Jaane Tu - Please Don't Torture Yourself...

Its been over two weeks since Jaane Tu.. Ya Jaane Na was released.

The furor over this film, the fact that it was supposed to be "refreshingly nice and cute" and that it had a feel of what I call the Neo Indian Cinema phase made me want to see it really bad. I had been pestering Mr. Pilot to catch it with me since the day it came out. Yesterday, finally we managed to see the film.

And I cannot begin to describe my disappointment. Trust me folks, its a rubbish film. Coming from someone who actually adores films, loves a new feel to movies, and likes masala, action, comedy and every other genre. This film is a messed up venture.

A messed up effort because the story is good, but the execution of the story (not the movie) sucks. The main characters are real, substantial, and amazingly well done, the side ones? were forgotten in the deal. The dialogue delivery is awesome, but the dialogues itself are archaic.
The shots are beautiful but they make you think that a lot was cut out from the film. The twists are stupid and unnecessary. Isn't high time people understood that you do NOT need horses, Maharajas, typical Gujju friend who slips in and out of his accent, ghosts and flashbacks in a movie to make it good? If you wanted to take digs at older films, you should have made the Indian version of Scary Movies.

So there's Aditi and Jay. Both have unbelievably possible nick names - Meow and Rats. Go figure. I think the director and the screen play writer spent so much time carving their characters out that every one else is just an excuse to the movie. Both are the typical college kids, confused about what they actually feel, and looking outside for what they actually have right within them. They share an awesome rapport with their families, with each other families and with their friends.

And then there are a volley of side characters. Jay's mom- Savitri Aunty, thoroughly unbelievable; Aditi's super-cool parents, who suddenly become presumptuous; Aditi's brother, who could star in a sequel about his confusion and loneliness; their friends each defined by one character trait. And Jay's girlfriend, and Aditi's fiancé, also defined by one character trait. Jay's girlfriend lives in an imaginary world, and Aditi's fiancé lives in a macho, maar-dhaad world.

Did I leave someone out? Oh yes, Jay's dead father who lives through his portrait and his long lost Maharaja brothers who ride horses to city clubs and aspire to be jailed wearing leather vests and stetsons. Sigh.

Have I said enough? No? Ok how about the final scene where Jay, who has never done any horse riding, except in his dreams, starts galloping across Asiatic Library, Link Road at Malad and then to the International Airport to stop Aditi from leaving the country. But since she has already completed immigration and is sitting right next to her departure gate, he whizzes past the airport authorities, ducks machine guns trained at him, kabaddis around at least 10 security guards, goes through the baggage x-ray portal, up and down a few stairwells and reaches Aditi and starts screaming Meow, Meow. And then adds his trademark love song to it. And wins her.

The songs have a new age feel to it true, but they really are not exceptional. I love Kahi toh, but that's because I love such sappy songs with beautiful lyrics. I like Kabhi Kabhi Aditi, but I wouldn't listen to it after 3 or 4 months. And Papu can't dance sala seems quite stupid after hearing it twice. But I guess everyone has a different taste in songs, different genres for different peoples.

All in all, please please please don't see this film in a movie theatre. In fact, avoid seeing it even. If you really want, catch a few glimpses of it on youtube, and you will know the best parts of the movie. Else, avoid such mind numbing nonsense.



Sorry everyone, who claimed that this movie is spectacular, runaway hit, refreshingly nice like sunshine, peppy, cute or even fun. Really it isn't When will someone start writing truthful reviews and not mislead the poor aam janta like us man...

Taare Zameen Par - Stars Shine Down..

When I was in Std. II A, there was a guy who sat behind me. Jay Shah. He was tall, lanky, and had shaggy hair that fell all over his face. He lived five buildings away from me and traveled in the same bus. His Mom used to tell me all the time to sit with him more, spend my lunches with him and "influence" him.

He had failed in second grade twice.

His mom used to take my books to complete his classwork. He could never pay attention in class and was always more interested in random, arbit things. The teacher used to go crazy explaining sums and words and sentences to him. He could never recite the poetry. Never paint a picture complete. I thought of him as a friend in the beginning. I would try to explain things to him, finish his pictures, recite poetry to him. I gave up when he failed again. I moved to the next class. III A. He left school. I saw him on my street a few times. We would excitedly talk the first couple of times. Then, it was just a wave. And then we went our way. I heard he was shifted to a "Special School".

