Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Swinging into the sea..

In my dreams I found that place. That one place I have always wanted to go to. And it felt so real.

I know exactly how far away it is, the exact way to it, the exact bend of the road, the foliage at the sides of the road, the decrepit building which stands at the left of one of those curves, the bank of sand at the end.The low trees as soon as you enter the sand chute which hide the the place from your view and then emerging out on the soft shore of the river. No big waves, just small lapping curves, gently licking the feet and a swing set at that very edge. So that when you sit on the swing and take a push, you are soaring over gentle laps of water. Deep blue near the bottom and a shimmering blue at the far end.

I feel like taking pictures, maybe I did take some, because the picture of that dream still shines in my mind. With muted gold tones.

I remember thinking, "Oh my god, this is the place I have always dreamed about. I should show this to you" I don't know why you came into my mind then. It felt like of all people I know you would appreciate it the most. Appreciate all of this.

The place is still in my mind, the picture is still fresh, but because it's a dream, I don't know how long it will stay fresh. I feel like sketching it before it disappears, but I don't think I'll do justice to it. It's only my mind that is doing justice to it right now, and these words come a far second to it.

I am sure everyone dreams of things that are so real-ly imaginary. Care to describe them and make me feel like I am not the only one?

Sunday, March 23, 2008

There are people..

There are people who are not different. They are the difference.

People who don't just solve a problem, they let you reach the solution.

People who get hurt when you are hurt, and when they want to be there for you.

People who sit with you on a bus stop and talk about the most random things about your past, that you never thought you would share. At least not with someone who you know from just a few weeks.

People for whom you don't have to care about how long you know them from, but all you care if how long they will be yours.

People who's departure, as distant as it is, disturbs you enough to consider a departure too.

People who mean your microcosm to you. A world of your own, and no one else outside understands it.

People who you feel so close to, that you are shocked when you see that others are that close, or closer to them.

People who you don't necessarily talk hours to on the phone, every day. But when you do? that once in a while becomes minutes without your knowing it.

People who sometimes have the power and ability to finish your sentences, mouth your thoughts and crave the same things as you.

People who encourage you so silently that their confidence in you shows.

People who don't think about what they are missing out on, as long as you are happy..

People who you know will not go into super sentimental mode, just because the occasion is so.

People who you know will react rationally, but so super funnily that you will actually be on the floor laughing.

People who have a quiet strength around them, that gives you warmth too.

People who hug you so tight, you forget your entire day in that moment, and who peck you so sweetly, it feels like it's their birthright.

People who you want to be in your life forever, as a part of this parallel family.

People who teach you the art of parallel thinking, a parallel thought for every statement issued.

People who have the art of keeping an absolute poker face, while dishing out the fatalest of jokes and concealing the deepest of secrets.

People who are always game to try something new, no matter what, as long as it is not illegal.

People who you know will wrap you in their embrace when you are too out of your mind to string coherent words together.

People who don't need to be told what exactly is your choice, your taste and your selection. They know it because it fits them perfect.

People who just come to mean so much, there are no words to express how lucky you think you are to have them in your life.

Dhum, you are all this to me. And more. Happy Birthday!! I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been a part of my life. I love you.

Friday, March 21, 2008

A butterfly bond

He was not the person she expected him to be.

No, he didn't deceive her. But, he was just not who she had brought to life in her mind. Who she had put all her faith in, all her trust in. He was not him. He was different.

"But how am I different?"

She didn't know. Different. Maybe a good different for some other girl, but not the different she would have loved.

Maybe she was not what he had thought she would be too. She didn't know. She asked him, she never kept such things in her mind, hidden, but he didn't give her a direct yes or no. And they had always had a direct yes or no relationship. But he tried. She knew he tried his best to create what both had had in mind before they had met. But because he was not who she thought he would be, she did not think it possible.

He still said he would do anything for her, but she did not believe him anymore. He was not him. She did not trust him in the same way too. She just couldn't tell him what was in her mind. She wanted him to at least know that something was on her mind, she would pave the rest of the path, but he seemed ignorant to that. He admitted that she could still read him in the same way, but she didn't really believe it. She wanted to, desperately, but she didn't.

She had wanted more. But she couldn't put a finger on what was that more. It wasn't more love, more affection. more warmth, more trust. It was just more of him. She felt like he was not putting all of himself out there, like he had done before. But he couldn't do that.

