Thursday, March 30, 2006

Lakme Fashion Week

so.. another big boo-boo on stage. The Lakme India Fashion Week, had been launched with a big fanfare. And the bloopers are up and happening. but i d say tht the mistakes are not commited by the models but instead by the dumb fashion designers.

marc robinson said,"the designs are fine, the fittings are fine. whts gone wrong is the alteration. but tht happens" HAPPENS??

dude how'd u feel if ur tight pants tore right down the centre and displayed ur Kachcha to the world?? yeah i guess these models dont have tht big a problem abt it.. but i m sure they go through some heartburn. Carol Gracias' top/gown came tumbling down when the velcro parted ways and she held it up with her hands and walked on. kudos to Carol. not a change of expression from her. her face maintains the same detached look which all models wear. the same look which was on her face whn she entered. not a flick of an eyebrow and no jaw dropping, mouth covering episode. she coolly, smoothly, picks her top up, holds it in probable place and finishes her strut.
u can see her stoic face even in the pic, cool calm composed.(the pics not updating due to some technical error. will try again later)

meanwhile, Gauhar Khan's skirt ran a tear on the back right on ramp. she came, she walked and it tore. and she turned, twisted and walked off. When asked to comment she said, "its just coz this has happened consecutively from the last two days, is it getting so much media coverage. we r in this profession so we are used to it. its understandable." girl, even if it dint happen consecutively it would have been noticed. and we are nt chiding u anyway. its the designer at fault all the way.

a frnd of mine very aptly said, " in our business (advertising) if we make mistakes we pay with money, in theirs.." i guess the statement can be completed with in their business they pay with honour, if thts not too huge a term.

i can understand abt stage bloopers. they happen true enough. but u know, u cant really just stand by the side and grin foolishly and shrug and remark, "happens dahling". i remember the time whn during one of my dance shows, my students lehenga came trailing down. she bravely kept dancing on.. now she was nt eve a great dancer. but i had drilled into everyones brains, tht no matter wht happens the show must go on. yeah the idiom exists. and is in practice. in my last dance show, the one i was dancing in, my heel broke. i was doing a latin dance with one guy and only the two of us on stage. i stumbled (obviously) and carried on. we came third lost the first place but all the professional dancers who were judging the event applauded our performance the most. one time, my favourite students, bustier came of on stage, while she was doing the star prayer dance, the welcome dance. but she carried on too. the tiny tot was 10 years old. thts called a good coverup if ever.

another noticeble thing in the LFW was kajol. all ppl who know me, and know me well might remember that time of my life whn i was a crazy kajol fan. still like her, mind u, (dont u dare call her fat, black or ugly-u still cant do tht)but really. she walked on the ramp for some designer.. i m not sure who, and was wearing a really silly outfit. my mom said, "wht the hell has she worn and come on the ramp?? does nt she have any say or choice in the clothes given to her??" mm i defended her thn, but now thts a point. she really could have been given something much much better to adorn. and she s even become mindblowingly thin now. not fair.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

putting myself in proper shape

since, my days here are numbered (really, maybe i'm just being super melodramatic), all my check ups have begun. today was my final dental treatment. its taken the doc around 6 sittings to clean up my teeth. he finished it today.

i still remember my first day with him so well. i entered his clinic and like a trusting sheep lay down on his chair. and thn i very innocently asked him, "will it hurt??"
"no, not at all", he replies.

now this doc, he really soft spoken, as in, he speaks so softly u have to strain ur ear to hear him. and he hardly ever seems excited over anything. not even whn my mom was handing him a whopper 5 figure cheque. and hes always smiling so genially, like, he s neevr ever had a tooth problem in his life. so when he tells me so confidently tht it wont hurt, i (equally confidently) believe him.

and then he begins his job. and by god, it hurt. pain is normally hot. it sends searing juts of hot ache in the body. but this pain, when it hurts, it sends ice cold pain up my mouth. cold to the core. shoots cool, freezing pain. its a different kind of pain. something which makes u wince and then frown. like an everlasting frown.

atleast now it wont happen again. he s asked me to take care of my teeth and then thankfully i wont have to go to him again.

the other doc i m visiting is my physiotherapist. she's someone i v known since childhood, we live in the same building. so now i m going to her swanky department, where the only male is her HOD whos a bald fat muslim man. no offense meant for anyone who qualifies in this but well they dont count in my list. so now over there, my poor left knee is subjected to hot parafin wax, vibrations, ultra sound treatments.

soon my leg will be fine, and hopefully my body will be ship shape as they say. if i have learnt one thing thn it is tht dentist and doctors in general are not to be believed when they claim a no hurt no pain clause.

n now i understand all those dentist jokes and taunts. HA!

