I have repeatedly said that I never had friends through my undergrad years in Mithibai and BMM. And then not in MCJ too. None except the few who insisted on sticking to me.
Today I will explain why.
I have always had a problem with trusting people. This is a convoluted sort of a problem. I trust people too easily, and because I know that, I have learnt to not trust them with my feelings, thoughts and opinions. And experiences. I have had the most outrageous, adventurous and even stupidest of experiences in my little life till now. And it is difficult to trust people with them because you do not know what kind of impressions they will form because of it.
So I prefer letting people think that I am this stupid, care-a-shit, blunt, and maybe egoistic female. I had a bunch of people who I trusted implicitly, and I did not see why I would need to trust anyone more.
In my first few days in US, I had decided that I will drop this attitude, I will be who I really am. No defenses. But they kicked in automatically.
"What's the problem there babe?" Div asked.
"I just can't trust anyone div. I don't want to voice my thoughts or opinions. I keep thinking that I have you guys for that, right?"
"That's stupid, raags", she said, "these are your people now. Trust them. Love them. Unless you take the plunge, you will never be an involved person."
I listened to her. I somehow opened up to Dhum. He was one of the first few people I spoke with, and spoke a lot with.
Then, slowly, I got close to another friend. Let's call this friend Deshi American (DA). He spoke a lot about his life, we had long conversations. But I wouldn't open up to him. I wouldn't talk to him about my life. DA kept asking me why I did not talk to him, why I did not open up to him. And I said I don't know. I could feel my brain telling me, its because you don't trust him with your thoughts, opinions, ideas and feelings. But I could trust Dhum with it. But not DA. Dunno why.
DA and me are not close anymore. He has suddenly become very close to RM. And I find myself being glad about the fact that I never trusted him with my thoughts, because I definitely do not trust RM with it. And DA has become annoyingly formal with me since he has grown closer to RM. I can NOT take formalities within friendship.
And I have another beautiful friend. Pal. She is simple, straight-forward, caring, trust me implicitly and I am slowly realizing that I trust her implicitly too. And I have realized that I miss her presence if I don't meet her for more than a couple of days.
And there is Pik, he is the third dimension of my brother and Veeru. He is just someone who can be trusted implicitly. He is someone who will talk about everything to me. He is someone who, while watching a movie, will suddenly sigh and say, "I want to see you with a boyfriend, Pragni". And then looking at my baffled expression he will pass a stupid comment lightening the moment.
I cannot not mention Petrovski. He is not on campus yet. I know I probably shouldn't trust him that much. But I do. We have a very informal friendship. He is very easy to talk to, to trust. He actually exercises his rights on me as a friend, which is a sure shot way of gaining brownie points with me. I feel like wanting to make his transition to U of I as easy as possible. Telling him everything that I would have loved to know before I got here. I want to be able to make the smooth transition to a real friendship with him. He started blogging after reading my blog. Which, is a huge honor for me, really. Every time he thinks about getting an apartment, he asks me if I see myself hanging out there once he comes. And I think that is the cutest thing possible. He is not really a part of the circle, but somehow I already associate him with us.
I have realized that next year, I am taking an apartment near Dhum and Pal, just so that, even though I'll be living alone, I will be with my these few people I trust implicitly. These are also the only few people on my campus who know that I blog. That's a different thing that only Dhum and Petrovski reads.
I hope to goodness's sake that nothing happens to all of us. That nothing touches the trust that we have. To this Dhum will say in his characteristic way, "Eh-screw you.. nothing will..", Pik will just smile that beatific smile of his and put an arm around my shoulder. And Pal will give me her bone crushing hug and say, "you shut-up now".
So I shut-up now.. and I get back to studying which the rest of these people are doing and I am not.