Friday, September 28, 2007

Unpredictable Suddenness

Something just clicks. And something goes wrong. Something just shifts and slides inside and falls into that dark sphere which hurts terribly.

I spend the entire day pleased. With a spring in my step, a smile in my mind. I finish all my work on time. And then the dark sphere approaches. I run away. I try to run as far away as I can from it. Once it clouds over me, I know the cheer will take time to return.

I hate my damn moods. I hate the damn unpredictability of it. I HATE IT. But they just don't seem to understand that. They just keep pelting me with their suddenness.

I was walking across the Oval Maidan, 8:30 in the night. The laptop felt heavy on my back, and I knew my next train was at 8:43. I had a load of work to finish, I had a load of work to start with. I remember smiling because I liked the feeling. The feeling of knowing my responsibilities and priorities. The feeling of the chilly twilight breeze, hitting me across my face as I walked across the dark, dark pathway. The dreamy walk, lit with bright yellow bulbs, littered with pani-puri wallas and couples walking hand-in-hand. I remember thinking then, "Maybe this is how living in USA, shouldering my responsibilities will feel like."

I was so wrong. I want that feeling again. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to feel like that again. I was rigging N about not having inner peace, I just realized now, I am ravaged inside. I don't have even a tidbit of inner peace. Why? Why the hell? If everyone thinks this too, then why is there no answer to it yet.. someone must have an answer.. who??

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