Thursday, December 28, 2006


I looked at my laptop screen in front of me and willed it as far away from me as possible. It dint go. I looked again and finally clicked on the words,

View Scores

And my eyes filled with tears.

Some people are plain cranky.. some people are plain hard hearted. I call myself a convert.

I used to be a real cry baby when I was a kid, but hey, who isn't?? Then, experiences and sad loves of teenage years made me hard hearted. I remember one time my best friend, the doc, came up to me and said,

"Pragni, please cry. For once. Cry out of your pain,
your sadness, or anything at all. But cry."

Ofcourse, hearts heal, or you learn to move on. And then you start smiling again. More importantly you start laughing and crying again. But there is still a guard on the emotions. And this is how people are shaped. Moulded and set into a cast which fits them for a lifetime, except for some chips.

But there have been very very few times that I have cried out of happiness. One was when a dance I had choreographed had been executed to absolute perfection. It was the perfect performance all performers, choreographers and guru's vie for. When the dance was in action, my eyes were full of tears.

That one was unexpected. So was this one.

The second time. My orkut scrapbook told me that my results were out. My TOEFL results. The score card said that I got 118. On 120.

I expected 100, I wanted 115, I got 118. I also did not want 115. 'Coz now I don't want to go to US. I want to go out and study but for some reason, not USA. As soon as I told everyone about it, EVERYONE said, "Now you are set to leave." I don't want to.

Doc had also told me once,

"Daarling, you always say you wont get good marks on this exam or you wont get thru this entrance. But you always do. You'll get good scores in GRE and TOEFL both. Just you see."

This one is for you daarling. And your absolute trust in me. Even I don't trust myself that much.

The 118 filled my eyes with tears. I'm still trying to figure out if they were happy tears or sad. I don't know. I think I don't know.


IdeaSmith said...

I'm glad you posted this. Because someday, believe it or not, you'll look back and wonder why you felt this way. Or you mayn't even remember. Its a memory worth keeping, I think.


anu said...

am nt being dramatic bt i had tears in my eyes..
pragni u hv com a long way frm those days..whether u believe it or not..all those who kno u n see u will tell u the same..
time heals all takes more time wen the pain is more bt eventually it lessens..u hv a gr8 life to look fwd to n there r many people in ur life who wish it to b the best..
n my trust in u is unshakeable..tht is all tht i hv to say abt tht..take care..
n do wotever u feel is the best for u..n b prepared to face the consequences of tht there wid u..

pragni~dreamcatcher~ said...

Ideasmith- Thanku.. I agree.. its a memory worth keeping, coz i know i'll never forget that feeling. I think the best thing about life is that it matures you..

Anu- Everyone moves along when faced with those days. Its bound to happen. Whats different among different people is the way they cope with themselves and everything aorund them. And by the way, the pain might lessen, but pain it will always be. Anyhow.. we are into happy thoughts now.. so no crying!!

Anonymous said...

wheeee! its gonna be a great yr! i feeel it in my bones *tra la la*

J said...

Wow. There is this happiness and saddness as well. I have never cried out of happiness.