Reincarnation

Sometimes, your last life catches up to you. Most times, it doesn't hurt, it doesn't sting, it just makes you wistful. It makes you miss the stuff you left behind. The people you left behind. The friendships that got eroded.

It reminds you of the crazy crazy times you had then. And you wish you had someone to remember them with. Someone to say to, "Remember how we were crushing on this song that time?" Or someone who shared the joy of an experience and won't mind revisiting it with you.

You miss the feeling of discovery. The feeling of newness. The feeling of exhilaration that you shared together. It doesn't mean you don't have most of it in your new life, but it would just be nice to be able to remember those times again.

Wouldn't it? 

She loved the smell of smoke

In the small hotel bed, the two of them lay next to each other.

He had opened his arm out on the pillow and her head rested in the crook of his elbow. Turning away from her, towards his side of the bed and he pushed his other hand into his backpack on the floor, riffling for a few moments, and fished out a cigarette pack. He flicked it open with one hand and pushed a cigarette into his puckered mouth.

She watched him with a mixed look on her face. Her forehead wrinkled with disgust but her mouth slightly upturned with fascination.  Her plump cheeks were flushed pink, from his proximity or from the wear and tear of his prickly stubble. She looked away from the cigarette smoke and laced her fingers through his other hand. The one on which her head rested. That’s when she noticed them. Small, dark, round marks on the underside of his wrist. Several of them.

“Are those..”  she gulped, turning her head back towards him.

“ Cigarette burns” he said between puffs.

She looked at his hard chiselled face. It was a weird face that he had. He had a soft school boy dreaminess around his eyes, but the rest of his face was all string and chiselled. High cheekbones, a strong square jawline and smooth, thick black hair. But his eyes were a light molten brown. Darkened amber, but light milk chocolate. She loved his eyes the most.

“Don’t worry so much,” he drawled lazily, “this is from way before.”

“How does it burn like that though?” she asked hesistantly.

“When the cigarette is at its butt end, I just quashed it on my wrist,” he said casually, like his wrist was just another spare ashtray he had lying around.

“Did it.. didn’t it burn?”

“Like hell”

She looked at his thin, almost black lips. That too was from his smoking, she knew. He had been smoking from almost 12 years, since sixth grade. He had tried to quit a few times, all half-hearted attempts.

“See these marks?” he jerked his cigarette hand towards her, “these are lighter. They will go away with time.”

“The ones on the other hand won’t?”

“Nope. They are not meant to. I held the butt to my skin for longer.”

“Mmm,” she said, already back to her thoughts again.

He smoked out a couple more drags before she spoke up again.

“How does it hurt?” she wondered out aloud, “Does it sting, does the flesh smell?”

He thought for a second and replied, “It was a long time ago, Kari.”

“Can you..” she looked into his eyes, took a deep breath, and continued, “Can you quash that one out on me?”

She held out her wrist.

“No!” He almost screamed, his voice thick with horror.

“It’s not going to kill me!” she exclaimed

He shook his head firmly, “No. No way.”

“Niel,” she pleaded, “c’mon”

“Why do you want me to do that??” his voice was raw, hoarse, suddenly.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, and the sheet slipped away from her shoulder to her breast, revealing her low cut tank top.

His cigarette was burning out now. He reached across her to his ashtray.

“Niel,” she implored him.

“Kari, I..” He was at a loss for words. “Why?” he asked her, again, heavily.

“I want to feel it,” she answered simply, “I want to feel a bit of the pain you did.”

“What will that get you?”

“I don’t know Niel,” her voice became quick now, urgent, “Maybe some understanding of your life.” She brought her hand closer to him.

He looked at his cigarette. It was starting to singe his skin.

“Kari, please” his voice still hoarse.

“Do it,” she said simply and led his hand to her wrist. She held out her hand, palms open, exposing her wrists underside.

He brought the cigarette really close to her skin. Her soft, white, fleshy skin, with a hint of pink. He was looking at the cigarette, intently. She was looking at her wrist.

A bit of ash rolled off the burning stick and touched her white skin. Her eyes, expecting a burn, opened slightly wider. When she realized it wasn’t the cigarette, she looked up at him. “Niel,” she smiled, “Do it.”

He brought the cigarette down on her wrist. Held it there, and looked up at her. She had shut her eyes.

“When I turn 18, I will start smoking” Kari promised herself.

