Thursday, July 06, 2006

To snap the thread...

I m holding on to things which most people are asking me to forget. Everyone i have consulted about this has told me its a bad idea, i need to let go n move on. But i dont know how to explain to thm.. what this means to me.

Its just a few questions to most of you guys, but to me, its the thread which refuses to snap. refuses to snap till the questions are answered.

My life is going great, I am glad that things are shaping up. I am glad that i have all you guys, and more. But i cant snap out of that phase in my life, when my mind was so warped it refused to see beyond a few things. I feel incomplete. Like I have left an integral part of me behind, left it purposely coz I m just so disgusted with it. Disgusted with the way it became so vulnerable, so quick. So susceptible to charm and lure, so fast.

I dont understand how i can get it across, that even if i dont get the answers to my questions i need the satisfaction of knowing tht i have asked thm. That might just finish the chapter and shut the book for me. Might, I dont know. And I'm not sure.

I understand that being scared about how things might become worse is but natural. But I also understand that, this, I have to do. I know that mom-dad will have more sleepless nights once they know of this, if they ever know, butI know that they wont understand this. They cant.

I am not going to turn the pages back and go blind again. I have my eyes wide open this time. I m aware that I must have said similar things 3 years ago, but I was living an illusion then. An illusion, which i admit, I created, and I am ready to take the full blame of it.

I am ready to shoulder the guilt all my life, live my mistakes, and repent all my life. But to do this with a calm mind, I need to ask those questions. I dont seek revenge anymore, Id ont seek penance, or I dont want someone to share the blame and the guilt with me. I can do that on my own.

All I need, is one chance, to see how i got duped so easily. How did I not see what was happening around me. And why was it all orchestrated. To what effect?? And who gained what out of the entire Charade.

Please let me do it. Please dont stop me this last time. Please trust me enough to let me do it.

9 comments:

Aniruddha said...

Dear Pragni, yes I understand what you are trying to achieve and why .. but from my experience, we can never ask enough questions to satisfy our mind. The answers we receive, create more questions and then it just becomes a tangled web of questions and nothing else. I have been there, done that & felt even more frustrated. Sometimes its better if answering is left to 'time' beliveing that everything happens for the best for now.

This is not to discourage / stop you but just to make you ready for it in case you do decide to go look for answers. Good Luck !

J said...

There were questions even I did not have answer at one time. Even I could not see things behind the scene. Some questions were answered when my understanding grew more and I became more matured. They were answered after I became more n more aware of the world.
Then there is the hard or the unrealistic way to get an answer. If you are very desperate and it is very imp for u to knw the answer then there are means to be sought to get through the hard way to make it possible. Well thats the other way answers can be knwn.

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

Aniruddha- I hadn't thought of that, that the answers that are given might raise more questions, but now i realize its true. I wonder how much more tangled a web can get!!

J- Tu jaanta hai how important this is. Its not abt how desperate i am, but how important this is, for my peace of mind.

Both of you, and all others concerned- Well my oppurtunity has gone anyway.. So for now the tide has quelled, but i do hope i get my chance again.

anwesha said...

rags,every time v ask ourselves y sumthn happend,our over active brain gives us a million answers..many of which end up giving us a billion questions more to b answered..n like aniruddha said there is this tangle of questions n answers..i understand ur need..trust me i do..n i support u in this as i support u in every thing u do..i just want u to know n b prepared for the fact tht the answers u uncover might give u more sleepless nites trying to rest those other questions..take care..am at chennai now,dad hd work here(whch is y v were rushing our trip like loons getting up at unearthly hours to catch flights..)leaving for port blair by 5.45 am flight..(c wot i mean by unearthly)
neways,will stay in touch n send u loads of snaps on ur mail id..

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

anu-i love u.. infinitely

Anonymous said...

and me? dont you love me? i cant write hugely inciteful blog comments (anwesha completes us doesnt she?)but u cant love me less for that.
ps: i can be spiteful. is that useful too?

j said...

Prags how cannot i knw how imp this is for u. i knw tat very well. be patient n positive for ur chance n as i said earlier, there is always an unrealistic hard way. There always are going to be plenty of things in the mind.
But for the peace of mind, it is not only good but necessary to get just the right answer.

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

i love u too miss-know-it-all!! more thn u can imagine!!!

'nonnymus said...

Just dont do it alone.