Tuesday, February 28, 2006

natalie and me

i m reading a book right now.. "Woman in the Window", its about a very normal woman.. struggling with day to day life.. living it, and then she makes a good sell, which makes her popular and after that, she witnesses a weird incident from her window, a man throwing a gun into a construction site, which changes her life.

this woman, natalie, had a smooth life, happy even, and all of a sudden after the incident, small things start happening in her life.. unconnected (yet) but still scary enough to creat a furour. If you see her life from one angle, its fine, its normal, but if u see it from another, everything is going topsy turvy, everything is becoming weird and weirder. The book does nt have a flow to it yet, it does nt have a direction to it and i m already half way thru. its the kind of a book which i would detest since it does nt "go" anywhere. but i find myself liking the book. liking natalie.

coz i identify with it.

small weird things are happening in my life, seemingly unconnected, but they create some different emotion in my head. like her.. at times i just feeling like laughing out loud at everything in my life, at every small thing which seems so huge to me, and every huge thing which seems so small, and some small things which i percieve as small only, and some huge things which i percieve as huge.

everything seems a mish mash, one minute, i am down in the dumps, i feel like tearing someone apart, someone apart from me. i think i m thru tearing myself. thn whn i keep my emotions aside, i keep my thoughts and brains and mind aside, i let loose everything n have fun.

yesterday i discovered that i am a girl at the heart of it all, coz my way to let loose, my way to fuck life was to go shop. i shopped n shopped n shopped till i dropped. actually. and while i was doing it, i forgot everthing else. someone described me in a mad frenzy when i was shopping, n i thought is it?? coz this is very normal for me..

i shopped for the first time without my mom, n i shopped for the first time in earnest, for me n someone else.. i forgot everything, n thts whts important for me. for a second tht time, i thoguht i could see my life clearly in front of me.. what was my future.. wht, with whom, where, when and then tht vision disappeared. like that, just like that. like it was just soemthing meant to entice me and torment me. and tht is wht it did.

then, another seemingly small but entirely too huge a thing happened. someone checked my emotions for me. i was "tested" on how much i cared (or thts the way i think), i wonder if it could be heard in my voice..

hmm.. wonder when i ll be accused for whts really wrong inside me instead of wht i m proud of, wht is right inside me.. or mayb i ve got all the logistics wrong..

Saturday, February 25, 2006

riding on the wind..

yesterday.. my riding lesson was just too good.. i learned how to change gears.. how to take a smooth turn.. n i could take a u-turn but only with assistance.. i kick-started the bike for the first time.. well thts another thing tht i could nt do it again..
i drove for almost an hour.. thn i had theory lessons.. lol.. we sat on the bike.. face to face.. as if we were sitting on the floor and discussed how the gears shaft works.. y the engine kept knocking.. how the front brakes are for the front wheel n how we could topple over if i applied thm..

shrirang says tht i ll truly learn how to ride the bike the day i tell him saamne se tht i wanna ride the bike now.. he said it might hurt his ego whn i d ask for it frm him.. but it d make him proud too.. n tht he d let me.. he believed tht i dont have the confidence.. else i m fine at riding it.. well thts not anything new to me.. its my lack of confidence which has held me back frm the car too right.. well.. he said he would see to it tht i d drive the car n ride the bike before i left for USA.. hmm i m glad.. but i am skeptical too..

i came home.. all excited to talk abt my evening.. but i realized tht i could nt tell mom or dad about it.. they are a little scared abt it.. not that they v asked me not to learn to ride.. but they expressed concern.. n some fright.. it would do better to not talk abt it to thm.. they get tht uncomfortable face everytime i start to describe my lessons.. like they r squirmish or something.. like i m learning to cook non veg food..

a few days before tht i drove on the vashi bridge.. for almost 3 kms.. tht was mostly assisted riding.. with me just leading the way.. but thts wht paved the path for yesterday..
all these memories.. i'm filing away.. into my mind.. to retrieve whn i can..so that it ll stay with me forever..

Saturday, February 18, 2006

9 crores!!!!! @#$@$

I am worth $2,123,978 on HumanForSale.com

You are worth exactly $2,123,978. You can see a breakdown of how much money each category adds to your value along the left under "My statistics". An email with your results has been sent to your e-mail address.

wow i dont believe this.. i took this survey which showed me this.. tht i m worth $2 million, 1 hundred 23thousand, 9 hundred and 78 dollars... roughly calculated it tranfers to

Rs. 9,55,79,010 ... Nine crores, 55 lakhs, 79 thousand and 10 bucks... not badddd

not bad at all... this site.. www.humanforsale.com sure is an ego booster...

lets see..
just made my weekend better..