Old Love

Hiru aunty got up form the table, and took her plate to the sink. She rinsed her plate, and washed her hands right there, looking surreptitiously at her husband still chomping away at the last piece of gulab jamun. Shaking off the water from her hands, she walked back to the dining table. " You going to take time?" she inquired, as she starting clearing out the space where she had gotten up from and stacking some books there. 

Joseph uncle looked at the clock on the wall in behind him. 12.45. "Your students dont arrive for another 15 minutes, woman" he growled without looking at her, "let me have my gulab jamun in peace"

Hiru sighed and opened one fat book from her stack. Quantifying Mathematics. 

"Are you mugging up the theorems again?" Joseph uncle asked, stealing a glance at her past his bowl of Gulab Jamuns and the smile he was hiding behind it.

"Shutup!" Hiru retorted back, "I dont need to mug up anything. I am just.. " Hiru reached out for the small box of mouth freshners she kept. She shook out a coin-sized heap of the it and plonked it in her mouth.

"Are you eating those specks of flesh again?" Joseph had not even turned to look at her.

"Dhana ni da'ad, Joseph, dhana ni da'ad" she sighed, "why do you harass me so?"

"But you should try flesh. If you stir fried it with a bit of Olive oil and some pepper, it would taste just like that Gujarati mouth freshners of yours."

"Joseph, no matter how you try it. No meat will enter this house. So stop trying."

"Damn woman" he muttered. 

"That's right. Abuse your wife of 42 years now."

"42 is it?" There was wonder in Joseph's voice now.

"Unfortunately yes. I should have listended to my papa when he told me life would be difficult with a catholic"

"Yea. And I should have listened to my drunk friends when they said during my bachelor party that that would be my last drunk revelry kind of night"

"Oh oh oh" Hiru turned to look at Joseph full faced now, "Your bachelor party. Wow. I still remember how angry I had gotten"

"You turned a shade of mauve I had never seen before."

"Baingan Mauve you called it"

"Yes. My baingan. You even resemble one now"

"Joseph!" Hiru complained.

Joseph chose to peer into his gulab jamun bowl looking for any specks of the round mound of sweet that he might have missed out. He put a finger in and licked out a few drops of the sweet syrup. Hiru had turned away from him by now. Her face had gone back into the Quantifying Mathematics book. Joseph sighed, and stacked all the empty vessels in his plate and got up. He trudged towards the sink and dropped his plate in it. He came back to the table and cleared it up, put the casserole dish of vegetables into the fridge and all the while kept looking at Hiru expecting her to lower the book slightly.

"You have dried up by the way. You look like an autumn leaf that could be sucked away by a gust of wind." Hiru said suddenly, her head still buried into the book. 

Joseph grinned.

Lovers on the grass

They lie on the grass, carefree. Carefree in a very worldly way. She has her bunch of papers open in front of her, he has his thick fat book. Their own little study nook. A corner of the University quad. A stolen hour in between rushing for class. A skipped lunch. In exchange for silence. Just an easy hour of pouring through work, fingers entwined sometimes, feet nudging each others' sometimes. A shared sip of water and a shared glance.

Lovers, they lie on the grass. Each immersed in their own love story. 

Can you sing a song to me?

You sing for the entire world, but I can't hear it. You play with the entire world, but I'm not a part of it.

Can you sing that song again, where you chased my afterglow. You might not be the best singer alive, but you are after all, my singer. My only singer.

Can you hold me in your arms again, and wait for me to drift off to sleep.

Distance, is definitely not an easy adversary to have, when distance, is all you have.

Striving to love myself..

The first time I was told I was ugly, it was my 11th birthday. I had worn what my mother had picked out for me, checkered shorts with a silver belt, and a black tee-shirt with something silver on it- I was quite skinny that time. You know you dress well in school for your birthdays, distribute chocolates? When I was doing that, my so-called brother Amey, pulled me closer and said

"I know I shouldn't say this to you today, but you look ugly. Why are you wearing that?"

I never wore that outfit again. I steadily gained weight that year on. Sometime when I was 13, I had my first crush, and the guy told me I was beautiful, and I did not believe him.

When I was 16, I was in a theatre group. I was one of the youngest there. The two other sixteen year olds were reed thin, I was, by now, plump and chubby, as everyone would call me. Obviously I never got the main part, until in the end I was given one as charity. One guy who was dating one of the reed thin girls, once remarked out loud,

"Girls just look so breath-takingly beautiful with wet hair."