She wanted an attachment which was solid, where they looked out for one another no matter what, without actually hovering on top all the time. Just by knowing it. She wanted to have guy talks with him, go girly shopping with him and just go between the night for a walk together, grab some coffee. They ended up liking the same coffee, but not wanting to go for walks together.She missed the bond they had formed. She had come to think of it as everything. As her support system, her sounding wall and her cheer-up valley. She didn't know if he had weaved the same kind of web around him, but she knew even she was not all this for him anymore. She believed she was once. It wasn't love, or any such grave thing, but it was a deep deep trust. Which was supposed to have solidified when they met, not dissolved into something weaker. Something more humane.

She din't want humane, she didn't think he did. Not the he that she knew. But that was all that was left. A light, teasy, butterfly kind of a bond.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Predicting emotions 50 days from now

May 7th - 10.50 am - Sitting in my room in Champaign, with boxes and clothes and chocolates and gifts.

May 8th - 10.50 am - Sitting in the Subway in NY with Veeru, talking excitedly about May 9th, and 10th and more.

May 9th - 10.50 am - Etihad flight EY 100 JFK to Abu Dhabi - Abu Dhabi to BOM. Thinking about everything I am leaving behind for a month and a half, and everything I am coming home to for a month and half.

May 10th - 10.50 pm - Mumbai, home. Sitting on my sofa, soaking up the heat, wondering why there are so many people around, Desperately wanting, wishing, missing my brother there. Wanting Dhanno and Jay with me at all times. Missing Veeru's presence that completes our Sholay. Wishing Mr. Pilot had picked me up at the airport with everyone else. Wanting Dhum to be here too. And Pinks and Pals and Petrovski. Wishing Pri had been there a couple of months later.

And back to..

March 20th - 2.00 am - Champaign, sitting on my sofa, feeling pleased to have completed the India Tickets Booking procedure, extrapolating my emotions (above) and starting the countdown to India. A month and 20 days to go.

Will you meet me when I'm there?

Sunday, March 16, 2008

One more...

Yes, one more deleted post..

Give me some time.. I don't know why, but the doubt hanging over this post did not subside after I posted it for sometime.

I will probably resolve it and re-post it soon, because I just banished that post to my drafts folder again. Sigh.

Monday, March 10, 2008

I am not a feminist because..

Because I do not believe in a weighing scale between the two anyway.

Because I have a lot of masculine behaviorisms which would pit me against feminine stereotypes.

Because I believe in the goodliness of both. Those who don't? Meet my brother, Mr. Pilot, Jay, Dhum, Pinks, Jats. And meet my Mom, Dhanno, Pri, Radha, Doc and Chocolate. This is the world.

Because I do not see a difference between men and women as two categories.. I see differences between each and every person. And I see that there is nothing called a personist.

Because I stereotype unconsciously and hate myself for it. For men or women.

Because I believe marriage is between two individuals, who are of the same standing. Neither wears the pants nor cooks for the house. Both do both and both should be able to manage both without the other too. And the two individuals can be of the same sex too.

Because existing is about defying stereotypes.

Because people I love being pampered, and I love pampering too.

Because I appreciate people who show chivalry, but hate those who overdo it.

Because I hate being undermined just because I am a woman, and love being respected for un-womanly things.

Because I typically hate sissy kinda behavior, whether it is a guy doing it or a girl.

Because I love appreciating beauty, and woman ARE beautiful.

Because I love broad shouldered, clean shaved guys.

Because I am confused about where I stand at the pedestal of which sex is better, both are essentially just humane but with different behavior systems according to me.

Because I hate being termed, put in a mould, or joining a bandwagon.

Because I have been asked before where I stand on this debate, and my answer has been "I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet because I don't believe in equality or inequality between two of the same kinds. "

Because I do not believe in the existence of this term at all.

There is this cloud wafting over the blogosphere right now about feminism, sexists and such. I did not intend to post anything on this. But this has been a discussion I have evaded from a long time. Here are my views finally, and that too because I realized the vacuum in the existence of it.
For some more views on it, diverse and otherwise, read this and this. She writes real good stuff on topics such as these.
For a different angle all together on this issue, read this.
For some typically blood boiling kind of a read, see this. Actually, I should not be giving him anymore publicity but I need people to see how disgustingly speechless you can be rendered.

