Sunday, December 16, 2007

Addictions

Things change, and time is relative about the change. I was in this place, Chicago, at my aunt's place three years ago. 2004. I was a mere 18 years old then. Mature in some ways, but still dependent on anger and tantrums.
My camera's batteries died out.. and I wanted new ones. I wanted to be able to capture every magical moment I was spending here. I really wanted to. And I have this thing about cameras and wanting to keep clicking away. I kept askign for batteries for two days and no one would get me any. Being in a new country with a different currency and a different way of shopping and behaving.. I couldn't even just go out on my own and get some batteries. Tired and angry, finally on the third day I erupted. I threw a huge kickass tantrum. HUGE. I just went from an adorable teenager to a sulky child.

My anger was justified, but my tantrum was not. Today when I look back, all I can remember is that silly stupid crying me, throwing a tantrum at the Baha'i Temple in Chicago, refusing to talk to anyone. I am with the same people today. Alone. No parents, no elder brother. And suddenly I realize that maybe they identify me with that tantrum too now. That's the mark I left on them. If the same thing happened today, I would get angry.. and then shut up.

Pal keeps asking me to yell or say something when I am pissed off. But I cant. There are very few people in front of whom I blow off my steam, because they are the only ones who can handle it.

My mom, Chintanbhai, Sneha, Tag, PRi and once upon a time, Mr. Pilot. Don't get me wrong, I have other very very precious friends too. But somehow the anger just does not come in front of them. I just eat it up. And that's how it should be. I should know when to bite my anger up and be mature about the situation.

That's why I like growing up. The change within me. The change in my way of looking at things, my perspective if you will. The change in my way of looking at the world. The change in the way I react to situations. The change in the way I think. Because I think.

It's as addictive to me as writing is. Thinking.

1 comment:

sillysneha said...

have i mentioned it before?
I LUV U!
u r an ass!
but i luv u!