Since the first grade, there was another guy in my class. Very bright. Always sat in the first bench. Not a ranker, but intelligent. Slow, but smart. He had some physical handicap. But his mother pushed him. He graduated from school with the rest of us. Apparently, he went to science college, and graduated with a BSc. I do not know here he is, but I see him around in the Social Networking forums. He recently added me on all of those, and on GChat and more.

He looks like he is successful in whatever he is doing.



Taare Zameen Par is about one child a little more than that. A child with a serious learning disability, which no one seems to recognize and which the Indian Schooling system pegs down as mischief, naughtiness and arrogance combined with laziness and a lack of willingness to learn.
It talks about Inu, Ishaan Awasthi, his unchanneled, unbridled intelligence. But the teachers in his school, his father and even his mother to an extent do not see it. When they look at him all they see is a failure and a dumb child.

Aamir Khan, as Ram Nikumbh, his new art teacher sees his potential, and identifies with it, because he too was a dyslexic student, misunderstood by his parents as a kid. Nikumbh turns the boy's life around and shows everyone his potential.

Taare Zameen Par, is a must watch. It's a little slow in the beginning, but picks up lace once Aamir arrives (obviously). The boy, Darshan Zhaveri, I think, has a very few lines in the entire film. Maybe that's why he manages to pull out such a stellar job. Too many dialogues would have ruined his character. The mother, Tisca Chopra, and the elder son, were very believable and acted really well. The father was probably chosen to play this part because of his very fatherly, and ugly looks. Ishaan's friend Rajan was a characted well played too.

All in all, a colorful movie, with beautiful songs, lovely acting and a touching story. And a movie dedicated to Jay Shah, wherever he is. And the second guy's success.

Shrek 3, Pirates and the end of goodness

To the next day..

I AM utilising my vacation to the maximum. J and me saw two movies, first day first two shows, back to back. Shrek 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean, At World's End.

Shrek 3 is good. Not great. Its good fun, but too small a treat. The best part of the movie is the "Power to Women" part of it. Not that I am a feminist but seeing an ogress burn a bra was just too hilarious.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Ahh. Jack Sparrow. Whoa-oa.

"I missed you Sparrow, really"

Can't believe how they can keep coming up with a sequel better than its preceding part. I was forced to see the first Pirates and I dint regret it. I was hooked. But this one. Its awesome. It is comparatively less action-packed. But I dint feel that cheated, because of the visual feast. The plot got a little confusing, but I loved that, because I understood it and explained it to J!! Its splendid this movie. Should NOT NOT NOT be missed. And yes, seeing it in recliner sofa seats of red lounge just added to the entire experience. Awesome!!

"It would never have worked out between us"
"Keep telling yourself that, darling"

All goodness comes to an end, I started this post with a happy heart, and end it with an empty one.

Sometimes, life tells you,

"I haven't kicked you enough yet, come a little closer, I need to put my foot on your butt square."

And all you can do it scoot a little closer and oblige.

Revelation after the Class of '84

Disclaimer: Everyone mentioned in this post, is non-fictional, but their fictitious names hold no resemblance or connection to their real names at all. If you feel that I have referred to you in this post, then please refrain from questioning me about it. I will not be able to answer in the affirmative or negative. If you are sure you are mentioned and want to give in your two bits, then you are most welcome.


After I spent an afternoon venting out my inner fury on paints and glass, and trying to harbor some kind of a working peace, I finally ventured out for a play. A play I had been meaning to catch from quite a long time. Class of '84.

By the time I left my home, I was agitated and piqued. "I'll never understand relationships," I said to myself. From the last few days, I have been trying to understand the relationships I share with my friends. I have been highly confused, resulting in irritable, resulting in rude and resulting in absolute solitary confinement.

And this was the perfect time to see Class of '84...

I searched Google all I could, but I got no pics, so people reading this will just have to visualize my words. A play about 8 friends, one death, one beach house, one mystery person and several interlinked relationships.

