phobias of the mind..

So you know what's the problem?

I am not committed enough to writing and posting here. I write, actually, I start writing. I voice out some random thoughts. Most of them pretty heavy. I don't piece them. I just pour them. Then when I feel like I'm half way through, I re-read it.. I wonder why the hell should I be posting this. Writing it should help me enough. Posting it means expecting something more. Why expect more? Especially where this is no real commitment. No expectations from the other side. It's not like people who read this blog expect to know all this.

So there is an expectation problem and a commitment problem. With this blog. And in life. Not only mine, every human being's life. Too bad, I say.

I am not a feminist because..

Because I do not believe in a weighing scale between the two anyway.

Because I have a lot of masculine behaviorisms which would pit me against feminine stereotypes.

Because I believe in the goodliness of both. Those who don't? Meet my brother, Mr. Pilot, Jay, Dhum, Pinks, Jats. And meet my Mom, Dhanno, Pri, Radha, Doc and Chocolate. This is the world.

Because I do not see a difference between men and women as two categories.. I see differences between each and every person. And I see that there is nothing called a personist.

Because I stereotype unconsciously and hate myself for it. For men or women.

Because I believe marriage is between two individuals, who are of the same standing. Neither wears the pants nor cooks for the house. Both do both and both should be able to manage both without the other too. And the two individuals can be of the same sex too.

Because existing is about defying stereotypes.

Because people I love being pampered, and I love pampering too.

Because I appreciate people who show chivalry, but hate those who overdo it.

Because I hate being undermined just because I am a woman, and love being respected for un-womanly things.

Because I typically hate sissy kinda behavior, whether it is a guy doing it or a girl.

Because I love appreciating beauty, and woman ARE beautiful.

Because I love broad shouldered, clean shaved guys.

Because I am confused about where I stand at the pedestal of which sex is better, both are essentially just humane but with different behavior systems according to me.

Because I hate being termed, put in a mould, or joining a bandwagon.

Because I have been asked before where I stand on this debate, and my answer has been "I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet because I don't believe in equality or inequality between two of the same kinds. "

Because I do not believe in the existence of this term at all.

There is this cloud wafting over the blogosphere right now about feminism, sexists and such. I did not intend to post anything on this. But this has been a discussion I have evaded from a long time. Here are my views finally, and that too because I realized the vacuum in the existence of it.
For some more views on it, diverse and otherwise, read this and this. She writes real good stuff on topics such as these.
For a different angle all together on this issue, read this.
For some typically blood boiling kind of a read, see this. Actually, I should not be giving him anymore publicity but I need people to see how disgustingly speechless you can be rendered.

Do you smile? Really?

"It's been more than a fortnight and you haven't blogged!"

"Kya kar rahi hai ab? Nothing? Peaacee.. go blog.."

"Have you written something? no? Have you written something?"

Three of my most faithful readers I guess. I haven't written in the last few days.. infact, I haven't even visited this page. I don't know why.

A couple of months ago, RM asked me a weird question, her motive for asking it was just to put me down, but anyway, here it is, "Why are you so insecure?" Now if you know me, you should know that this is a big deal for me. One, being asked such a question, and two, putting it up here. Opening myself to the million critiques and judgment that are going to pass through the mind of all you people out there, and no, don't deny it, you are going to judge me on this one question, someone who is anti-me has asked me.

Ahaa.. so if RM thinks she is insecure, she probably is. No wonder, she hates RM... etc, etc.

Hold your horses, RM said that because my status message on gtalk was "Meine dil se kaha.. dhoondh lana khushi..", and she had just been explained the meaning of this song.

My status messages on Gtalk are normally what my mood dictates. So I was kinda glum that day. One day my status can say things like "Oranges should not be eaten alone" and another day it can be "Happy happy happy, HAPPY days are here again", and sometimes just a plain, "Discombobulated". This in no way means I am depressed, or that I am insecure. It means, that I am a normal person (according to my standards) ( and I like my standards, thank you very much) and I have normal moods and ups and downs. And because I have downs, I know how good ups can be.

