Friday, January 27, 2006

pure fury, pure wrath

pure fury hath no color...
i cant believe how i blew up.. n i cant believe on wht..

n now. whn i m still angry..but calmly angry..lots of things r becoming clear to me.. just a few hours ago.. i was wondering how everything around me seems so agitated...n y somehow my mind feels calm.. i was wondering how i should b going thru a riot of emotions.. but for some reason.. my mind was blank.. how under normal circumstances.. my thoughts would b so chaotic.. they would have suffocated me.. till i let thm out.. n this time.. i just was nt thinking.. so much had happened around me.. so many questions had been asked.. n i just saw it all... i answered all the questions.. absorbed all the tension.. n somehow.. remained calm.. i dont know if anyone noticed.. but i felt calm even if i dint behave or look it.. n i kept thinking.. wondering.. wht had happened to my emotions.. had they dried up n died.. or had they just had enough..

n thn i burst today.. like a pin in a box full of balloons..
over something just as tiny as a pin.. just as ordinary..

i actually threw the phone down.. i dont believe it.. i have nt seen tht kind of anger frm ages now.. years n years..

was sitting eating dinner.. whn the phone behind me rang.. so dad asked me to turn back n pick the phone.. since he was on the couch talking into his cellphone.. now since my legs still hurting i could nt turn back.. so i just put a hand out n picked the phone..n this particular phone is old so all its wires keep getting entangled.. so whn i picked up the reciever.. the phone banged down to the floor..frm its perch on the sidestand.. n so.. my dad starts yelling abt how i purposely threw down the phone..n how i m this n tht..i kept still.. n just told him tht do u think i d delibrately fling the phone down.. so he said "thts wht u ve done".. n thn.. fury clouded on my face n judgement.. n i threw.. flung.. thrashed.. the reciever on the floor.. next to his feet.. while the caller was on line.. n i sent.. now thts called deliberatly..

immediately.. masi n mom sitting there flew at my throat.. n said tht wht i did was nt right.. n i gave thm my reason.. i said i was tired of his goddamn blame game everytime.. n stuffed the food into my mouth n got up.. for the first time in my life have i stuffed food..

n thts whni realized tht pure fury.. pure wrath.. has no color.. no taste.. no sensation.. it takes over all thts in the mind.. it controls every small unit of the mind.. n dictates its behaviour.. demands it.. i could nt taste a single morsel of wht i ate.. i just know tht i ate.. n thn i washed it all down with water.. i gulped the water down so quick tht it refused to go in.. i was having it too fast.. but i choaked on it.. n washed it down..

i somehow cry on every small n huge thing now a days. how i wish i could abstain frm it.. i kept a hold on my tears til i entered the kitched to have the water.. thn they could nt b held back.. they were tears of surprise.. i dint know i could get this angry.. over something i have grown used to.. n tht too infront of a guest at home.. it was shocking.. n i cried coz i lost my control.. on myself.. n my anger.. i wish i could have controlled tht urge.. but i think i d b right if i d say tht anger took over my mind so soon.. so quick.. tht i dint have time to analyze tht i could control it.. i dint even realized wht i d done till i was doing it..

pure fury.. pure wrath.. hath no color.. no control.. no clarity..

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