Friday, July 28, 2017

Things I want my daughter to know

I wrote this song years and years and years ago when going through heartbreak. I was confident my first born would be a girl. And I was confident that I wanted her to know what I was going through then, to know that her mom went through the same things that she will one day go through. Genuinely, through the sound of my heart breaking, all I had thought of then was I want my daughter to know that when this happens, it's ok. It's going to be ok. That feeling was so strong then, that years later now, I still remember the exact moment this song formed in my head for her. For E.

Things I want my daughter to know

That this world, it's a beautiful place..
It's crooked and twisted and dark,
but it's got smiles too.

It's got people who use people,
but people who just love too.

That you won't always smile and laugh
but when you cry, you'll be stronger for it

When you'll hurt, it'll hurt bad,
you'll feel that hole in your gut
and your mind will be filled with it - 
it'll hurt so bad, it will shut.

But you'll get over that too
and you'll smile, because baby, 
you'll have a beautiful smile.

There'll be times, when you won't know
you won't understand how things happen
the way they do, but, in the end,
the very end, you'll realize 
everything always works out good.

Every person who enters your life and leaves,
they'll spoil a few songs for you, my love.
But it's ok.. because somewhere along the way
it'll heal, and you'll appreciate it all again.

You'll have memories, 
which while making won't seem worth it.
But years down the line,
you'll thank your stars it happened.

You'll miss the people gone
You'll love every new person
You'll trust all over again, always
You'll recover when it backfires

You'll give up too at some point,
but love, at that point, I hope,
you'll have that person in your life
Who just won't let you, no matter what.

No one will ever love you
the way you will love yourself.
No one will ever understand you
the way, someday, you will understand yourself.

You'll be stubborn, you'll hurt your own self
You'll wake up, and then love yourself
And one day, you will know
That your happiness, is in your hands alone.

But daughter, I am sure
You will make your place in the world
You will make your life
And a family 
and then you will teach them too
Things that you'd want them to know

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Never Bloom Again

We sat next to each other, working on our laptops. My Grey'a Anatomy playlist just finished playing a soft, slow song. My mind was not on the song at all. The majority of my brain was occupied by thoughts about your closeness and the feel of your foot on mine. The rest was struggling very hard to finish the task at hand.

"Play that song again?" you asked me softly.

You are a heavy metal, people screaming into their songs kind of person. Your request surpirsed me into paying attention to the soft swing of the song the second time it played.

Lightning struck, now it's silent and dark
Like to try to light a candle
But for that, I'd need a spark....

Our luck changed, don't know what
Don't know when,
But it changed, and now it's hard
Not to dwell on memories

.. I know we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again
I'm sure we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again.

It made me uncomfortable. This song. It was clearly a prophesy of where this relationship was heading. I wasn't ready to confront that yet. And you were making me. You softly sung along on the second verse.

Now its cold on my side of the bed
Though you're near, you're far away
Partly here, partly gone

Our luck changed,I dont know why
Dont know when, I wonder where we would end up
If we could start again

I know we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again
I'm sure we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again.

I know we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again
I'm sure we'll grow, but we'll never bloom again.

I blinked hard, trying to make that little tear that was stinging my eye disappear. I knew I could do that, I had mastered that art in these last few days.

"It's beautiful," you said softly.

I nodded, gulped and looked hard into my screen. I was starting to fall in love with this hopeless song. Much like I was in love with this hopeless relationship.

I come from a land where you are born to belief. Where people pray on default. People have gods in their homes, on their person, in fashion and everywhere. I could from a place where God is everything.

And I have always been lost. I have always been in search.