I am not one of those people who will always smile, even when they are grimacing inside, they are not even smiling really because a real smile can be just inside, and has to be inside too. I will grimace, frown at you and not just do it inside. I am not those bubbly, quirky, chirpy people who light up the place like sunshine wherever they are. I prefer my sarcastic barbs more anyday. I will not leave people with them thinking, "Wow, she is so sweet and caring", probably, you will be left wondering what the hell happened after I am done with. Ask Pik. He still remembers my first few lines to him, which were absolutely instinctive but not sweet and sugary from any angle.

I do NOT go about flashing my moods to everyone. But I do know for a fact, that there are a number of people on my gtalk list who roll their mouse over my name just to see what the status message says. To make sense of it, and smile. I know some, and I know that I do that too, for other people I know who keep insightful status messages. Which make me go hmmmm..

So I am asking this of you now. I throw the question out to debate, is it weird, insecure, depressing behaviour to acknowledge your bad mood and not suppress it? To be able to say, "Hey, I am in an effed up mood today, watch out."I would think that the eternally and artificially smiling kinds would be the insecure ones.. too insecure to be able to express themselves.

And for what it's worth, I refuse to ever have just a lame smiley as my status message, along with being unoriginal it is absolutely fake. You do not smile all the time really, why fake it.

Numbing the Numbers- a meme

So here is a Numbers Meme that Ideasmith tagged on to me really long back. Like, five months ago. But I just wasn't doing it because I thought no one would be interested in knowing more about me through a Meme, really. I mean, just because I think Meme's are fun, doesn't mean the person who reads this will think so too. But, apparently I was wrong. Dhum has been behind me to put up the one and only Meme I have ever been tagged for, and so, since I do have someone interested enough to read my Meme here it is..

LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU’VE NEVER SAID BEFORE:

1) Wow, I am soo thin/ wow, I have a super figure.
2) I want to fit in with the crowd..
3) Can you take me to so-n-so place
4) Oooh, I love parties!!!

LIST ANY NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU’VE FELT THIS WEEK:

1) Seene mein jalan, aankhon mein toofan sa kyu hai
2) Under my Umbrella
3) Bhagam Bhaag
4) (Waiting for) A better tomorrow
5) I'm not a girl, not yet a woman..

IMAGINE YOU’RE HAVING THE IDEAL PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING?

1) Being home, sitting with mom and reading a book
2) Sitting at bandstand fort, or at the far corner of Silver Beach with Mr. Pilot
3) On the bike, on a long stretch of road, at 140 kmph
4) Listening to music without thinking a thing

MAKE UP FIVE CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:

1) Just Because
2) The way to go
3) The Backbenchers
4) Sunset rock
5) Blue and Green

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HAVING TO HEAR THEM. WHAT THREE SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE?

1) All metallic, heavy songs with meaningless lyrics
2) I would love to erase the existence of Limp Bizcit or whatever he/she is
3) Dil le gayi kudi Gujarat di

I am hoping I haven't jinxed my chances of getting more Meme's because of the late deliverance on this one.. :) And to pass this along, I tag Puneet and Anirudha, because I don't know of any other blogger who reads these dreams.. and who can take this Meme ahead..

And I will blog...

My mom has been insisting on reading my blog. Which is good news. But for the fact that I wanted her to read it once I left. And of course, she insists on reading it right now. So we havebeen methodically going over each post from the very beginning..

And I realized, that in the beginning I spoke of my opinions, my emotions, my thoughts so freely. No reigns.. I spotted an issue, discussed it with someone, or directly on my blog, and expressed all my opinions. That's what I guess blogging is about. Somehow, from quite a few months, every post I write, I either delete, save as a draft or save it to my desktop. Because either I think that it's fruitless to write about these emotions, or that it's getting too public. Maybe this changed happened because of the fact that I met my fellow bloggers, a few who were my readers.

I became vulnerable with that meet. I guess its a very human process. I wondered during the meet what would happen, then I wondered if I fit in. I realized that I normally dont fit in anywhere.. I'm not the fitting kinds!! But I made a few.. friends.. I guess.

One such blogger, Idea, told me one day that she'd like to read the drafts.. the one's that I havent published on the blog, and I was delighted. But then like many things said and forgotten.. it was too.

