so much.. n i just kept weeping.. n thn i picked up red paper.. n i shred it with my hands.. n she asked me something concerning the red paper.. n thn.. i was transported to a huge white board..

where there were pictures of me.. of the baby in my womb.. frm its inception.. thru all its beautiful child.. growing.. frm a small non living foetus.. to a living breathing kicking baby.... my baby.. i reached out to stroke my womb.. but my hand.. my wrist was painfully held by someone else.. someone whos nails were digging rightfully n possessively into my wrist.. n drawing blood.. but i dint care for tht blood.. i was trying to figure out y my womb felt flat to me..

but he would nt leave my hand.. he held only one hand.. but it felt like i was under his control..n he was rightfully staking claim.. n he was thn showing me how he had clobbered my child.. in its second last stage.. tht even though it was a risk on my life to do tht.. he had done it.. coz losing me to death was not a big deal.. he had aborted my child.. just to punish me.. he kept abusing my child n me.. he kept laughing in a wicked way.. ugly...

n helpless, i knelt down in front of the photographs of my clobbered child.. the enlarged photographs of the living being once in my womb.. n i wept.. i just kept weeping.. n wailing.. n woke up weeping.. my entire pillow was wet.. i wept for half an just would nt stop.. i kept weeping for the child i lost.. the child who s life was forced to death inside me.. i kept bringing up those photographs.. n i wept..

i wept coz i knew tht tht man.. would nt have given my child a peaceful death.. he said he did not want a child between us.. he wanted me to himself.. he also showed me how my child would have looked if it would have been born..

n i was alone thru it all..weeping.. still weeping.. the crying just dint stop.. somehow my body just dint get exhausted of crying.. even though my mind was.. i cried thru the time i was awake .. i cried whn i spoke abt the dream.. i cried after .. n i m still crying..

it was real .. its real.. n i m scared.. coz i dont want it to happen.. coz i wont b able to live with myself if it happens..

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