We have Raveena Mehra, ex-girlfriend of Jojo, now married to Sanjay Mehra (Rituraj) who is a stifled housewife, who has a lot of reality effused into her character. She is married to a man who is a banker by day, banker by night, and a husband and father, every alternate Sundays and a pompous ass at all times.

Jojo, is the dead one. The gang has come together for his funeral, and have then bunked the night at Ravz' and Sanjay's beach house. And over the course of the play, we realize that he was a hot tempered, loyal, and fierce activist of social causes. He has also died a mysterious death.

Sarah Musa is a page 3 columnist who mixes with the high-flyers and writes columns in several newspapers about sex, scandal and whathaveyou. She comes across as an opportunist with a good enough reason to be so, and a practical woman who oozes sex appeal at all times.

Raghu aka Ragz (my pet name too!!), is a failed film maker, still waiting for his big break. He has some liaisons which are deadly, and is a cynical, angry man. His Mallu ass is wanted by quite the wrong kind of people. He is a baddie on the outside, always pulling people down, but a softie inside.

Bobby (Rajat Kapoor), is a small time actor, wanting to make it big. He has done one serial, "Inspector Raj, Apradhiyo ka Yamraj," which just goes through reruns now. He is coveting that one break too, which would push him into big league.

Cyrus, also called as Charsi in the play, is constantly stoned Parsi smoking pot. He has a so-called inheritance to his name, and has had a thing for sexy Sarah for the last 22 years. But he never told her any. He supposedly owns a restaurant styled shack in Goa which is not really his anymore.

Fuzzy or whatever her real name in the play is ( Paro Chisti actually), is another Parsi female, desperate for a guy in her life, an feng-shui expert, and a breathing and pranayam expert. She is slow with jokes, is apprehensive of saying SEX, and is the constant butt of jokes in her gang. She thinks of the gang as her family.

Now these 8 people have drifted apart over the years, and been sporadically in touch with each other. There are a lot of undercurrents flowing between each relationship, and each character. The friends pull each other's leg, rag a person's failure, but the silent support is still there. Despite the fact that each character, and by that I mean each and every character has a flaw. If i reveal these, then I'll be revealing the plot so I will just shut-up with that much. But inspite of these flaws, all the friends support each other. They don't judge the person on his failures or shortcomings of character. Each character has a secret he or she is holding on to, which contributes to the entire suspense in someway, but by the end of the play, they bond together, come close and while some reveal their secrets, some prefer not telling all. Jojo's friend Nikki, Zafar Karanchiwala (THE HUNK!!), spills a lot of beans, and plants himself where he does not originally belong, in the beach house.

From the past few days, I have been battling with relationship issues. Not the girlfriend-boyfriend kinds, but all kinds of relationships. I have been questioning the behaviour and the character flaws of the people who I associate with. I have been questioning their flaws, and wondering that if they are so flawed why would I take the friendship ahead.

There was someone, lets say S, who dithered from hard-work. Extremely loyal to friends, but when it comes to the team, S turned selfish. Not only are S' priorities unbalanced, but the definition of right and wrong is often sullied by personal preferences. I have had a falling out with S once before too, when S asked me for my opinion, and brutal that I am with words, I spilled out the hard truth, which dint sit too well with the receptive party. Then I had decided to not ever dole out my opinion to S. Even if the consequences S had to to face because of that were worse. When the team was to be given flak for bad work, S escaped, tail between legs (दुम दबाके kinds), which I found disgusting. I discussed this with a common friend, who tried to explain to me, that people had to be accepted with their flaws. And I refused. I said I was under no obligation to remain friends with S, just because of fierce loyalty towards me once before.

I had been dissecting this and agonizing over it.

And then, a friend of mine, N, who became close to me in the most offhanded manner possible, unconsciously cast me in the same mould as his other friends. This is seriously unacceptable to me. When I am close to someone, and when someone is close to me, it is an individual thing. I don't expect to me cast in the same mould as the rest of the people around. This made me rethink my relationship here. I was expecting too much out of someone who did not even think along those lines. But if my close friend can't think along my lines, then who can?