But reading all my old blogs today.. I remembered what I felt at each moment, and whether it was pain, joy, sorrow, the good, the bad, the ugly.. It felt beautiful now. To me. And so I will blog about it. I will write.

And If I ever think that the blog has become to public, I'll just shift the sands again and take up another blog somewhere else!! I'll keep you posted..

And it rained...

It rained yesterday. Altering Abhishek told me he'd send the rains over to me from Powai, and man, did they travel quick!! :)

I had once blogged about rain and what it does to me. But yesterday, getting drenched in the first rains, as is my ritual, I realized that rains do a lot more to me, than just mean something, and its something more everytime.

Getting drenched in the first rain leaves my mind refreshingly blank. Suddenly all the sorrows I have been carrying with me, are just erased. For that much time, while I am strolling in my terrace, ankle deep in water, surrounded by the lush greens my mom lovingly tends to, my being just tends to forget everything which plagued it till then.

I look down my building, at the foot of which my street begins, the street lights have fizzed out, and there's not a soul on the wet dark lane. It takes me back to the deck of the ship I stood on in the Arabian sea. The entire neighborhood and its lights cease to exist, and the winds and the rains are the same that existed then, through those 10 days aboard the cruise.

I look up at the sky, trying to catch the raindrops directly on my face. I can see the mingled colors of the sky. It doesn't look like it is 10 in the night. It looks like early evening. The cloud splattered sky flashes with streaks of pure white. The open-ness looks as if its ready to become a permanent roof to my terrace. The roofs of the other buildings beside mine look like they have been washed with orange glow. All the white tiles have a slight tinge of melony orange to it. Beautiful.

The cold goes deep to the core of me. I can feel the goosebumps going up my back, it feels good, it feels true. Like nothing truer than this can exist.

A good 45 minute bath in the first rain. I used to hop about and dance once. Thats when one of my most valuable friendships has been forged, with J. But now, I just stroll and splash the water with my feet gently. Who would have believed that I have mellowed down.

The goodness lasts with me.

To the next day. I AM utilising my vacation to the maximum. J and me saw two movies, first day first two shows, back to back. Shrek 3 and Pirates of the Carribean, At World's End.

Followed in the next post..

Shrek 3, Pirates and the end of goodness

To the next day..

I AM utilising my vacation to the maximum. J and me saw two movies, first day first two shows, back to back. Shrek 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean, At World's End.

Shrek 3 is good. Not great. Its good fun, but too small a treat. The best part of the movie is the "Power to Women" part of it. Not that I am a feminist but seeing an ogress burn a bra was just too hilarious.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Ahh. Jack Sparrow. Whoa-oa.

"I missed you Sparrow, really"

Can't believe how they can keep coming up with a sequel better than its preceding part. I was forced to see the first Pirates and I dint regret it. I was hooked. But this one. Its awesome. It is comparatively less action-packed. But I dint feel that cheated, because of the visual feast. The plot got a little confusing, but I loved that, because I understood it and explained it to J!! Its splendid this movie. Should NOT NOT NOT be missed. And yes, seeing it in recliner sofa seats of red lounge just added to the entire experience. Awesome!!

"It would never have worked out between us"
"Keep telling yourself that, darling"

All goodness comes to an end, I started this post with a happy heart, and end it with an empty one.

Sometimes, life tells you,

"I haven't kicked you enough yet, come a little closer, I need to put my foot on your butt square."

And all you can do it scoot a little closer and oblige.

Entering the world..

My entry into the world begins here.

Here on I leave the world of comfort..
Here on I leave the world of convenience

Here on I leave the world of ready to eat
Here on I leave the world of companionship

Here on I leave my safe little tight cocoon

Here on I enter the world of compromise
Here on I enter the world

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Virginia rejects, I bounce back to University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign.

"Its really one of the best Universities you know. Berkeley ke takkar ka.."

"Once you do six months in UIUC, Virginia will go on their knees to admit you.."

Consolations all of them.

But these consolations woke me up to the fact, that you don't always get what you want. Correction: Pragni, you don't always get what you want.

Just because I have never had a reject in my life where academics are concerned doesn't mean I cant get a reject at the most important turn of life. A reject which can turn life at full strength into a U-turn.