Monday, March 27, 2006

the next commonwealth games at india

delhi is hosting the next commonwealth games in 2010. hmm.. although i assume most of the sports world is aware of this, it came as quiet a surprise to me. delhi.. hmmm... its pretty, clean, green and spacious. i was particularly impressed with the city whn i was visiting recently. it has wide spacious roads, lots of malls, lots of air, lots of flowers. mmm i guess i m looking at it as an outsider. but i wonder wht abt the facilities??does delhi hav e more sports structures than mumbai?? or rather any other indian country?? or is planning on upgrading all its amenities.

stadiums, pools, ranges, tracks, pits, grounds, lord knows how much more infrastructure will be required. plus since the city will b playing host internationally, i guess they ll undergo a major makeover. a facelift in terms of looks and charms. swishing scrapers, towers, gardens, fountains, the works. i wontbe around till thn.. i ll most probably be recording the reinvention sitting a million miles away, saat samundar paar.

i was already so charmed with the city this time round.. hope i can see it then too.. hmm mayb if some certain frnd of mine decides to get married thn.. aha...

Friday, March 24, 2006

growing up

you know how you keep running away from something in life, but whn u run away, it will, it has to come smashing right into ur face everytime u feel u have escaped.

i journeyed into my past last night. into wht n who has made me wht i am now. a stone. detached. really, i like being detached. i like thinking of myself as detached. i like believing that i can make life move on no matter wht. surprising, coz frm the morning my life seems to be stuck.

my brother is truly wonderful. u r. u can handle me, mom and dad better thn anyone at all on this earth. n sitting tht far away too. its like a precedent set for me. how will i live upto wht standards u have set. i was feeling scared abt it today. whn i will be as far as u r frm everyone, they will expect the same if not more as u behave. thts human nature. n wht if i cant give it. oh i know i wot be able to give it. thn wht.. one more disappointment.

the way u care abt everyone frm there, the way u worry abt things here, the way u keep confirming if all s fine, the way u take cre of all the relatives there. i mean, it is mindblowing. n i cant even take care of the relationships i have over here with my frnds.

wht is love?? this reminds me of the poem i had written whn i had considered myself blissfully in love. i had given such an apt description thn. but love, its like a tight security blanket, where u know thst the blanket will always always protect u. it will always always give u warmth and comfort. its like a hope for the future, and understand of the past and a will for the present. its like being high on a swing, tht tingling feeling in the pit of the stomach. i m writing all this drawing frm the time whn i felt love. trying to remember my thoughts thn, the way i looked at life. felt like i had my perspective in track, i had only never looked hard enough to know. n now i realize tht i had just picked up a more comfortable track, abandoning my original aim.

its surprsing how much i v grown in just three years. i m glad i listened to u bro, and stayed in india for these three years. four years. wht i v learnt here.. i d never have learnt anywhere else.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


i am up at this ungodly hour, coz of somthing very astonishing told to me just a few minutes back. i was asked by a frnd if i miss her, n i as usual replied tht i dont miss anyone. i m guessing tht hurt, but it was the truth. i dont give myself the luxury to miss anyone.i might think of someone, want someone in front of me, or wonder abt someone, but i dont miss anyone.

after tht conversation i had another conv with another frnd, who very emphatically told me tht "har insaan ka pyaar karne ka tarika alag hota hai, everyone loves in their own different way, they have their own style and way of loving those close to them." which gives a lot of leverage to ppl. meaning suppose say i love this person x, but my way of loving someone is by ignoring tht person. n i excuse myself by saying tht thts the way i love. does nt mean i dont love.

no thts not fair. atleast i wont accept tht kind of leverage. coz i know a lot of ppl who complain tht i dont love them enough, or i dont express enough. n i dont want to use this leverage as an excuse. rather i ll say outright i am sorry, i dont love. and it ends there. i dont love u the way u want me to, that does nt mean i love u in some other way. it just means tht i m not capable of loving u the way u want.