The three of us had just come in from the pouring rain. We all had wet hair. We all looked at each other at this statement. The guy smiled and then after a pause said,

"But not you Pragni, your hair is horrible, how can you ever look good"

I have been out with models, a dangerous looking guy, an ok-looking guy, a gayish-looking guy, intelligent guys, rich guys, one player or casanova and one semi-celebrity too. But I have never believed myself to be worth them, physically or looks-wise.

I hate it, and I hate admitting it, but everytime one of the guys here tell me I look beautiful, I pause for a moment. That pause is to convince myself that even if I don't think so, maybe they do. They are not saying it to please me. They are not saying it out of any obligation. They mean it.

Till a really long time, everytime someone told me I looked good, my instant reaction would be "yea, right" or "Stop kidding around?", until one day, R got really angry with me and told me that he wouldn't say it if he dint mean it, and I d better start believing him or saying it out right that I did not trust him.

I said, "I don't know what other reaction to give!"

Said he, "Try thank you. It normally works."

I did not believe my thank you's after that for a long time too.

It's just recently that I have admitted to my being very very conscious about my body. About my self image. And admitted it in front of friends and now publicly. I know this is not going to liberate me. But maybe, somewhere along the line, I will be re-introduced to my self-esteem. Ironically, I do not lack in the department of self-confidence. Funny how I have made that thin line so thick for me.



P.S - Last two days of the pills. I promise this confess all mode will stop then and so will the sappiness.

Those three essential things for any kind of feelings..

"I can fall in love with someone because of their intelligence, its one of the three things that can get to me.."
"What are the other three things?"
Pause
I knew there were three things.. I just hadn't really put my mind to it to think what those three things were, you know? And this was not a person who would let me change the topic at this point.
"aah.. this might sound shallow but pampering maybe? I guess if someone pampers me a lot, I could fall in love with them." I have had cousins who have pampered me crazy, and I have adored them. So I guess, it could work...
"And the way a person treats other people around him. The respect you give other people, the distance you maintain, the way you talk to them." Now that was the correct one of the two. I was sure.

But pampering? I thought about it all night. Can I really fall for someone because they'd pamper me crazy? And then some instances came to my mind. Pilot insisted on me taking the diamond ring he got me. I refused, he actually went up to the sea to throw it. I took it. I love the ring, I had designed it. But I din't fall in love with him.

Pilot always always pampered me. If I saw a toy I liked, it would be sent to my place in a few days, twice in a week, fresh flowers would be delivered to my place, fancy dinners, and coffee every other night. I did not fall in love with him. And then he started hanging out with my parents. He respected them, took advice from them, revered them. That's when I even started thinking of him as someone who I might be able to be with. He wanted to them help out with the summercamp kids. He was beautiful with them, strict, scary but lovable. That's when I realized that he is worth a lot more. If things would have continued a bit, who knows I might have been in love with him (if love is possible). But end of story, I did not fall in love with him. Inspite of all the pampering, and inspite of all the respect I saw him give others.

I think the respect he gave others, made me respect him. And respect is very important for me. To give and receive. But it did not induce love. And pampering just made me feel nice, but I always knew it was a materialistic nice. And I guess seeing me feel nice, he felt nice. He never did it to make me fall in love with him. I hope.

Since intelligence is a must in people around me, I should have been in love with Dhum, Pinki, Petrovski, Veeru, Jats and looking at intelligence from a different angle, Pilot too.

But I am not. Which effectively negates my dialogue above. I cannot fall in love with anyone just because they are intelligent, or they pamper me, or that they are respectful. I can just be a little pleased with them for it.

I guess love just happens right? Without a reason?




**
So since you are reading this, I shall retract my statement above that I made to you. And rephrase it. A bit. "I don't know how to fall in love with someone. I don't know what can make me fall in love with someone. I don't even think I can define love. But yes, these three things that I listed? They make me think highly of a person. They make me realize that the person cares, for himself (intelligence), me (pampering) and others (respect). Which matters. I guess."

I am not a feminist because..

Because I do not believe in a weighing scale between the two anyway.

Because I have a lot of masculine behaviorisms which would pit me against feminine stereotypes.

Because I believe in the goodliness of both. Those who don't? Meet my brother, Mr. Pilot, Jay, Dhum, Pinks, Jats. And meet my Mom, Dhanno, Pri, Radha, Doc and Chocolate. This is the world.

Because I do not see a difference between men and women as two categories.. I see differences between each and every person. And I see that there is nothing called a personist.

Because I stereotype unconsciously and hate myself for it. For men or women.

Because I believe marriage is between two individuals, who are of the same standing. Neither wears the pants nor cooks for the house. Both do both and both should be able to manage both without the other too. And the two individuals can be of the same sex too.