A reject which will change my career plans, and my tightly, cosily stitched life plan. A reject which will turn me into a Capitalist from an Idealist, a dreamer.

It took me time to adjust into this role, to slip into this skin.. For the first few days I stayed in my den, trying out the new part, nursing my hurt ego? or my hurt roar maybe.. Now I have made an effortless transition. Nothing hurting about.. nothing to figure out ( I finished all that already right?)..nothing to talk about. My wise brother had, very wisely, advised my mother to let me be for a few days, to let me figure out what I wanted to do. It worked. As all his advise always works.

So I'm out to fully utilize my two months here. Am seeing as many movies, trying to go to Red Lounge as much as I can, trying to eat stall wala food as much as I can, dosawala, paanipuri wala. Go out with friends here as much as I can. Go anywhere at all. Suddenly, I am ready to accompany everyone everywhere. I have nothing better to do, I plead.

Dance classes, Gym, Dentist's appointments, Skin Specialist, Eye Specialist, all lined up.

Along with four movies a week(wow), five new restaurants a week( double wow), now you see why I need the gym. Maybe I'll go for the blogger's party scheduled for June. Lets see...

Busy two months now. Vacant two months too. Quite Empty really.

Dreaming through a spyglass...

As of today, my Photoblog is on and active. Finally.

Drop in, anyone interested in seeing random pictures taken by me at random times and places.

http://spyglassdreamz.blogspot.com/

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the one person who helped me with this blog. And my mother, and my father, and my brother, and my friends. And the crew and cast of the....

And so are my recent comments hack. With due help from AnonEcon, who has been helping me a lot... Thankoo AE..

A Blogger's Dilemma- An Individual's Solution

Yesterday I wrote three posts, at three different times, about three different things, and I deleted all of them. As soon as I wrote them. Because the posts were too raw. I don't mean raw as in undone.. but raw as in naked emotion.. raw as in too much of what I was feeling.

In the night, finally, I wondered, why I deleted all those posts. I started this blog to be able to say what I wanted to. Is it wrong if its too much of emotion?? Its not like I was weeping over anything, or that I was cribbing or whining in any of the posts. I was just home all day, because of another bout of sickness, and was again thinking a lot. In terms of the world around me and my thoughts to it.

I spoke to the person who pushed me to start this blog, and he too thought that I was defeating the entire purpose of this blog.

A few posts ago, I wrote about being rejected from SCAD. I had actually written a different post then what is not up, but I was advised by a friend that I needed to mask my emotions a little. I thought so too. And so I wrote a different post and deleted the earlier one.

Now I am thinking if I should do this. I blog because I want to write. Because I love writing and I want to be a professional writer someday. When and If I am good enough. I don't want to commercialize this blog. Don't get me wrong, like all bloggers, I love my readers, and my commenters. I love the comments I get, and the different perspectives, or arguments, or encouragements or criticisms even that I get. But I don't want to stop writing the way I normally do because someone might not like it. That would be cheating myself right?

If I am not liked because of my individual style of writing then how am I being me, and how will my readers like it.

I even debated over this post. Should I post this, or not??? Will those who read my blog be disgusted with my thought process? But I decided that I take my call here. I either make my blog an original place, or I customize it to what might be expected of me. Either I let you guys know what has been going on in my mind, or I don't, and then never do that again.

I wonder when and why this started.. It's quite possible that this started after my first Blog meet. I met a lot of people from the blog world but I dint know a lot of them, and as expected fewer knew me. But these people, famous bloggers, wrote about intelligent issues. They wrote about politics and witty posts about Indian Media and stuff like that. And that made me think that maybe I wrote about silly things. So I dint stop writing about what I normally do write about, I just began to tone it down. I seriously don't know what is liked more, but it doesn't feel me. Not to me at least. And if there is one thing I have never done and will never do, it is losing my own Identity.

Desi Dabba Ahoy!!

Starting yesterday, I am posting on Desi Dabba too. My posts there will mostly be cross posted here, like my first post was too (the previous post: Mumbai's very own National Theatre Festival) but I would urge anyone and everyone interested in news, views and opinions regarding the Indian Entertainment Industry to drop in there.