coming back to the first frnd in question, who has expressed countless times howmuch i am loved and cherished. i am still a little aloof. i m sure this will garner agreement. but i wonder if i have the answer to the obvious question y.
mayb i dont want to love this frnd the way i m expected to. or the way the frnd loves me. or mayb i believe tht whn i love someone, it goes way way more deep thn tht. n i m not ready for it. i need a reason, a solid trust, reason and love in front of me to be able to feel tht deep. there r very few ppl whom i love tht way. and they are the ones who are not included in my anyone. and everytime i see a reason to step back, i see a reason to not let myself feel anything to deep.

the second frnd has loved me unconditionally for a long long time. has stood by me through so much, which most would back out, while most would deny frndship. this frnd's trust in me never wavered. nor did the love. i love this frnd back, but in a very motherly way. its almost like the frnd reaches out for a mother n i come ahead n fill the gap. no wonder i cant feel anything except tht. i force this frnd to leave bad habits, to understand the wrongs in life, and give space to let the frnd correct the thinking, let thm grow.

and theirs a certain someone, who believes tht i dont give anyone more importance than my fucking ego. hmm interesting thought. i wonder if the word selfish has crossed across this persons mind. so according to this one, i ofcourse as usual, dont care enough, have nt ever done enough or wanted to do enough.

surprising how many ppl i disappoint on a daily basis. if i disappoint these ppl so much thn the obvious conclusion is tht i should atleast be making myself happy. so simple is nt it??

i wonder if i m leaving anyone out in this list of ppl i happen to hurt so much

the ring

the ring
Originally uploaded by pragni.
the ring

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

things to do

i am gonna start studying today
i am gonna see the physiotherapist today
i am gonna do accounts today
i am not gonna see being cyrus tomm if i dont finish the above
i am not gonna go out tonite if i dont finish the above
i am not gonna eat more thn one peice of cake at hardiks today
i am not gonna shop anymore..

oooh.. i just forgot to write abt wht i shopped the other day for.
u wont believe the size of the ring i bought a few days back. its huge and beautiful. priyanka and amar loved it, i loved it. but shrirang thinks its flashy. i dont. its got bluish purple zircons on it, with a line of white diamonds (zircons) and its huge. its made of silver with a rodium polish on it. i ll put the pic up too.

its the best peice of jewellry i have ever bought for myself. and it looks fabulous on my hand. i have been in love with it since the day i saw it. thnkfully priyanka said she dint want it so i bought it. coz she had seen it before me, so i dint want to get it if she was getting it. it would have been unfair. anyway she went aahead and ordered one too. this ring fits so snug on my fingers. and it looks like it belongs there. its not something tht can be worn everyday so i really have to stop myself frm wearing it eevryday.

i cant believe i m gushing abt a piece of jewellry so much.

Sunday, March 19, 2006


i have been having this uncanny and weird feeling. like someones going to die. someone close to me, or someone i know. pretty soon.

i m scared of saying it out loud to anyone, for 2 reasons. one someone might think i m crazy or faking it, or just trying to attract attention, or someone might think i m black tonguing it, as in ... saying such a thing n making it happen (ashubh / panvati etc etc)

everytime i hear of someone dying, and its very often these days, ihave this feeling tht alright.. the clock is ticking.. a few days back a classmates dad expired. today someone from the area died. its not depressing or anything.. just a very heavy thought in my mind.. a constant heavy thought. which makes me too sentimental mayb.

somehow i remember the conversation i had with this frnd a few days back, after i fought with a common frnd. frnd 1 says tht fights bring ppl closer, and i m wondering if thts true. coz as far as i can see.. fights just take u further apart. it can bring u closer only whn u have ultimate faith n belief in tht person. the kind u have for ur parents n brothers and very old frnds.

if ppl who r just getting close to me start fighting with me.. i m just gonna see shades which is gonna give me more reasons to not go too close. whn u fight with me.. it just shows me how much u dont understand me.. n how much i dont understand u.. how thn r they supp to get anyone closer. coz if i see just how far someone is frm me.. it ll just show me how much further i can run..

whn ppl say tht fights r supp to get u close.. these r those fights which r fought for one another. u fight for my happiness n i fight for urs.. yes i v been having both these kind of fights recently. but somehow, i seem to be distancing myself both ways.

wonder where life is going. i saw crash today. i m gonna start studying frm tomm. i ll b going to do accounts tomm morning, and thn i ll make a tme table, arrange my notes and thn start studying tht way..

