Quite weirdly, it sunk in now. It sunk in now that I might actually be going away from my home for a good three to four years to study, to live a new life and to learn and grow..
A few days back a close friend told me that it had just sunk in for him that I would not be around anymore, that I would actually be flying off. And in my ever-flippant style I said, "Relax.. its not sunk in yet for me.. why are you getting so serious"
While I said this my mind was already relaying to me that the day it sunk in, boy it would hit hard. And the day it chose to happen was today, 12 hours before my Visa Interview.
Suddenly, as I looked out of the speeding car, something pinched. I blamed it on feeling bad about a few things happening around me at that moment. It took some heavy metal pounding into my ears ( and I HATE metal) for me to realize that the fluttering, the pinch, was nothing but my conscious awakening to the fact, that tomorrow will truly be the day that decides it all. And if it's positive, a new life will begin.
The more the feeling became obvious, the louder was the volume on my normally soft-spoken i-pod. It was as if I was trying to drown out the screaming in my head. Competing with the voice within. I met her, and discussing nothing with her over burger and fries calmed me down. But the minute I headed back home alone, the screaming began.
It's like its pulling me down, compelling me to understand that this just a glimpse of what I might go through there, yet I have promised myself that I will never think of turning back now.
For a moment, I actually wondered that if I really was not happy leaving, then maybe I should mess up my Visa Interview. But that's no way. The mature me rubbished the idea as soon as it took birth. It feels so weird to not be excited about going to the US of A. Maybe it's because I have already been there. Maybe it's because it never beckoned me. It never managed to quite charm me. And the rotting Statue of Liberty did not help at all.
I'm glad I have my parents with me on the flight there. It's going to smooth my ruffles more than anything else. If anything could give me a little bit of peace, it's that they are accompanying me and that my brother, is going to be around, even if not physically, then mentally.
And I'm glad that Veeru is going to be there. Even if he is going to be in New York, and me in Champaign, it's just going to calm me down knowing that he is in the same country, going through the same experience as me.
Don't want to scream inside anymore.. don't want to think anymore..