Desi Dabba is a colourful and intelligent mix of bloggers (ahem!!) and posts. Do check it out!!

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On a more serious note, does anyone at all know how I can add bloggerhacks to my blog. Till now I had been fighting the tag Baby Blogger heaped on me from the bloggers meet, but it seems like yesterday I resigned myself to it.

Although I did succeed in putting up a cluster map yesterday, I have been highly unsuccessful at putting up hacks. I keep linking to... (shudder!!)uhmm.. not very favourable sites.

My department would be shocked to hear me say this, but I am beginning to realize that I am technologically very very challenged, so if anyone, at all, has the time and patience to teach me about a few basic things about add-ons to my blog, then please do drop me a note.

Thankoo in advance!!

Mumbai Metblogs and me..

I lost my soul somewhere on Blogstreet..

When I began blogging for Mumbai MetBlogs, I was this enthusiastic baby. I would blog about all things which made sense, I would rejoicce when I got a comment or a feedback or a message. I would appreciate those mails that I recieved from readers. I was a happy kid.

Everytime something happened in any part of Mumbai, which i was witness too. I would nod my head emphatically and think, "I have the power of Blogging. I will post this on Metblogs." And maybe I even thought that it would make a difference in people's life..

I never wanted to be a Journalist, but I fancied myself as something akin to that. Almost there. In my admission interview at my Journalism Department, I very proudly said that I was an author at Metblogs. I was sure the people interviewing me dint know about it. So I even informed them about it!! I might not have been a regular blogger on metblogs. But I was a proud one. Then the Mumbai Blasts happened. All the bloggers on Metblogs were in full swing. Everyone churned out atleast 3 posts each. But surprisingly I dint. A fellow blogger frantically tried to contact me to find out if I was unharmed. When I wondered why such a frantic search to track me down, I was told, "you generally blog about anything as soon as it happens on Metblogs. This time you haven't so.."

Yes I hadn't. After that I posted once about the Blasts. Half-heartedly. And then my blogging there dwindled. After that, even my laptop denied me access into the site. When that was sorted out, I got a new Laptop, and now since the new lappie is in competition with the old one, it refuses me access into the site unless the old one shuts me out(I think).

But here I am, fresh after my last post on Metblogs, wondering why I dont post there so frequently anymore. Is it that I have matured, and the feedback and all dont matter to me anymore (hardly, my mind smirks) or is it because I'm having trouble all over again logging into the site from this laptop. Or is it simply because, I dont connect there anymore??

P.S Have you noticed?? A lot of my posts end in questions these days.. I wonder if its another of those things which mean that I am seriously muddled in the head right now. If the typhoon's coming, let it come I say!! ;-)

The Fried Souls of bloggers

When we entered the classroom, Melody Teacher greeted us. She then took our attendance, introduced us to all and placed us in our seats. After a while Melody Teacher thought that friends should not sit together. So she separated all 'supposed' friends and replaced the naughty ones under her nose. Melody teacher also made some girls, including me, and one boy stand outside the class for sometime. But Melody Teacher made that into an experience too, because she taught us how to stand still while moments were captured while we all naughty girls stood outside.

When it was time to leave, melody teacher bid us good-bye and also instructed the latecomers to reach on time next time like the good kids.

That's from the student. Now from the Blogger..

The blog meet happened. We (Puneet and me) entered the venue with Melody greeting us with, "Hi Bloggers??" and we left with her saying, "Let the kids go!!"

The two hosts, Sakshi and Melody introduced everyone around, pulled multiple legs, laughed and were generally great. The attendance sheet is with Melody, with all the links and the names but rattling off my top of the mind recall there was Melody, Sakshi, Vulturo, Bombay Addict, Vinu, My Pajamas, Peeyush, Amit and Shiju.
These are the bloggers. I had no conversation actually with last five.

My Pyjama had a first day blogger with him, while Shiju too had two more bloggers. Sorry dont have their names or links!! UPDATE: My Pyjama's friend and me spsoke about a common..uh.. friend.. but it is later that it dawned on me, that it was her mischief that had introduced me to the common friend.

