Thursday, March 23, 2006

hurting...

i am up at this ungodly hour, coz of somthing very astonishing told to me just a few minutes back. i was asked by a frnd if i miss her, n i as usual replied tht i dont miss anyone. i m guessing tht hurt, but it was the truth. i dont give myself the luxury to miss anyone.i might think of someone, want someone in front of me, or wonder abt someone, but i dont miss anyone.

after tht conversation i had another conv with another frnd, who very emphatically told me tht "har insaan ka pyaar karne ka tarika alag hota hai, everyone loves in their own different way, they have their own style and way of loving those close to them." which gives a lot of leverage to ppl. meaning suppose say i love this person x, but my way of loving someone is by ignoring tht person. n i excuse myself by saying tht thts the way i love. does nt mean i dont love.

no thts not fair. atleast i wont accept tht kind of leverage. coz i know a lot of ppl who complain tht i dont love them enough, or i dont express enough. n i dont want to use this leverage as an excuse. rather i ll say outright i am sorry, i dont love. and it ends there. i dont love u the way u want me to, that does nt mean i love u in some other way. it just means tht i m not capable of loving u the way u want.

coming back to the first frnd in question, who has expressed countless times howmuch i am loved and cherished. i am still a little aloof. i m sure this will garner agreement. but i wonder if i have the answer to the obvious question y.
mayb i dont want to love this frnd the way i m expected to. or the way the frnd loves me. or mayb i believe tht whn i love someone, it goes way way more deep thn tht. n i m not ready for it. i need a reason, a solid trust, reason and love in front of me to be able to feel tht deep. there r very few ppl whom i love tht way. and they are the ones who are not included in my anyone. and everytime i see a reason to step back, i see a reason to not let myself feel anything to deep.

the second frnd has loved me unconditionally for a long long time. has stood by me through so much, which most would back out, while most would deny frndship. this frnd's trust in me never wavered. nor did the love. i love this frnd back, but in a very motherly way. its almost like the frnd reaches out for a mother n i come ahead n fill the gap. no wonder i cant feel anything except tht. i force this frnd to leave bad habits, to understand the wrongs in life, and give space to let the frnd correct the thinking, let thm grow.

and theirs a certain someone, who believes tht i dont give anyone more importance than my fucking ego. hmm interesting thought. i wonder if the word selfish has crossed across this persons mind. so according to this one, i ofcourse as usual, dont care enough, have nt ever done enough or wanted to do enough.

surprising how many ppl i disappoint on a daily basis. if i disappoint these ppl so much thn the obvious conclusion is tht i should atleast be making myself happy. so simple is nt it??

i wonder if i m leaving anyone out in this list of ppl i happen to hurt so much

1 comment:

J said...

I agree with you. To love someone you need a solid reason, trust and a deep feeling.

It is good sometimes not to do things to other which you will not want others to do to you. It is possible when you try to be co-operative and open, the other person may also be open and understand you better. Think about it.

Hey your to do list sounds good n reminds of my to do's. My to do's never worked. Hope ur do. Best of luck :-).