there i go.. just fought with someonelse too right now. (have i become this snappy coz of tht weird feeling?? dunno)

i dont understnad y ppl wan t to talk to me all the time.. fine once upon a time i used to chat for long hours on the phone.. if i dont anymore.. i dont understand y it is so difficult to accept.
i cant handle ppl getting close.. i cant handle those million senseless questions asked abt how was ur day.. wht did u do.. wht r u doing.. i just suddenly find it amateur. fine.. call me a prick coz i dot understand how it is like to be living alone. but i live alone in my head.. n i like it tht way.. i m fine this way.. u want company thn y try grabbing me out of my console??

there have been very few ppl i have known till now who can understand silences.. very unexpected ppl, n very few.. the one person i respect most in this world, the one person who laughs too loud but musical no doubt, and the one person who s shared hours n hours of silence with me, still does, n thn cries abt cell balance. all so far away frm me.. all of whom, i miss so much. but i know tht talking to thm on the phone is not the solution to missing thm. i want their presence in my life, in my day to day life. i wanna wake up with one, have lunch with one, and dinner with one.

i sound like i m cribbing now. sometimes i wonder if i m psycholocial case. i guess i am.. thnks everyone.. for bearing me.. n still sticking on..

oh by the way crash is the most amazing movie i v seen in a long time.. n amazing totally amazing direction. i now know y it got the oscar over brokeback mountain. its brilliant.
"sometimes whn we move at the speed of life, we are bound to crash into each other."

Sunday, March 12, 2006

brokeback mountain

i saw brokeback mountain today. my companion refused to understand the emotion behind the movie, and needless to say got bored stiff. expected. teaches me to go for such movies with intellectual ppl only. i should have seen it with priyanka. she might not haveliked it, but i think she d have appreciated the movie for itself. i wonder if tht makes sense.

i understood one thing co of the movie. love is a force of nature. its not soething u can fight, nor something u can hide frm. if u love someone u should nt... u cant change it. no matter how hard u try, no matter how many ppl u date, how many u sleep with nor who u marry. its just gonna stick with u. no matter wht.

iguess this is too big a lesson to learn frm a movie. but, its realistic. u deny it, u do wht the world, family, and frnds want u to do.. but ultimately wht u want is going to be there deep somewher.. even if its buried deep within only to resurface once in a planned bloody while.

like jack twist loves brokeback mountain for the special times he had there.. te same way everyone might have tht some little nook in the world. it might b a country, a city, a lake, a hotel, a house or even a lil green room. n thn tht lil green room will stick by with u for the rest of ur life. it might get destroyed but it ll stay on in ur mind, i ur memories forever. but forever will end too.

like jack some might accept wht life hands out and work life, dreams and future around the truth. while like ennis some might deny, fight and not accept wht life has handed thm. ultimately it will be ennis who ll suffer the most, like in the movie. jake dies a tragic but quick death, but it will be ennis who ll die a slow and lonely death.

life sucks.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

anger, frustration and helplessness

i v started.. my right thumbnail is no more.. my anger, my frustration and my helplessness has all been removed on my innocent thumb. next up is the nail of the ring finger of my left hand.. my left hand has immaculate nails.. n it looks like i m out to ruin thm too.. i m controlling y anger.. i m not bursting out on anyone.. but well i guess this is alloed.. even if i ll repent this for a long long time... it ll grow back.. thts wht i keep telling myself..

i m frustrated n angry abt so many things right now.. a certain situation where i know wht i have to do.. but i cant make things happen the way i want.. a certain situation where its been preoved tht my intelligence was all along actually my stupidity.. n i m not as creatie n talented as i thought.. a certain situation where someone had pledged me life long frndship and support has easily backed out for personal gain..a certain situation where dumbfucks are getting wht i should be getting and they are getting it coz of ass licking..and a certain situatio where someone i trust a lot keeps lying abt a very very small thing. well the truth has been admitted to now.. n i m at peace there now.. but i was terribly angry abt it in the morning..

y cant i have the guts to go n do wht i m supposed to do
y cant i understand tht i m really not all tht intelligent or creative as everyone makes me out to be.. i have to learn to understand me myself..
y cant i stop trusting these ppl who call themselves my frnds..
y cant i resume to tht time of my life.. whn i dint need any more frnds.. they will never be wht my other frnds r for me.. they ll never be trustworthy
y cant i accept the fact tht ppl who get the success i work so hard for just by licking someones ass and cleaning their shit are the ones who r truly successful..
y cant i have ppl in my life who wont lie abt such small things as a single missed call to me..

well i guess the answer to it all is tht my life is not meant to be a bed of roses. n everyone has their problems.. but i wonder my problems never seem to change.. they r always the bloody same thing..