Friday, February 17, 2006


an interesting thing was pointed out to me yesterday... i v (again) lost my control over my anger.. there was a time in between whn i had total control over my anger, my emotions and my feelings. i was hurting.. n tht had made me stone.. i was indeed hurting deep.

someone has said tht when u r hurting.. the process of healing has already begun..

if someone would have said this to me thn.. i would not have believed it.. i had locked myself.. into another world.. a coccoon.. where i refused to let anything in.. not even feelings.. i remember.. ritu and anu used to ask me to just cry once tht time.. priyanka used to wonder y i never ever got angry over anything.. i never showed any emotion for anything.. she used to think i was a very very calm person..

surprisingly.. whn i remember that time.. all i remeber was how much i used to get angry.. how my emotions raged.. n how much i used to cry.. but it was all in my head.. all in my head..

i v come out of tht stage of my life.. n i m glad abt it..i;m sure there r a lot of other ppl who r glad abt it too.. even if it still hurts terribly sometimes..
but i wish i had carried forth my ability to curb my anger..

yesterday i totally lost it.. crossed my limits n slapped shrirang in public.. agreed he had done a few things which were unforgiveable.. but my lapse of control made me forgive those same things.. coz he made those mistakes coz he s immature.. n i slapped him n came down to his level.. something which i cant get over.. i had trouble sleeping last night.. i kept imagining the scene whn i had slapped him.. in public.. with his frnds n mine around.. i was wrong.. n i so hate it.. yes its a lesson learnt.. yes i know i will never repeat this.. but i cant put it behind me.. i cant get over the fact tht i have no right to insult anyones existence...

its not only him.. i'v not been able to stop myself around dad too.. i say things i should nt.. even if i m right.. i taunt.. i rebuke...i should nt..

a few days back i got angry on something tht happened with mom.. i was nt angry on her.. thnkfully.. i dint say anything to her.. she wanted her happiness.. her mental comfort.. for which i could nt have wht i wanted.. coz of my mistakes.. so i just walked outta the room n removed my anger on myself.. but i got angry,.. thts the main thing right now..

so wht i have to do now.. is start controlling my anger.. anyhow.. anyway..

Saturday, February 11, 2006

a slice of happiness

yesterday nightwas one of the best nights i my life.. its one of those few times whn something i have planned frm so long n so delicately.. has also gone as well.. n better thn wht i v expected.. i d been planning n plotting to surprise priyanka on her anniversary night frm so long..since i had known tht amar would nt b in town n she would be alone for the first time.. i was almost scared tht things would nt go as well as i had planned.... i had told shrirang that she would cry the mnute she gets the flowers n cakes n baloons n choclates.. well plans got altered whn i had to do it frm amars side.. he called the night before n asked me to give flowers n cake frm him.. tht was the least he could do frm tht far..lol.. poor guy sounded so desolate..

so the flowers n cake turned up frm his side.. n added the chocolate for good measure.. since priyanka had been telling me in the morning tht if amar would b in town he d have given her a 5star.. so i tossed in two of thm.. n sent thm up with her stupid watchman who blew up the surprise n told her tht we were down.. so she came running down n saw us..well she cried.. n i patted her head.. n let her cry on my shoulder n thn told her tht tht was frm amar but now me n shrirang r taking u for dinner.. she was soo happy.. she insisted on her taking us out.. but we vetoed her out.. walked downto the restaurant n went to picasso...a cool place..

over our initial drinks we gave her the photo frame i d made for her.. she was expecting it to b a glass painting but not wht i had done.. i d made a colorful frame with amar n priyanka 's pic in the center.. it did look damn good.. whn she unwrapped the gift.. it seemed like her heart stopped.. just tht one moment made my eyes water.. i started crying too.. we were both a sea of water by the time she saw the entire thing.. n i ws so happy... we kept hugging each other n kissing each other.. thts whn i realized tht shes pretty important to me.. even if i dont let my guard down enough in front of her.. i know she cares a lot for me..

shrirang n she got along amazingly well.. i always knew tht they both liked each other.. but yesterday for the first time i saw shrirang taking care of us.. hostng the dinner like a gentleman.. it was good to see it.. we giggled n laughed.. commented n pulled leg.. we spent an amazing evening.. i soiled my good white tee.. n priyanka put so much paneer in my plate tht i could nt eat my main course at all.. just barely two spoons..the bill came humongous.. i had been warned to not argue abt paying it at all.. so i just shutup n shrirang payed it..

we had a lot of fun.. the ride back was chilly.. my teeth were chattering..but a fun ride.. a fun night.. n a fun time all together..

i tried to do everything for her which i would have liked done for me.. which i would have wanted someone sometime to do for me.. which i would have wanted my frnd to do for me.. evr..

i m glad i have people like shrirang n priyanka in my life.. they give me that bout of happiness which i feel i v left far behind...