Plizz to notice that I have not mentioned the two gems I was suppoed to look out for. One did not come as it turns out. And the other, turns up but when I was about to leave. I was pretty eager to meet IdeaSmith, so much so, that I even asked Sakshi when I sat next to her if she was IdeaSmith!! Sorry!!

IdeaSmith did come and I did meet her, but unfortunately it was just that. A brief encounter. Thankfully we did take a lot of pictures. Selma you were missed a lot!!

A lot of people asked me if I knew Selma!! And I kept wishing I did!! Personally that is. I am glad she convinced me about this meet.

Conclusion:

This meet was not to become bosom, chuddi-buddies with each other, but more to step out of the virtual world we live in, and see each other in reality. I am really glad I met a lot of people there. I realized that there really are more people who read my blog apart from the ones who comment.

Surprises:
I was surprised to see Amit, the shahrukh of blogosphere as Sakshi called him, but well I did just that, see him because he seemed to be busy with the people around him.I was more surprised to see Vulturo..

I was surprised when Bombay Addict discussed a recent post of mine. He was very nice, and it was fun talking to him. Though again it was a brief talk. He gave me insightful tippanis on how very few people blog about riots and such. Surprised again!!

I was surprised when someone told me randomly... "hmm I've heard ur name somewhere" Yeah?? Wow!!

I was surprised to hear the name of a blog, Twisted Indifference. No surprised is not right, I was impressed. Somehow the name sounds..just perfect to me. Makes a lot of sense. But I dont think I told him that.

Sadly, I missed a lot of interesting people because I had to leave. And from the other posts here, here and here, it sure looks like the party had just begun when I left it...

PS. : Selma, you were right, about everything you told me to expect from the meet..the good and the bad!!

More posts here, here and here.

Blogger's meet.. my first..

There are very few things that one can't predict. This is not to say that these predictions come true, but you now, when there is an up and coming event, incident or occasion, one can exactly predict how it will turn out. Even when you know your mom is going to scold you when you talk to her, you know what she is going to say. When you are going to meet your friends for dinner, you know how they will pull your leg, how you will have awesome amounts of fun and how you are going to have a good time after all. Even something as important as my going abroad to study can be seen pretty lucidly by me. But if there is one thing that has stumped me, its the fast-approaching Open Blogger's Meet.
Yes there is a bloggers meet coming up. And I have never attended one, but will be attending this one. In the past, due to some reason or the other, I have not attended any such meets. Those reasons also include my just not wanting to step out of chasm which identifies me by my blogs. For this meet, I was pretty much in doubt. To go or to not go. I put up a tentative thought of attending on IdeaSmith's post, which was picked up in Gauravonomics as an assumed 'attending'. IdeaSmith warmly asked me to come. But I was still deciding. A chat with Selma, finally convinced me. Orkut Zindabad!!

She had a point, I'll get to meet smoe interesting people before I leave, and she also asked me to watch out for a couple of people coz they were the gems. I already knew of one, the other I will explore. To tell the trust, I have absolutely no clue about how to take this meet. Blogging and the world of blogging or blogosphere as we call it are important enough for me to wonder and worry about this meet. I have tried initiating quite a couple of people into blogging. But I think that was more coz I wanted to share my love for blogging.

When one falls in love, they often wonder what was their existence like before they were in love. Its that way with blogging. I often wonder what my existence was like before it. Where did i write down those little things that I'd love to share. Where did my opinions go?? I hardly ever sincerely wrote a diary, coz I never needed to write down things I felt. I was happy enough having them firmly placed in my mind. But what about my opinions and those small incidents of life??
Maybe blogging happened just when I matured enough to start having opinions and intelligent thoughts. Quite possible.

Along with blogging, the bloggers have also become very important in my life. When I first started out it was in MSN Spaces. Just to write down my Shayaris. Then when I started writing down articles, it got a little personal. Reading those posts there, someone asked me to start writing for Mumbai Metblogs. I joined Metblogs, and for that I made this blog, not too personal kinds but still my personal space. On Mumbai Metblogs, I came across Selma and Sakshi Juneja, my co-authors. While I got hooked to Selma's blog, I visited Sakshi's periodically. Then I started visiting the blogs of my commentators on metblogs. The silsila started then. From one blog to another, I formed my favorites, chanced upon some USA blogs which awed me and some Indian bloggers who awed me even more.

