I m holding on to things which most people are asking me to forget. Everyone i have consulted about this has told me its a bad idea, i need to let go n move on. But i dont know how to explain to thm.. what this means to me.
Its just a few questions to most of you guys, but to me, its the thread which refuses to snap. refuses to snap till the questions are answered.
My life is going great, I am glad that things are shaping up. I am glad that i have all you guys, and more. But i cant snap out of that phase in my life, when my mind was so warped it refused to see beyond a few things. I feel incomplete. Like I have left an integral part of me behind, left it purposely coz I m just so disgusted with it. Disgusted with the way it became so vulnerable, so quick. So susceptible to charm and lure, so fast.
I dont understand how i can get it across, that even if i dont get the answers to my questions i need the satisfaction of knowing tht i have asked thm. That might just finish the chapter and shut the book for me. Might, I dont know. And I'm not sure.
I understand that being scared about how things might become worse is but natural. But I also understand that, this, I have to do. I know that mom-dad will have more sleepless nights once they know of this, if they ever know, butI know that they wont understand this. They cant.
I am not going to turn the pages back and go blind again. I have my eyes wide open this time. I m aware that I must have said similar things 3 years ago, but I was living an illusion then. An illusion, which i admit, I created, and I am ready to take the full blame of it.
I am ready to shoulder the guilt all my life, live my mistakes, and repent all my life. But to do this with a calm mind, I need to ask those questions. I dont seek revenge anymore, Id ont seek penance, or I dont want someone to share the blame and the guilt with me. I can do that on my own.
All I need, is one chance, to see how i got duped so easily. How did I not see what was happening around me. And why was it all orchestrated. To what effect?? And who gained what out of the entire Charade.
Please let me do it. Please dont stop me this last time. Please trust me enough to let me do it.