Another, say K, is just has hot-headed as me. But in anger, K says things, which hurt and which might not necessarily be true. I wondered if I should hold on for the sake of the relationship, or let go when it becomes too much for me take.

After constantly snapping at one and all, carrying around a rude disposition and trying to unwind with painting, its the play that helped.

S could be accepted with the faults, I realized, I just needed to draw a line about how much S would matter to me. Not much, I decided, and hence S will remain nothing more than just a friend. S and S' actions need not mean more. Meaning that I wouldn't cut off myself completely but I sure would know where to limit myself.

The next friend, N, too was not totally wrong. I was just focusing too much on the mould. I would just continue being unpredictable, and different, and then we would see how much of the mould fit me. And I did not want to, and did not need to be that consious about N after all.

K, was a difficult matter, because K was among those who you never let go off. Even if the distances increases, the relationship blooms quietly. And I realized, that if I'd just keep my calm for a few days, try to get things back to normal, and tell K, that I value and have faith in our friendship. That no matter what, the only thing which would keep me sane would be knowing that K is hurting. Things would be fine.

Another friend, J, also one of those who you never let go off, was getting back to normal with me. J and me had a falling out. Issues over behaviour and rights. But things were getting back to normal in the past few days. This relationship did not confuse me, but backed me more.

I came home calm and collected. My mind had stopped murdering itself. Things were clearer, and my vision was crystal. I had a lovely time, saw a lovely play, had an awesome dinner with my parents, and came back home late enough to sleep while writing this blog. Peace in my dreams and peace in my life.

BTW-
Rajat Kapoor is absolutely brilliant. He essays his role to perfection, so much so that even his body language is typically that of Mumbai's wannabe star, who dresses dhinchak, talks big, and has nothing in his hand actually. His one liners, "one shot straight on the spot", are hilarious and the spine of the play. Ravz is so casually normal that one would almost believe that she really is a mother of two, and the wife of a banker. Rituraj plays pompous ass, Sarah is a sex kitten and Fuzzy is the scatter-brained little girl, aching for a baby and a man in her life. All have done justice to their roles. Ragz is pretty good, as is Cyrus. Then we come to Zafar, I might be biased about this, because I have always admired the guy, since his Hip Hip Hurray days. Zafar is absolutely slick, charming and young dashing guy, who manages to sweep them all of their feet. All eight characters, share amazing chemistry and a very evident comfort level.

The plot is a little weak. No, actually, the climax is ill-handled. a let-down more like. Not an anti-climax, but not quite a climax too. But the theme and feeling of the play has been well communicated the audience.

It's easy to forgive the small little flaws.. in the play, in life
and in our relationships, if we concentrate on the better part of the road we are travelling on...

The Namesake, and what it stirs up..

**I could have called this a spoiler warning, but really, there is nothing about the movie that can be divulged.**

Books are beautiful. They weave stories, images, characters around the reader. But these images don't always translate into pictures, moving pictures or movies.

The Namesake (ध नेमसेक) is one such story. The characters, the flow, the performance, the direction and the editing are all flawless. So are the locales. But the only flaw in the movie is that it is not meant to be a movie. It is a book. And it is meant to be only a book.



I have not read the original. But the movie has been made so beautifully, that I can imagine how wonderful the book must be. The movie just makes for a wonderful read. Nothing more. And that hurts. Jhumpa Lahiri is a very good writer. Which reflects in the movie. But whoever did the screenplay and adaption, forgot to make the book into a movie.

The story sketches the life of a Bengali family settled in New York. And like a book which sketches the lives of several characters, even this follows the various dramas, loves, loses and lives. Among the many kinds of loves shown in this movie, the love shared between Ashok(Irfan) and Ashima(Tabu) is the most beautiful. It is a quiet kind of love, which I imagine the generation above us has actually gone through. Their yearning for India too is another kind of love. Then is their love for their children, Sonia(Sahira Nair) and Gogol ( Kal Penn). Also, there is Ashok's love for Nikolai Gogol and his book, The Overcoat. And the reason why he named his son so. "We all came from The Overcoat, remember that," he says forebodingly.