Because existing is about defying stereotypes.

Because people I love being pampered, and I love pampering too.

Because I appreciate people who show chivalry, but hate those who overdo it.

Because I hate being undermined just because I am a woman, and love being respected for un-womanly things.

Because I typically hate sissy kinda behavior, whether it is a guy doing it or a girl.

Because I love appreciating beauty, and woman ARE beautiful.

Because I love broad shouldered, clean shaved guys.

Because I am confused about where I stand at the pedestal of which sex is better, both are essentially just humane but with different behavior systems according to me.

Because I hate being termed, put in a mould, or joining a bandwagon.

Because I have been asked before where I stand on this debate, and my answer has been "I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet because I don't believe in equality or inequality between two of the same kinds. "

Because I do not believe in the existence of this term at all.

There is this cloud wafting over the blogosphere right now about feminism, sexists and such. I did not intend to post anything on this. But this has been a discussion I have evaded from a long time. Here are my views finally, and that too because I realized the vacuum in the existence of it.
For some more views on it, diverse and otherwise, read this and this. She writes real good stuff on topics such as these.
For a different angle all together on this issue, read this.
For some typically blood boiling kind of a read, see this. Actually, I should not be giving him anymore publicity but I need people to see how disgustingly speechless you can be rendered.

Random jokes at 3 in the night..

Pal: I love Paki singers..

DhUm: Youtube is banned there..

Pal: Why is the song not playing??

Pause

Me: Because youtube is banned there?

----

Pal: Why is the video quality so bad?

Piks: Because it's coming from a place where it is banned?

Pal: ...



We are studying while this conversation is played out. We are crazy. I know. :)

Do you smile? Really?

"It's been more than a fortnight and you haven't blogged!"

"Kya kar rahi hai ab? Nothing? Peaacee.. go blog.."

"Have you written something? no? Have you written something?"

Three of my most faithful readers I guess. I haven't written in the last few days.. infact, I haven't even visited this page. I don't know why.

A couple of months ago, RM asked me a weird question, her motive for asking it was just to put me down, but anyway, here it is, "Why are you so insecure?" Now if you know me, you should know that this is a big deal for me. One, being asked such a question, and two, putting it up here. Opening myself to the million critiques and judgment that are going to pass through the mind of all you people out there, and no, don't deny it, you are going to judge me on this one question, someone who is anti-me has asked me.

Ahaa.. so if RM thinks she is insecure, she probably is. No wonder, she hates RM... etc, etc.

Hold your horses, RM said that because my status message on gtalk was "Meine dil se kaha.. dhoondh lana khushi..", and she had just been explained the meaning of this song.

My status messages on Gtalk are normally what my mood dictates. So I was kinda glum that day. One day my status can say things like "Oranges should not be eaten alone" and another day it can be "Happy happy happy, HAPPY days are here again", and sometimes just a plain, "Discombobulated". This in no way means I am depressed, or that I am insecure. It means, that I am a normal person (according to my standards) ( and I like my standards, thank you very much) and I have normal moods and ups and downs. And because I have downs, I know how good ups can be.

I am not one of those people who will always smile, even when they are grimacing inside, they are not even smiling really because a real smile can be just inside, and has to be inside too. I will grimace, frown at you and not just do it inside. I am not those bubbly, quirky, chirpy people who light up the place like sunshine wherever they are. I prefer my sarcastic barbs more anyday. I will not leave people with them thinking, "Wow, she is so sweet and caring", probably, you will be left wondering what the hell happened after I am done with. Ask Pik. He still remembers my first few lines to him, which were absolutely instinctive but not sweet and sugary from any angle.

I do NOT go about flashing my moods to everyone. But I do know for a fact, that there are a number of people on my gtalk list who roll their mouse over my name just to see what the status message says. To make sense of it, and smile. I know some, and I know that I do that too, for other people I know who keep insightful status messages. Which make me go hmmmm..

So I am asking this of you now. I throw the question out to debate, is it weird, insecure, depressing behaviour to acknowledge your bad mood and not suppress it? To be able to say, "Hey, I am in an effed up mood today, watch out."I would think that the eternally and artificially smiling kinds would be the insecure ones.. too insecure to be able to express themselves.

And for what it's worth, I refuse to ever have just a lame smiley as my status message, along with being unoriginal it is absolutely fake. You do not smile all the time really, why fake it.

Drafting the year gone past..

