Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I just realized that I haven't done many things 'new yearsy'. Din't think of anything special that I would do this year, did not do anything spectacularly special meant only for the new year and did not wish a whole lot of people too.

It's almost like the onslaught of the new year sped by me, and I realized 13 days later. When I was writing a report in office dated 13th Januray, 2010. 2010!!! Almost sounds like futuristic generation!

But then I just saw something. This last year was sneakily good for me. Balance. That's what the year was about. I finally managed to bring my weight to a balance. After getting desperate about it, deciding to starve myself, over-feed myself, over-exercise myself and over-diet myself, I finally found that balance that suited my body. That did not make me do any of the above. And helped me lose all my excess fat. (Almost all). I am 15 kgs lighter that this time last year. And I think that has been one of my biggest achievement ever.

The year before last, I met some of the most wonderful people in my life. But it is last year that I understood their significance. What they meant to me. What was their importance and what priorities needed to be set to make myself happy. I found my happiness. I made settlements with my expectations, understood what was not a fairytale and what was reality. And loved my life for it.

But while I have done these, I still havent been able to lay the ghost of a friendship past to rest. ABDC still bothers me. The friendship I shared with him bothers me. I don't know what it is about us, but something does. I understood my issues with Pilot. I know what needs to be done and what will just happen over the course of time. Balance.

I fixed up a job, got my brother married off. Hopefully, happily. I made new connections with a new family. Understood their quirks and whims. What makes them a different family.

I was faced with a situation where I lost my cool the way I never have before. I shivered with anger, and my ears turned red hot. Literally. I screamed my throat out. My mind shut down because of over-heating and squeezed out moisture in the form of unwitting tears. Abuses ran through my brains while my mouth tried to hold them down. There. I have a resolution. Never to be that angry again. When literally I have no control over any of my senses.

I took on amazing amounts of responsibilities, once back in India. Quite successfully, if not gracefully, met up to all of them. And then ended the year, trying to bake, hoping to cook, but not succeeding at either.

I am literally smiling while I write these last few lines now. Be cause I realize what writing this post has done. It's given my new year a direction. >> Avoid anger.>> Fulfil responsibilities with grace>> Bake more, cook more >> Travel more >> Lose 4 kgs more.

Not in that order.

P.S. I realize that this post is quite shabbily written, but it has literally followed my thoughts. And liberated me quite a lot. So, as long as it helps me, its all good right? :)

Thursday, January 07, 2010

New year, new woes

I have had posts bubbling inside me from about a week now. When I stopped writing a year or so back, I couldn’t figure out why. I thought it was the pressure to please the readers, to soothe my ego etc which drove me away. I left it at that.

Then I was leaving everything that had become familiar to me in the last two years, and I found myself opening up the blog again. Once back, I got busy. Wedding planning, wedding attending. Etc.

Once all the hoopla settled down, I took up a job. Actually I quite foolishly took up the first job I was offered. I started traveling by trains again, rushing for time, eating from packed lunches, dealing with people’s temperaments, whims and fancies. I was touching ground again. And this time, I was touching Mumbai soil.

And lo and behold, my urge to write resurfaced. This brings me to the conclusion that I write when I need the outlet. I don’t write when I don’t. I was blissfully happy in the last one year... so I stopped writing. I was too involved in my happiness. I was writing short stories to fulfill my itch, but blogging, Nah. Posts just evaded me. Not that I even tried running after them. Thankfully, I had that good sense. When the feeling to blog stopped, I dint push it. No force, no have-puff-to-puff-do-puff-it.

Now I sit in my ad agency office, senior copywriter by post, but in a government office type desk with chair. Old almost defunct PC to work with (seriously, every key has to be stepped on, hard, to type the letter) and horrible stuck up mouse. Someone higher up who thinks banning gmail and facebook is the right way to go (really, when I work for social media and email marketing!!) and a feeling of being boxed-in in the very fourth day of work. Oh and did I include working 10ish hours daily? No, its not a call centre, it’s an ad agency.

I am writing stuff which I don’t believe in. Which is quite disheartening. I erase this stuff from my life when it enters, and apparently I am filling others lives up with this shit. Sigh.

And yet, I have made a promise to myself that I will stick out the initial 6 months. Or at least 3. I’ve already bought a first class pass for three months. Might as well run it out right?