Yesterday I wrote three posts, at three different times, about three different things, and I deleted all of them. As soon as I wrote them. Because the posts were too raw. I don't mean raw as in undone.. but raw as in naked emotion.. raw as in too much of what I was feeling.
In the night, finally, I wondered, why I deleted all those posts. I started this blog to be able to say what I wanted to. Is it wrong if its too much of emotion?? Its not like I was weeping over anything, or that I was cribbing or whining in any of the posts. I was just home all day, because of another bout of sickness, and was again thinking a lot. In terms of the world around me and my thoughts to it.
I spoke to the person who pushed me to start this blog, and he too thought that I was defeating the entire purpose of this blog.
A few posts ago, I wrote about being rejected from SCAD. I had actually written a different post then what is not up, but I was advised by a friend that I needed to mask my emotions a little. I thought so too. And so I wrote a different post and deleted the earlier one.
Now I am thinking if I should do this. I blog because I want to write. Because I love writing and I want to be a professional writer someday. When and If I am good enough. I don't want to commercialize this blog. Don't get me wrong, like all bloggers, I love my readers, and my commenters. I love the comments I get, and the different perspectives, or arguments, or encouragements or criticisms even that I get. But I don't want to stop writing the way I normally do because someone might not like it. That would be cheating myself right?
If I am not liked because of my individual style of writing then how am I being me, and how will my readers like it.
I even debated over this post. Should I post this, or not??? Will those who read my blog be disgusted with my thought process? But I decided that I take my call here. I either make my blog an original place, or I customize it to what might be expected of me. Either I let you guys know what has been going on in my mind, or I don't, and then never do that again.
I wonder when and why this started.. It's quite possible that this started after my first Blog meet. I met a lot of people from the blog world but I dint know a lot of them, and as expected fewer knew me. But these people, famous bloggers, wrote about intelligent issues. They wrote about politics and witty posts about Indian Media and stuff like that. And that made me think that maybe I wrote about silly things. So I dint stop writing about what I normally do write about, I just began to tone it down. I seriously don't know what is liked more, but it doesn't feel me. Not to me at least. And if there is one thing I have never done and will never do, it is losing my own Identity.