January, bought in the year with deciding that I would go to USA for grad school. Well, actually deciding it for sure in my mind. Had already don't the applications. It was just a decision made for my mind to start shifting into going mode. Dint shift into that mode anyway. Exactly this time last year, I was with my brother. I miss him. He is where I was last year, while I am.. well.. here.
Also, being my blogs birthday month, it got a new stat counter. It gets tougher to give gifts to children when they are growing up you know? Maybe this post, will be one.

February, Went to the blogger's meet, realized that the community was great, but did I really fit in? really?
Wrote a post with 20 random facts about me. But I figured no one would want to read it so left it in the drafts folder.
Made my second film. Loved every minute of making it, shooting it, shooting for Puneet's film and slogging over the music.

March, a respected, older journalist, trashed all blogs and bloggers. Got my blood boiling. I bought out all my guns and wrote a gunpowder coated post on it. Saved it in my drafts. I did not think anyone would want to hear me scream, plus, would the blog world really stand behind me. Also would the journalist even read it?
I still haven't visited Savannah yet, you know, from the Tantrum I threw.
Plus, put on five kilograms - dangerously close to getting out of right weight bracket and into overweight. Actually already a couple kilos into overweight bracket, but blissfully denying it. Oh and blog got recent comments widget because of a very benevolent, but media shy reader, AnonEcon, along with a new sister, Dreaming Through A Spyglass which has been largely inactive.

April, saw Namesake and Class of '84, with awesome people/bloggers. Applied some more, got rejected from my Top Priority University, and accepted from some other place called the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign (Who wants to go there anyway??) Mom made lovely achars at home.. bottles and bottles of pickles. I blogged about it. With pictures and recipes, but figured that no one would want to read a post about the pickle-expert that my mom is.. Drafts folder it is.

May, Summercamp time!!! Absolute dhamaal, stress because there were 85 children instead of 50. 8 songs, 8 different dance forms and costumes for all the 8 dances. After the Finale Stage show is over, I have to decide on which university I do want finally. Erm.. University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign it is.

June, Jats is here!! Yay!! Fulto Dhamaal, between his busy schedule. Three movies a day, coffees, conversations, morning walks, night walks, and beach. Oh the beach, our sanctuary. But before that, I had my last first rain experience.. in May!!
Also a fellow blogger and me had an interesting conversation on how blogging to has been commercialized, and I poured my thoughts on this, a lot of them they are, into a post. But really, who am I to comment on this issue. I am not even a popular bloggers or a semi celebrity blogger. Should I really do it then. Nah.. so it just ended up being a draft. Got the horrendous dental surgery done on me. I should call it Dental Construction because of the way the doc was hammering my tooth down, all without an anesthesia too. SO was mouthless for a couple of weeks.
Also, RESULTS!! I will never forget that day. Never, ever. It's not everyday that I top the university. Yes, I'm bragging, forgive me for it?
Also, Visa interview. Almost did not want to get the visa, got it anyway. The last hurdle crossed. Ready to fly. Quite an eventful month.

July, Chintan Bhai's birthday month!! Tried a post that would look into my future. But c'mon. Who am I kidding? Who wants to read that shit. Drafts. Left India intime for Bro's birthday. Got his a shiny GPS babe as a birthday gift. In case you din't know it even yet, that was MY idea!! Philly is beautiful. Where my brother lives is a beautiful house, and he drives a shiny black car. I knew all that already, but the last time I had come to US I hadn't gotten to see his house and how he lives. Three weeks with him before back to school...

August, wrote a blog about the million new things I did since I came to the US, and about the million misconceptions people have about US. Myths, realities and perspectives. Sounded very freshie to me. In the drafts folder it went. Set up a new home, a new identity, met all the desis in my university. Hated some, who went on to become my closest friends, liked some, who went on to a different world altogether.. Fierce loyalty for RM existed at that point of time, while Sam warned me, "She is not at all what she looks like. Beware". Took it with a pinch of salt. Uneventful birthday, a little sad even. But am quite used to sad birthdays by now. Classes begin. Only Indian in my entire department, and college. They can not believe that an Indian would want to get into Media and Advertising. Nice.. Hunt for assistantship and jobs also is on in full swing. Got a job, dishwasher. Took it in spite of my family not wanting it. Not an eventful month, but a lot of things happened.. If you get what I mean..

September, got a job as a writer with the yearbook of my University. Honored. Became a busy Grad student tackling two jobs, two researches and three classes. Also, making friends, knowing people. Got close to DA, had a lot of fun. Meanwhile, the Gumbal was being built. Strong. Found my support system, fought against it, but loved it all.

