Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Don't Leave Home...

I have been listening to Dido all day long. I think it just confuses me up more. Messes my head up, leaves a pleasant buzz behind. And I think her confusion is what makes her one of the best singers.. very real, her words. A state of welcomed chaos within...

My mind is not reacting to the environment around me. I am moving around the house as if I am going to be here forever. I am meeting up my friends, and issuing dire threats about me shipping off soon. But I don't feel it. Ineptness of my being...

Everyone keeps telling me, "Enjoy your time there, have all the fun you can, eat all you can." But I'm living my normal life. My every-day life. Where is the excitement? Why is it missing? Where's the joy? Where's the anticipation?? The Lost feeling seeping in...

My mind has gone numb. Blind maybe. I don't see the what's looming right in front of me. I refuse to accept the truth as it is happening. I pack, and I think I am packing for someone else. I empty my closets, and watch mum fold all my clothes away neatly into my bags, and I still don't see that they are my clothes. Blind spots of the mind...

I keep thinking about all those people I will not be able to meet before I leave. I wonder if it will make a difference to them. I'm thinking about it, because it makes a difference to me. But I'm quite sure its not mutual. Or maybe, they haven't told me it matters to them, for the exact same reason that I haven't. They might be waiting for me to approach them. Lost chances of my life...

My eyes glaze over the calendar. People are planning to drop me off at the airport. Marking the day, and grinning about it. There are those waiting there for me. My brother, J, my cousins, my friends. And there are others trying their best to not tell me to not go. Say it once. I'll feel better about it. It might just put me at peace. A heavy restlessness...

Laughter is miles away, in Delhi, struggling with building her own new life. Doctor is in Pune, but I will get to meet her only once before I leave. Basanti, Dhanno, Jay, Veeru are all here. We are all planning a big weekend meet. But it still doesn't strike true. Tag cant make it to meet me. Pri, my over-protective Pri, will be coming down for me specially. Puneet's presence is always around, but we haven't been able to do all those things we had thought we would do once before I go. Yet, she managed to give me one of the best gifts anyone could ever give me. But I wonder if I'll get to meet my entire family together once before I go. My entire extended family. More lost chances...

Mr. Pilot. He has been planning to come from the beginning of this month, but has not been able to make it back yet. If does finally make it back, I'll get to spend 5 days with him. Funny. Someone with whom I have spent the last five years, through thick and thin, best friends, always there for each other. In my last days here, I'll get only 5 days with him. Ironically bereft...

I installed the little midget in the sidebar, for the express purpose of reminding me every time I look at it. And the little damned thing says I have just 8 days, 23 hours, 16 minutes and 23 seconds left with me.

I don't remember my dreams anymore. I don't think I dream of pleasant things. I think they are disturbing dreams. "It's a sign of deep sleep" someone tells me from deep inside, "or maybe too blank a mind."


Don't Leave Home..

Like a ghost don't need a key
Your best friend I've come to be
Please don't think of getting up for me
You don't even need to speak
When I've been here for just one day
You'll already miss me if I go away
So close the blinds and shut the door
You won't need other friends anymore

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
And If you're lost just hold on
Cause I will be your safety

Oh don't leave home

I arrived when you were weak
I'll make you weaker, like a child

Now all your love you give to me
When your heart is all I need

Oh don't leave home, oh don't leave home
If you're cold I'll keep you warm
And If you're lost just hold on
Cause I will be your safety

Oh don't leave home

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me

Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you

If you're cold I'll keep you warm
And If you're lost just hold on
Cause I will be your safety

Oh don't leave home
Cause I will be your safety
I will be your safety
I will be your safety

Oh don't leave home


And who, I wonder, will be my safety, now that I am leaving home...


puneet said...

u made me cry sweety, hope i could stop

'nonnymus said...

We always take out security with us, in onr form or the other... along with memories and good wishes and food and clothes and the million other things... so Im sure you'll be just fine.
Going on a study trip are you? Enjoy the pain while you're here.. there are some things that we owe our tears to. There will be lots of time for excitement later.

TaG HeueR said...

Blame the rains...blame the rains..i wont say more

J said...

This is a nice post.
Sometimes when we know quite in advance that we are to leave and not stay here, then with days approaching near we do tend to live, behave normally because we have already thought a lot about it. And also somewhere inside we do count all the things in the world.
I know u to be learning well with time.
U will face all the things well. :-).

Pragni~The Dream Catcher~ said...

Puneet-Wish someone could!!! I'll see you before I go..

'nonnymous sir- "just fine" is a state of suspended perspective.. When there's no other way to describe, define or wish.. we say that.

Tag- I dont blame anyway. I just hope for better times..

j- I hope so.. and if nothing does go wrong.. then you are there na ;)