And now this bloggers meet will bring me face-to-face with the very same bloggers. While some of my favorite bloggers wont be there (Selma, Ani), the meet still promises to have some of my favorites (IdeaSmith, Sakshi). I'm not sure about the other bloggers who are coming yet. Also another person I am pulling along with me will be an aspiring blogger, so I am glad to have that company with me.

I wish I could predict how this meet will go. Will I enjoy, dislike, unwind or be tensed in the meet. I''m sure people will tlel me now that I'm sure to enjoy, but considering the fact that I am not the partying kinds of people... Also I'll have to leave pretty early, 9 or so.. maybe I wont get to meet them properly at all, or worst maybe I wont meet them at all coz people might arrive after the decided time.

I will be taking pictures (If everyone doesn't mind that is) and I will surely post about the meet. But I can't even predict that... I sound idiotic don't I??

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On another note, my professor called today to tell me that thebig.tv, a video site, has featured my first film, Mumbai-Fire and Blood on it's site. The site requires a password to get in, so I cant see it :( but I sure am thrilled. Although I grew to dislike that film because of its glitches, I was pleasantly surprised to know that someone thought it good enough to feature on the site, a more happier thing was that my Professor appreciated the film and left back a comment too!! Maybe my application will be more powerful with that film on it..

Its Birthday time!!

Some noticed.. some dint..

Along with it being the new day of the new year, it happens to be this blogs First Birthday!!

(Drums roll, and confetti floats all around)

Since it is, I decided to gift my blog something. Its pretty noticeable and pretty obvious and maybe garish. Funny, for someone who does not think that birthdays require huge fanfare, my blog's birthday has seen me grinning like a fool the entire day. I have assiduously hunted up a stat counter, which many people had been asking me to put up and had promised to help me with, tried and understood how it works, and have inserted it in. I even put the little break between I Power blogger and the counter myself, with the help of my limited knowledge of HTML.

Technically, this is not the birthday of my blogging habits but of this blog, because this blog, as few know, has been transported from my earlier MS spaces blog. And since I have no definite idea about when I started blogging then, and since this blog has, for some reason unknown to me, taken on an absolutely different meaning for me, it's my celebrated blog. I would like to thank the people who got me start this blog and they know who I'm talking about. And I would like to thank my friends, family, fellow bloggers... oh enough of that.. :)

If I would have seen this post on someone unknown's blog, I would have smirked at the immaturity, but for once, I just cant help or stop myself. It feels wonderful to do something new to my blog. And yes, I will change the background soon with the help of a knowledgeable blogfriend.

Oh and I dint post this in my earlier post today because I was still hunting for the perfect gift!! You know how difficult that can be!!

A solidified beginning..

It was a peaceful goodbye to the year gone. Spent at home with most of my family sleeping around me, and then watching the sky burst with colors from my terrace. I welcomed the New Year first at Metblogs. And then I did the thing I am most comfortable doing. I spoke to the few people who matter most to me and then drifted off to sleep reading my current obsession in my choice of books, Scruples Two.

Perfectly normal, and perfectly peaceful.

But when I woke up today morning, something has solidified in me. I couldn't put a figure on it, until I was at the breakfast table with my entire family. And it suddenly dawned on me. All the confusion so rampant in me from the past month cleared. It was not a thing to dawn on the first day of a new year. But..

Suddenly I realized that I would go to USA and study. I would come back within 3 years at the max, but I would go.
I will live that life. I will go, far from those I dont want to leave behind me. I will go, see the other kind of life. I will go, and struggle, because I know its more difficult there than here. I will go, and I will hunt for a new life there. I will go, and I will adjust to the change. I will go, and I will still try and remain who I am, a non-conformist.

I will go.

One blogger to another.. a missed chance..

The convocation was today. We (Pri and me) reached around half an hour later but of course, it had still not started. We were handed our gowns and caps. I helloed everyone and Pri air kissed and hugged everyone. While she hobnobbed with her friends, hers not mine, I stood in a distance, looking out at only a few people who I thought were worth calling friends.