October, things were getting worse with RM. Hated the politics played with DA as a center. Got in the way, ruined the friendship with DA quite a bit. It upset me the first time it happened, the second time, I had stopped caring. Was getting used to it. Also, FALL!! Beautiful colors, beautiful leaves and beautiful weather. Started a fall color collection at home. Job going on as usual, but suddenly I realized that all the Pasta, Sprite and Desserts I was having at my job everyday was not helping me at all. Had put on 3 kgs, 8 pounds!!! No Pasta from now on, and no Sprite. Erm, dessert was an indulgence allowed.

November, wrote a post on the two jobs I was doing. Two ends of a spectrum. One very prestigious, another, manual, unskilled labor. I realized Mom and possibly Pri would not like my talking about it on a public place, so I posted it, but then condemned it to Drafts. Fell in love, with three people while things with DA reached a terrible state. Slogged like crazy for final papers. Also, lost 2 or maybe 3 pounds.

December, first few days, harried with work. Then, ultimate relaxation. Finished all pending work, did my bills, accounts. Patched things to a civil degree with DA. Cooked all that I wanted to try for Pinks, Pal and Dhoom. Saw a couple of movies I wanted to catch up with. Packed for Chicago and LA trip. A day before leaving for holidays, got the news that I had received an assistantship. Awesome!! University funding me.. paying me big bucks. Finally got dream job and dream life that I had been hoping for everyday. Maybe there is someone who listens to you. Chicago - Home food finally, lovely soft, white rotis, shaak, dal, rice, brownies, sev puris, mm.. lovely. 4 days in Chicago, I put on 6 pounds. Aw shucks. LA - Home. In USA. Having fun runnning once in a while, doing housework, helping masi around the kitchen, making fun of cousins, rolling and coasting on the world's scariest roller-coasters. Suddenly realized from my pictures, that I am at my fattest I have ever been. Infact, I have surpassed that line too. Shit!! Need to lose weight.

Conclusion, less of Drafts if possible. If I am writing about something, and writing the entire thing out, then it definitely should be worth it. Right?
Also, I dont believe in new year's resolutions, but I AM going to lose weight. 15 pounds. 7 kgs, if possible, then more, like 20 pounds or 10 kgs. I will do it. Have done it once before, can do it now. Two, will live a fuller life, more fun, more time, more love.

P.S : I know its a really long post, and I was almost tempted to put it in the drafts folder too, but enough of hiding my posts. I hope. If anyone wants any of those drafts to be put up, and you think you would read it, let me know. Will post it then probably.
Also, lurkers, readers, non-commenting readers and active readers, if anyone has any opinion on these drafts, or anything under the sun at all, feel free.

Enjoy the New Year people!!

Warning: This is a rant!!

Yes, you have been forewarned.. DO NOT COMPLAIN if you still read this.

Ok. Now that we have that cleared..

I just do NOT understand life. Or people. Or people-politics. Or people's behaviors. Or my room mate. Yea, I am back there again. I had been resisting all this while. I had promised myself and my dear blog that I will not whine or complain about RM anymore. Because someone tried to preach to me about how I was being unfair about talking about her publicly where she could not defend herself. I kept trying to clarify that really, its not like I hate her. It's just that we do not share the same comfort level, but I was still preached at. Anyway, I had decided even before that, that I am not going to turn into a whiny blogger (which it looks like I am turning into) and whine about something as uninteresting, dull and boring as a flatmate.

But it so happens, that DA and me have stopped talking altogether now. Because of RM. I had accepted that. Chalked it up as his loss. I had really convinced myself that if he got lured into her behavior and preferred that to my friendship, then its absolutely not my fault and that sometime in his future he would look back and repent. I was actually giving myself some credit for once. He said that when we were together, like him, me and RM, there was a "Clash" between the two of us which made him feel butchered between us. And he chose to just get distant because of that. His loss.

And now, she just very sweetly told me that a group of our seniors, who we are both very friendly with. And who I thought considered both of us as a part of them, called her today and asked her if she wanted to eat dinner at a restaurant in Mahomet. I really do not mind if she dines with a million people. But, I thought we were both at an equal foot there. In fact, if nothing, I have worked for them more than she has.
Ever been friends with a group of people and then suddenly realized that the group asked your roommate to join them for dinner and not you?

I seriously think that something is wrong with me now. Like maybe I have horns on my head, or maybe I really look so bad that when compared to the person who lives in the same flat as me, she is anyday better. I am NOT jealous. I am just mildly hurt. Really.

