i m reading a book right now.. "Woman in the Window", its about a very normal woman.. struggling with day to day life.. living it, and then she makes a good sell, which makes her popular and after that, she witnesses a weird incident from her window, a man throwing a gun into a construction site, which changes her life.
this woman, natalie, had a smooth life, happy even, and all of a sudden after the incident, small things start happening in her life.. unconnected (yet) but still scary enough to creat a furour. If you see her life from one angle, its fine, its normal, but if u see it from another, everything is going topsy turvy, everything is becoming weird and weirder. The book does nt have a flow to it yet, it does nt have a direction to it and i m already half way thru. its the kind of a book which i would detest since it does nt "go" anywhere. but i find myself liking the book. liking natalie.
coz i identify with it.
small weird things are happening in my life, seemingly unconnected, but they create some different emotion in my head. like her.. at times i just feeling like laughing out loud at everything in my life, at every small thing which seems so huge to me, and every huge thing which seems so small, and some small things which i percieve as small only, and some huge things which i percieve as huge.
everything seems a mish mash, one minute, i am down in the dumps, i feel like tearing someone apart, someone apart from me. i think i m thru tearing myself. thn whn i keep my emotions aside, i keep my thoughts and brains and mind aside, i let loose everything n have fun.
yesterday i discovered that i am a girl at the heart of it all, coz my way to let loose, my way to fuck life was to go shop. i shopped n shopped n shopped till i dropped. actually. and while i was doing it, i forgot everthing else. someone described me in a mad frenzy when i was shopping, n i thought is it?? coz this is very normal for me..
i shopped for the first time without my mom, n i shopped for the first time in earnest, for me n someone else.. i forgot everything, n thts whts important for me. for a second tht time, i thoguht i could see my life clearly in front of me.. what was my future.. wht, with whom, where, when and then tht vision disappeared. like that, just like that. like it was just soemthing meant to entice me and torment me. and tht is wht it did.
then, another seemingly small but entirely too huge a thing happened. someone checked my emotions for me. i was "tested" on how much i cared (or thts the way i think), i wonder if it could be heard in my voice..
hmm.. wonder when i ll be accused for whts really wrong inside me instead of wht i m proud of, wht is right inside me.. or mayb i ve got all the logistics wrong..