We follow the lives of their children and their growing up process. Typical teenagers, grow up to be typical Americanized Indians. Sonia is sidetracked quite a bit, because the story, as the name suggests, is about the namesake of Gogol the author. Gogol distances himself from his parents, believes in living life the American way and keeping distance within the family. But when his father passes away, he realizes his true self. Or True Indian Self. He comes back to home, and everything homely. Spends time with his family. Enter new love. Falls for a Bengali family friend, who has had a dubious past, and marries her. Gogol and Bong Beauty Maushumi. But life is not blissful after marriage as Moushami returns to her dubious and very French past.

And finally Gogol finds freedom in the most unimaginable way. While Ashima, returns to her motherland to restart her singing since that gives her true peace. Sonia is happily married to an American, who does try his best to fit into the great Indian Bengali Family, and is pretty accepted too.

With a cast full of stunning performers like Kal Penn, Tabu and Irfan Khan, being directed by Mira Nair, the movie is bound to be good. But if you are more of a book reader kinds, I think you might leave the theatre with a craving for the book. At best, the movie act like a trailer or an advert for the book, because it will compel you to acquire the book and read it to be able to be sated with the story and the thoughts started by the movie.

I wondered for sometime after the movie was over. I was trying to gather my thoughts to be able to comment on the movie. And while I commented, there was a nagging thought in my mind.

Marriage is not disposable

Gogol accepts Maushami and all her baggage। Like a true Indian Boyfriend, he asks her how many lovers she has had। And like a True Americanized youth, he lets it go when lady love bites his lip and says, "You don't want to know". No problems with this bit. He asked, she shrugged it off and so did he. And then they got married.

Then why is it important to show their marriage breaking up because she is going back to her past. Is marriage that disposable? This thought comes just a few days after I chatted with a few girl-friends and wise people about what compromises a woman. A lot of affairs and boyfriends?

One friend, P, very conservative, shook her head and said, "If a woman has a lot of love affairs, she is characterless"

Another, T, who I consider quite broadminded, because of her carrying-ons, agreed. But when i put the question again in front of her, asking her if she truly believes that a woman who has had a number of boyfriends is characterless. Someone who dates a guy, has a relationship, the relationship reaches a point where it ends, and then she gets over it, and dates someone new.

"Uh.. putting it that way, maybe not," she says.

Another wise one says, "A woman who sells her body for money to fill her stomach is more respectable than one who uses it for pleasure." Thus spake the wise one. I still fail to understand or agree with this one. But there are some people who's philosophies in life can NOT be changed. Today as I blog about this and open this to discussion, I will also put up this debate in front of my oldest friends. And see what they have to say about this.

After they finish hitting me for making the mood heavy.

Salaam-E-Ishq...Deserves no Salaam's

Dialogue pre-Salaam-e-Ishq between Nikhil Advani (Director) and Suresh Nair ( Producer)

Nikhil Advani (NA) - Hmm, after Kal Ho Na Ho, I wil have to prove my mettle as a stand alone director without Karan Johar's Backing..

Suresh Nair(SN)- So how do you plan to do that?? you will need a solid script and a solid casting for that if you want to do it without Johar or Chopra backing..

NA- Hey!! How about we take six scripts instead of one, and instead of just a lead hero and heroine, we take a dozen. Dozen ka bhaav sasta padta hai na??...

SN- Hmm, its an idea.. If we take six different kinds of scripts then we can even take six or seven differnt songs. And looking at so much will occupy enough braincells of the Audience hence the technical nitty gritties like directing and editing will not matter to them.

NA- We'll try to rope in a couple of actors who have crossed their hey days, and if we can we'll even put in a pardeshi mem.. we'll put in one middle aged couple, one married struggling couple, one to be married couple and one in love couple. The sixth one can be the just married today kind of a couple. Hmm, I think we also put in a mix of locales. One location will be London or paris, one will be Mumbai ofcourse, then we have Delhi, Udaipur/Rajasthaan, and ofcourse a U.P type setting for the rural crowd.

SN- And we'll put in one Item number type of song, one or two marriage and sangeet wala song, one romantic number, one sad number, one will be proper dhinchak bollywood number and one can be a soft making love number. Oh for the oldies we'll even throw in a old song but remixed ofcourse.