Because if I was terribly hurt I would probably not go to the mass party they are having tomorrow. Where they have sent a mass email out to everyone and asked them to come with booze and snacks.

You know what hurts more? Just a little more, not too much, mind you. Even I can't see through that bloody face everytime its on. Its just later when she tells me stuff like, yeah they asked me out for dinner, I realize, "Hey!! I am being excluded from here too now!!"

And thats exactly what happened with DA. I tried telling him that I feel like I am excluded when I am with him and RM, but he said it was just because of the clash between RM and me. So has this so called "clash" between us been at work even when I was not around and she was?

A few day ago, Dhum aked me how I can bear living with this. I can't really. Everyday my mum tells me to get out of this situation. To call its quits. But everyday, there is something new. Yesterday, she was out all day, today she was sleeping all day and tomorrow she will be sick all day. And that's how it keeps going on. And between all this, the "clash" is apparently working..

And that party tomorrow? I am definitely not going. Playing cards with Dhum, Pal, and Pik is so much more fun than being looked at as a side kick or just an additional person.

Thanks Guys. For being there.

And for any of you who did read this till the end, thanks for putting up with it. I just hope you dont think I am a b##ch because of this. Don't judge me on my rants. Please.

The starred abuse is because my Mom reads my Blog. Remember?

The circle of trust..

I have repeatedly said that I never had friends through my undergrad years in Mithibai and BMM. And then not in MCJ too. None except the few who insisted on sticking to me.

Today I will explain why.

I have always had a problem with trusting people. This is a convoluted sort of a problem. I trust people too easily, and because I know that, I have learnt to not trust them with my feelings, thoughts and opinions. And experiences. I have had the most outrageous, adventurous and even stupidest of experiences in my little life till now. And it is difficult to trust people with them because you do not know what kind of impressions they will form because of it.

So I prefer letting people think that I am this stupid, care-a-shit, blunt, and maybe egoistic female. I had a bunch of people who I trusted implicitly, and I did not see why I would need to trust anyone more.

In my first few days in US, I had decided that I will drop this attitude, I will be who I really am. No defenses. But they kicked in automatically.

"What's the problem there babe?" Div asked.
"I just can't trust anyone div. I don't want to voice my thoughts or opinions. I keep thinking that I have you guys for that, right?"
"That's stupid, raags", she said, "these are your people now. Trust them. Love them. Unless you take the plunge, you will never be an involved person."

I listened to her. I somehow opened up to Dhum. He was one of the first few people I spoke with, and spoke a lot with.

Then, slowly, I got close to another friend. Let's call this friend Deshi American (DA). He spoke a lot about his life, we had long conversations. But I wouldn't open up to him. I wouldn't talk to him about my life. DA kept asking me why I did not talk to him, why I did not open up to him. And I said I don't know. I could feel my brain telling me, its because you don't trust him with your thoughts, opinions, ideas and feelings. But I could trust Dhum with it. But not DA. Dunno why.

DA and me are not close anymore. He has suddenly become very close to RM. And I find myself being glad about the fact that I never trusted him with my thoughts, because I definitely do not trust RM with it. And DA has become annoyingly formal with me since he has grown closer to RM. I can NOT take formalities within friendship.

And I have another beautiful friend. Pal. She is simple, straight-forward, caring, trust me implicitly and I am slowly realizing that I trust her implicitly too. And I have realized that I miss her presence if I don't meet her for more than a couple of days.

And there is Pik, he is the third dimension of my brother and Veeru. He is just someone who can be trusted implicitly. He is someone who will talk about everything to me. He is someone who, while watching a movie, will suddenly sigh and say, "I want to see you with a boyfriend, Pragni". And then looking at my baffled expression he will pass a stupid comment lightening the moment.

I cannot not mention Petrovski. He is not on campus yet. I know I probably shouldn't trust him that much. But I do. We have a very informal friendship. He is very easy to talk to, to trust. He actually exercises his rights on me as a friend, which is a sure shot way of gaining brownie points with me. I feel like wanting to make his transition to U of I as easy as possible. Telling him everything that I would have loved to know before I got here. I want to be able to make the smooth transition to a real friendship with him. He started blogging after reading my blog. Which, is a huge honor for me, really. Every time he thinks about getting an apartment, he asks me if I see myself hanging out there once he comes. And I think that is the cutest thing possible. He is not really a part of the circle, but somehow I already associate him with us.

