Thursday, October 05, 2006

Lost home..

There is something called a deep-rooted, deep-seated fear. People fear huge things, gigantically, scary and really truly mortifying things. I just read Shantaram and I realized that there are a lot of fears which I haven't seen, which I haven't experienced.

Yet after last December, some kind of a fear has taken root in me, deep within me. It was just a robbery, just an encounter with the pilferist, but it has settled in me. And I hate it.

Now everytime, I hear a knock, some movement unwarranted, something amiss, it feels like something has clutched my belly with deep sharp claws. It's bloody scary and irritating. Because, I hate being intimidated by anything, especially by something that is done and over with. I hate looking up the stairs, everytime I insert my key in the lock, and I hate feeling scared when I hear that my mom is alone at home. I hate double checking every lock, every door, every sound and everything in the house when I am alone. I hate not feeling safe in my own cocoon, the only home I have ever known in my life. Its frustrating.

I love this house, even though I know that I wont live here my entire life, I love this place. Understandable. And from this same love arises this hate. And want. I want to be able to feel safe and secure again. To stride nonchanantly into my home and feel at ease. I want my home back.

5 comments:

'nonnymus said...

its because u love ur home so much tht u feel this need to protect it. maybe ur home is all the more urs now. and its very natural to become alert once such a thing happens. besides its in u to feel too passionately abt everything. so instead of analyzing it too much, y not just accept it as a part of ur being and live with it?

J said...

Yeah incidents like these do make us feel scary and alert. No doubt it takes root inside us. Even I am facing this situation after witnessing some events.
It is good in a way it makes us more alert. But yeah some times scary.
Hope it goes away soon
We definitely love our homes.

Anonymous said...

ive had this feeling recently of being completely incapable of shaking off some stupid- irrational-inexplicable-totally incapacitating insecurity.am dealing with it by trying to stress out less over deadlines and shit like that and spending more time with friends and anooj.am not sure if its workin so far. i suppose u ve gotta take what ur mind gives you and put it to some productive use.any way i use that awful nagging-poking sensation as a cue to get thinking abt other stuff like how to cure cancer etc.(kidding)but really. start by diverting your thots immediately to the next meal of the day. works like a charm so far...

Aniruddha said...

long time no see ? Happy Diwali btw ..

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

'nonnymous-its not easy. atleast for a person likeme, its not easy to shake it off and live with it. but i m trying

J-hmm.. i hope it never goes away.. id ont wanna let my guard down so that it can happen again

D-u r total foodie, agreed i like food too, but am not as food-centric as u sweetheart. ic ant charm of my fears by concentrating on my next meal, nor do i have a boyfriend to do it!! ;)

Ani-been busy with gre. Happy diwali to u.. n everyone..