NA- That sounds perfect for me. But I think we can take liberty with the film's duration when we have such an amazingly solid starcast, script, locale and even songs. Let's make the movie some four hours long?? Afterall, boring movies like Mohobbatein and Border too were that long and people were entertained.

SN- What about the characters Nikhil Bhai??

NA- See, we'll take one hot and happening pair, say Priyanka and maybe Salman?? Another pair should be very romantic..

SN- John Abraham and Bipasha Basu??

NA- No no, romantic and unlikely. How about John and a very gharelu homely kind of actress..

SN-(Doubtfully) VIdya Balan??

NA- Bingo!! OK, then we should have one middle aged couple. Lets take Juhi Chawla, Yash Chopra sir will be happy. And with her we can take Anil Kapoor. They can be this comfortable predictable NRI couple.

SN- Let's give a break to an actor past his hey days too Nikhil Bhai. Lets try and fit in Govinda in any role if you can..

NA- Suresh you are right. We can have the role of a coolie or maybe a taxi driver?? that sounds like a good idea.. and make him tht. With the typical accent and all. Hmm, we now have the working class puller. If we put in a U.P type couple, crude, vulgur noises et al. How about Isha Koppikar for that?? She was crude enough in Kya Kool Hai Hum right??

SN- Yes boss.. And we'll put in Ayesha Takia, she'll bring in all those FYJC & SYJC students in hoardes.

NA- And we'll put her hero as the most eligible bachelor in Mumbai.. or maybe Delhi.. Hmmm.. and he'll be absolutely vella, with mounds and mounds of money to throw around...

SN- that forms all our couples.. uh.. sir.. umm.. what about the.. you know.. the dates??

NA- Oh they'll give it. We'll float a rumour that Karan Johar is gonna ghost direct the movie... Now thinking logically we'll need good music.. lets use Shankar Ehsaan Loy

SN- Oh that should account for some brilliant music then. Even if the settings of the songs are cliched, the music will bring the visuals alive.
*Pauses*
But sir what if the audience dont sit thru the four hours...

NA- hmm.. I think, that they ll keep waiting for the movie to reach some milestone till the end of the four hours.. so even if they think about leaving, they'll keep hoping that something will turn the tide and make the movie good...

SN- Sir will we make the couples, all of them, meet sometimes or somewhere atleast once??

NA- Hmm.. we'll see.. if all turns well.. maybe Karan can get Kajol or ShahRukh to do a cameo.. hmm maybe Karan can himself do a maeo in the film.. I;ll tell him that that would be my homage to him.. hmm.. free cameo..

And hence an absolutely well publicised, well advertised, well rhymed movie got ruined. The editor, the cinematographer, the actors have all done their two bit in ruining the film. In all, from the entire 3 hours and 45 minutes of the film, only ten minutes were worth remembering.. Those were the times when Vidya Balan was grappling with her memories and Govinda was grappling with his vocab. The only time I really laughed was when in the end Shannon Esra, the pardesi mem goes up to her rejected in-laws and spurts hindi expletives. Priyanka just looks good, goes on random ego trips and screams. Salman has a new wig (??) or hair transplant. Sorry, that was the only thing noticeable about him. Sohail Khan and Isha Koppikar were downright vulgar. Although Vidya Balan and John Abraham has scenes showing more physical proximity, it was done aesthetically. The absolutely lovely Ayesha Takia had no scope for performing, and Akhshaye Khanna blew his top on the role. The new face, Anjana, shows a lot of skin but also a lot of promise. Juhi was just satisfactory. Nothing spectacular.

Despite the fact that it was a special premier show, people were audibly pissed, bored and absolutely disgusted with the movie. Meeting the stars too did not compensate enough for the absolute torture this film is.

The only ones who tried to not be bad were Vidya Balan and Govinda.
Imagine if I'm saying that Govinda is good in the film.. what happened to the rest!!!!

Lesson Learnt: Never ever try to copy American hit films thinking that the Hindi counterpart will be even better. Even a mix of Love, Actually's stories and Crash's technique cannot CANNOT turn out good..

Word of Advice: PLEASE please dont see this movie. Even if you are paid to see it dont. Even if anything.. Dont.