After seating my parents in the Audi, I came out to the foyer again to notice a classmate walk in. Now this classmate, lets call her Sm, requires special mention. When I joined BMM, as I have mention before I used to stay as aloof as possible. I had noticed another girl who had the same attitude. She was really pretty, had the perfect figure and this twang to her speech and this o-hell look on her face. I turned up late for a lecture one day, and so did she. We had some 80 minutes to spend outside the class in the corridor. After sitting at a distance for sometime, she noticed the book I was reading, and asked me which one it was. She told me that she too loved Ayn Rand. I said

Who doesn't? Unless brainless...

She smiled and started telling me about herself. She said she wanted to live alone, in the same city but as an independent woman. She had ideas which seemed between radical and western. She spoke as if she was really confident of herself, but there was a slight hitch in her voice, like looking for acceptance. The lecture ended sooner and we went back to class. Both apart in our aloof, indifferent worlds. Both forgot about the other's existence.

We dint ever talk again. She slowly gained a group, four guys, and another girl. She was then steady with one of those guys and they all hardly attended college but were always very very chummy. Like soul friends. Another guy in that group, hated me for some reason and we had a showdown in the last semester. So all interaction after that first semester's missed lecture was either extinct or indirect.

Around the fifth semester, the class realized that I wrote a blog on msn spaces. Lots of them read it, it was the class grouch writing about her personal life which they were interested in. The blog was spotted by an interfering aunty from our class and she spread the word. I blocked the blog to the public and gave access to a very few people. Now that blog has become like my personal online diary, but anyway. By the beginning of this year, 2006, I was into blogging, totally into it. I used to read a lot of blogs and like a very few. I dint leave comments coz I dint think my comments mattered. (I know it is blasphemous to even think of that now. Comments are sacred to all bloggers)

One day I came upon a blog which was written by someone called "Color-changing Chameleon". The writer was writing for her friends to read. Her style of writing was very personal and her posts were about her life more and the rest was about her immediate life. It didn't take me long to figure out that the blog was Sm's. I read through the blog. It was a refreshingly well written blog. Without any self consciousness. I visited the blog often. After a lot of visits, I saved the address in my favorites.

I still haven't added her blog on my blog list.

When Sm walken in today and smiled a hi at me, it was with a thoroughly disinterested look. The way I was looking at everyone else too. The convocation started. At the end of the function, there was a movie made by our batch which had everyones pictures and some video clippings. Sm and me both were not present through out the film. Not a single picture, mention or video clipping in a 30 minute long film. My mom dad were flabbergasted. They never really thought I meant it when I said that I have nothing to do with college. Sm dint look like she minded terribly too.

After the ceremony got over, I kept wondering if I should go up to her and tell her I read her blog. I thought that she had a right to know it. I would have wanted to know if she or anyone else read my blog. I explained my situation to mom and she said I dint need to go, but I could if I wanted to. Pri thought that I should not be seen 10 inches near "That kind of a girl", and the battle raged within me.

I headed towards her twice and turned away. I noticed the new Thai haircut she had blogged about. I wanted to congratulate her on not granting favours for the dream job that she wanted. I wanted to congratulate her on the new job that she got and sounded so excited about in her blog. I wanted to tell her that well, guys do forget important things sometimes but hers was truly intelligent. I wanted to tell her that I too had a crushingly huge attachment to my school, but somehow felt nothing for my junior college as well BMM. I wanted to blurt out all my suppressed comments. I wanted to tell her that I know I'm not a friend. I never even wanted to be one. But her Blog makes me feel like I know some bits about her. Some bits which were important enough to write about.

I wanted to talk to her, one blogger to another. Surprisingly, I know no one in the real life who has a virtual life of a blogger. Everyday in the train, I look at a stylishly dressed woman, and try to look for signs which would point to the fact that she blogs. I would try to observe if she observes people a lot, if she thinks a lot, if she smiles those small half smiles to herself. And here I had another blogger in front of me, and I had no idea if I should approach her or not.

I left my college without talking to her. I went to her blog after I came home, and I dint leave a comment. Someday I will tell her, Sm, I read your blog, and I read it coz I think you write real well. Not the novel kind of writings, but the natural, inherent kinds, where it feels like the author is actually just talking to you, not writing something down.