Saturday, March 08, 2008


What's in a name? I have discussed going anonymous before. I had then intended to change the address of this blog. No wait, I was not going to lose my readers, I had an elaborate process in mind. I would have put up a post asking all my readers to kindly de-lurk, just once, and send me an email, and I would reply with my new blog address. I knew a lot of my readers might not be comfortable with this, apart from the ones I don't want reading my blog [yea, there are some like that out there, but NO you are not one of them ;) ]. But well, since I knew everyone would not appreciate my sudden flight for anonymity and a new address, I dithered, and then let myself be convinced out of it.

I have a lot of friends or maybe I should say I know of a lot of bloggers, who are friends now, who are completely anonymous. No names ever. They have debated about whether they should reveal who they are, while here I am, going the opposite way.

I have some very fundamental reasoning in my life. Everyone is essentially good. But there are those few people in the millions out there, who are mean, bad, bitchy and judgmental. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong being like that, but when you are like that all the time? It doesn't sit too well with me. Because then basically I think you don't have enough brains to know what's better, for your health and well-being.

I don't want those people googling my name and finding me. Because it IS pretty easy. Finding this blog or me. And actually, this blog is me. Pure, unadulterated me.

So, I have removed my name from this blog. It's become just "~The Dream Catcher~. I am trying to remove my footsteps from where ever they are on the net. Directly linked to my name. My name is one of those few things about my that truly make me proud. But those of you who know my name, will always know how special it is to me. Meanwhile, I bid my name, adieu from the internet. At least where I can track it down.

Also, I have been very careful with not letting my picture out on the blog world. Even when Petrovski wanted to post a picture of me and him on his blog, I insisted it be a silhouette for the same reason. But if it is there, with my name, and I am not aware of it, do let me know.

P.S. Those of you, that I don't know of, and have links to me with my name on it, please can you make it "~The Dream Catcher~"?
Also, if anyone has a picture of me, by any chance at all, on your blog, or flickr or anything, please blur it or remove my name or something. Thanks a lot!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

There was a girl

She had a strong voice, but it was pleasant and confident to the ears. Very masculine. Too heavy, but soft. Never sounds like what I think it sounds like.

A large frame, broad shoulders and an interesting, open face. God, I wish I was tiny, I tower over everyone. I wish I had even a little bit of the look on my face. I wish I knew how to Look.

An assertive personality, a strikingly comforting style of dressing in smart clothes which suited her well, but were not exclusive designer material. Frumpy. I look huge in this. I can never wear that small little tank top that I think is so cute. I will always have to chose comfort over style.

She was always ready to try new things, learn more. Intelligent but watned more knowledge. Talented to an average person's level. That is interesting. I would love to be able to be just naturally good at that. Or that. Oh I wish I had some natural flair for something at least.

She spoke less and only when she had something to say. Over the years she realized she did not need to opinionate everytime. My opinions are biased. I need a lot more knowledge and information backing just statements.

She asked a lot of questions since her childhood- relevant and irrelevant- in her clear strong voice. Goodness, where are all these thoughts coming from? Am I sounding like a freak? Shit! Questions again!!

She wasn't the top scorer in her class- but for some reason her classmates always thought she was. Her comments, opinions and ideas always induced everyone to think that. Her confident views, spoken quietly with her assertiveness always impressed. I need to score better marks. My family expects me to be the highest. They think I am so intelligent, I wish I could just tell them that I am not. Really I am not. I am the anomaly in the family. The one dull one. And these people in my class think I am intelligent just because I speak less. I wish they would stop expecting me to be so brainy too.

Everytime after she spoke, one thought ran before and after through her mind.
Maybe I should just shut up. No one wants to hear me speak.
No one wanted to hear that. Why did I even open my mouth.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Sometimes it must be nice to be a guy..

Forgive the stereotyping but...

Muscle doesn't look bad on you.

If it's hot, all you have to do is go bare.

That you have a big stomach is of no concern to you when you have to wear your swimming trunks.

If you get a ticket while driving, no one says, "obviously... male driver"

If you ask where the brakes and accelerator are in a new country and a new car, you are not ridiculed.

You don't have to worry about some piece, any piece, of clothing being transparent.

When you binge eat, you do not entertain and welcome thoughts of throwing up.

You don't call it binge eating.

It's ok if you forget small details and dates.

If someone asks you if you have a child, you can easily get away with, "Not that I know of.."

You don't have to bother about bleeding.

Or not bleeding.

You don't have to worry about what the eff are Manolos and Burnheck, Burnbeck? Burnham? uhhh.

There's more I can add to this list, but considering that this is a family place, I'll keep the mouse in the house ( wink for those who understood that), but if you want to add any, be my guest commentor.