Sunday, January 15, 2006

a call

i wonder y he called.. it was.. 15 jan.. nothing special.. no occasion.. no anniversary nothing.. i wonder y he called.. i dint expect it at all..

tht pleases me.. tht i dint expect his call.. lol i hardly have a reason for expecting his call.. whn the phone flashed.. i saw his name on it.. i had saved his number.. n i was confused.. i picked up the call.. expecting silence.. n thts wht i got..

for a few seconds.. thn i made the mistake of excusing myself frm my mom saying tht i had to take my medicines.. i forgot how he used to react on tht.. n he reacted.. well tht pleases me too.. tht i forgot.. but mayb i dint.. mayb unconsiously.. somewhere.. i said tht coz i wanted him to react..

he asked "wht happened?"
it took me some time to answer.. i was nt prepared for him to speak.. i was nt prepared to hear his voice after so long.."what?"i asked
"why are u taking medicines..??"
"why are u calling me??" now i answered immediately..i had gathered my guts.
"i dont know" i could see him shrug.. i knew tht movement so well.. tht careless shrug of shoulders..
"y?? did u run out of ppl u could fool?? who u could lie to??" i taunted him. i was nt going to let him think tht i d forgotten any of it..
"mayb" his voice was nt pert.. nor was there tht signature trace of insolence.. he sounded almost.. subdued.. silent.. like he was standing in the shadows..
"wht do u want?" i asked him rudely.. i was nt going to let him know tht i was imagining him..
"i dont expect anything out of u", he answered "i dont expect anything out of anyone.. even u should nt"
yeah right buster.. expect anything out of YOU.. i made tht mistake for 3 precious years of my life.. to b frank.. i dont even know if i v stopped expecting yet.. mayb i v been successful in pushing him out of my mind.. n my life.. but a small part of me.. tht innocent.. loving part.. which i hate now...
" yeah whtever.. i just asked u tht coz u ve called me after more than a year" nono my mind screamed he s called you every occasion.. but i ploughed on.. coz i knew he d comment on this.. n i knew my answer..
"no i have nt called u after more than a year.. yes i ve spoken to u after more than a year.. but i have nt called you after more than a year" there he said just wht i wanted him to say.. it was as if i was crafting the conversation..
"its the same thing to me.." i said nonchalantly.. it was a year and four months since i d heard his voice..
"im sorry if i upset ur mood or anything by talking to u or calling u" he apologised.. irrelevantly.. i wondered y ppl always tell me this.. tht they r sorry if their callng me ruined my mood.. ppl who think tht they r not supposed to call me.. whn i v never laid down any such rule..
"oh you dont affect me tht much" i lied... look.. look.. u taught me how to lie so well.. n i can even think up lies so quick now.. once upon a time i could never lie to u.. n now..
"yea.. but i m still sorry if i upset ur mood.. i was nt going to talk to u at all.. but whn i heard abt the medicines i had to ask..", he said.
i kept quiet.. i dint want to rise to the bait n tell him wht happened to him.. i was not going to give him the privilege of knowing..
"allright. take care.." he continued after a beat..
i hung up.
n my hands were trembling.. bastard.. i dont shiver.. i NEVER shiver.. except whn i m extremely cold.. n i hated being so hands did feel cold. i looked at the cell.. paused for a second..
n i called shrirang.. i dont know y him.. but..i told him the entire thing..n while i was talking
his msg came..

" can i have ritu's cell no. at least reply if u dont want to give "

one more bait...

i dint do either.. i d let ritu decide if she wanted to talk to him..
i told shrirang this.. he said tht he was trying to come back into my life..i dint talk a lot.. i hung up ..i called aryan.. told him the whole thing.. n headed out to tell mom thn..

am glad i did the right thing.. but i kept wondering after tht.. if i should have extended the conversation.. i i should have asked for the answers i looking for.. i v been waiting so long for.. n i asked myself if they matter anymore.. no
they dont matter all tht much.. but a part of me will b put to rest whn i have a dead part of my soul will rest in peace..
n i dont want to force the answers out.. i dont want to force him in front of me.. i dont want him to be dragged n plopped in front of me..

either he turns up in front of me.. or i turn up in front of him.. unbidden..unexpected.. sudden.. thts whn all the truth will come out..n i dont know if i want tht time to come or not...

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