Thursday, April 03, 2008

How long?

It's always a random conversation on the phone with a random person that dashes my dreams. And everytime my dreams have been dashed, I have wondered when will that final stroke come. Which will crash and burn my dreams. Which will remove me of this childish attachment I have to my dreams. And they crashed today, and they will burn till the fire reaches exhaustion.

I used to dream a lot. Every stranger on the road could be a dream, every obtuse comment could be a dream, and if I had known you for more than 5 minutes, you would definitely have featured sometime in my dream. Now I just know that those dreams will have no more value in my life.

Because how long can someone keep believing in second chances? And how many second chances are there in life?

How many times can you take the whip on your back? When every whip diminishes your self worth by chunks. When you finally start rebuilding a soft, vulnerable version of your self worth up again, that final blow can kill it forever.

For how long can you stand on the sidewalk and just try and concentrate on the footfalls that you hear, and block each and every killing thought our of your head?
For how long can you block the world out.. just so that you can forget that anything apart from this microcosm that is you, your body and your brain exist?
For how long can you look at nothingness, blankly, and feel that twinkle in your die, a slow painful death every realization that the brain draws on?
For how long can you be stuck in this weird position where you know that the million things happening to you at that instant? are killing you inside, but somehow, tears cannot be contemplated even.
How much more time, before the poison from the eyes spread to being, and kills it too, completely, slowly and painfully?

For how long can you survive on a staple diet of lies that are fed to you?

For how long exactly can you wait, for that phonecall of truth?

And how long then will it take me to stop believing that its all those little white lies I indulged in as a child that are coming back to me, triple fold, now?

There'll be changes on this blog soon.. the word dream is crawling under my skin, creeping me out. No more.


Ashwin said...

It is these once-in-a-lifetime episodes that shatter your dreams. And when they happen more than once, you lose faith in all that is good. You start questioning all that is noble and moral. You stop believing in others, even yourself.

It is at such times that you are defined. Somehow, you need to find the courage and artillery. It might feel like the most difficult task at times, but you owe it to yourself to fight back. First, find that place within and then turn to the world when you are ready. WE are here, always.

Because if you stop dreaming, stop believing, you might lose yourself.

~The Dream Catcher~ said...

Sometimes you find different ways of fighting back..

Ashwin said...

And finding different ways is an excellent way to begin!