Sunday, March 19, 2006

crash

i have been having this uncanny and weird feeling. like someones going to die. someone close to me, or someone i know. pretty soon.

i m scared of saying it out loud to anyone, for 2 reasons. one someone might think i m crazy or faking it, or just trying to attract attention, or someone might think i m black tonguing it, as in ... saying such a thing n making it happen (ashubh / panvati etc etc)

everytime i hear of someone dying, and its very often these days, ihave this feeling tht alright.. the clock is ticking.. a few days back a classmates dad expired. today someone from the area died. its not depressing or anything.. just a very heavy thought in my mind.. a constant heavy thought. which makes me too sentimental mayb.

somehow i remember the conversation i had with this frnd a few days back, after i fought with a common frnd. frnd 1 says tht fights bring ppl closer, and i m wondering if thts true. coz as far as i can see.. fights just take u further apart. it can bring u closer only whn u have ultimate faith n belief in tht person. the kind u have for ur parents n brothers and very old frnds.

if ppl who r just getting close to me start fighting with me.. i m just gonna see shades which is gonna give me more reasons to not go too close. whn u fight with me.. it just shows me how much u dont understand me.. n how much i dont understand u.. how thn r they supp to get anyone closer. coz if i see just how far someone is frm me.. it ll just show me how much further i can run..

whn ppl say tht fights r supp to get u close.. these r those fights which r fought for one another. u fight for my happiness n i fight for urs.. yes i v been having both these kind of fights recently. but somehow, i seem to be distancing myself both ways.

wonder where life is going. i saw crash today. i m gonna start studying frm tomm. i ll b going to do accounts tomm morning, and thn i ll make a tme table, arrange my notes and thn start studying tht way..

there i go.. just fought with someonelse too right now. (have i become this snappy coz of tht weird feeling?? dunno)

i dont understnad y ppl wan t to talk to me all the time.. fine once upon a time i used to chat for long hours on the phone.. if i dont anymore.. i dont understand y it is so difficult to accept.
i cant handle ppl getting close.. i cant handle those million senseless questions asked abt how was ur day.. wht did u do.. wht r u doing.. i just suddenly find it amateur. fine.. call me a prick coz i dot understand how it is like to be living alone. but i live alone in my head.. n i like it tht way.. i m fine this way.. u want company thn y try grabbing me out of my console??

there have been very few ppl i have known till now who can understand silences.. very unexpected ppl, n very few.. the one person i respect most in this world, the one person who laughs too loud but musical no doubt, and the one person who s shared hours n hours of silence with me, still does, n thn cries abt cell balance. all so far away frm me.. all of whom, i miss so much. but i know tht talking to thm on the phone is not the solution to missing thm. i want their presence in my life, in my day to day life. i wanna wake up with one, have lunch with one, and dinner with one.

i sound like i m cribbing now. sometimes i wonder if i m psycholocial case. i guess i am.. thnks everyone.. for bearing me.. n still sticking on..

oh by the way crash is the most amazing movie i v seen in a long time.. n amazing totally amazing direction. i now know y it got the oscar over brokeback mountain. its brilliant.
"sometimes whn we move at the speed of life, we are bound to crash into each other."

3 comments:

J said...

When people ask questions how are u doing today. some ask to start a conversation n some because they care n want to know wats going on.

am_I_fine said...

It's natural to be pyscho Pragni, if u feel that you are one.

I can say that because I am fine.

If you knoe what I mean.

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

am_i_fine - i m trying to find out wht u mean.. n yes i m discovering the being in my thts a psycho every new moment.

j - darling.. its not u..i m just distancing myself frm everyone.. dont take it onto u alone. i know u care. n i know u ll always care (u better!!)