I have realized that next year, I am taking an apartment near Dhum and Pal, just so that, even though I'll be living alone, I will be with my these few people I trust implicitly. These are also the only few people on my campus who know that I blog. That's a different thing that only Dhum and Petrovski reads.

I hope to goodness's sake that nothing happens to all of us. That nothing touches the trust that we have. To this Dhum will say in his characteristic way, "Eh-screw you.. nothing will..", Pik will just smile that beatific smile of his and put an arm around my shoulder. And Pal will give me her bone crushing hug and say, "you shut-up now".

So I shut-up now.. and I get back to studying which the rest of these people are doing and I am not.

Numbing the Numbers- a meme

So here is a Numbers Meme that Ideasmith tagged on to me really long back. Like, five months ago. But I just wasn't doing it because I thought no one would be interested in knowing more about me through a Meme, really. I mean, just because I think Meme's are fun, doesn't mean the person who reads this will think so too. But, apparently I was wrong. Dhum has been behind me to put up the one and only Meme I have ever been tagged for, and so, since I do have someone interested enough to read my Meme here it is..

LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU’VE NEVER SAID BEFORE:

1) Wow, I am soo thin/ wow, I have a super figure.
2) I want to fit in with the crowd..
3) Can you take me to so-n-so place
4) Oooh, I love parties!!!

LIST ANY NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU’VE FELT THIS WEEK:

1) Seene mein jalan, aankhon mein toofan sa kyu hai
2) Under my Umbrella
3) Bhagam Bhaag
4) (Waiting for) A better tomorrow
5) I'm not a girl, not yet a woman..

IMAGINE YOU’RE HAVING THE IDEAL PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING?

1) Being home, sitting with mom and reading a book
2) Sitting at bandstand fort, or at the far corner of Silver Beach with Mr. Pilot
3) On the bike, on a long stretch of road, at 140 kmph
4) Listening to music without thinking a thing

MAKE UP FIVE CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:

1) Just Because
2) The way to go
3) The Backbenchers
4) Sunset rock
5) Blue and Green

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HAVING TO HEAR THEM. WHAT THREE SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE?

1) All metallic, heavy songs with meaningless lyrics
2) I would love to erase the existence of Limp Bizcit or whatever he/she is
3) Dil le gayi kudi Gujarat di

I am hoping I haven't jinxed my chances of getting more Meme's because of the late deliverance on this one.. :) And to pass this along, I tag Puneet and Anirudha, because I don't know of any other blogger who reads these dreams.. and who can take this Meme ahead..

Who said Voice Message system was stupid!!!

Whirrr Click.. You have reached the Voice Mailbox of.... ~The Dream Catcher~.

You have... Nine new messages..

First Message - Benaa, where are you.. every time we call your phone goes to your voice mailbox. Call back quick (Mom)

Second Message - Hey, I am really sorry. Din't mean to upset you, I just said what I said because you said that she did not know what you said, and I did not know if she knew so I just did not say anything. I hope you got what I said. Mumble-mumble mumble. Call me back, k? (Dreamer, friend over here)

Third Message - Paraaaggg, where are you yaar. Throw, just throw your phone away. I reallllyy need to talk to yaar. What is this yaar. I will call you later ok? Take care yaaaarrr.. (Mr. Pilot)

Fourth Message - Bena, tel lagava ja. (Literaly translated - Go apply oil, actually means - GET LOST). Hmphh. Call me back. QUICKLY. (Mom)

Fifth Message - This is an automated message for Rwanda Cole. Are you Rwanda Cole? You have $ 5400 left in debt with United Colors of Benetton due to the over limit purchasing of $ 5300. Please pay your dues. Thank you Rwanda Cole. (Unknown debt payment system that insists that I am Rwanda Cole, although I have replied in the negative to her initial question atleast half a dozen times)

Sixth Message - BETA!! Mom is waiting for your call. Where are you? Why aren't you calling back? Quick. (Dad)

Seventh Message - Bena, never mind. If you are studying then call on my cell after you are done ok? (Brother)

Eight Message - Love, are you ok? Call. ( Mom)

Ninth Message - Static... Pause.... Cough.... Click.



Voice Messages are fun!!!!

Now that mom dad have gone back to India, wonder who will leave so many messages :(

Life took the Backseat in the Roller Coaster..

Life is a rollercoaster. Really. But the ups are really short, and the lows are really long. I guess I am getting too clichéd now...

Anyway, a few people who are really silent readers of my blog, or so I believe. I hope they are not total non-readers :(. So, these people, suddenly got active, in their own way, and delighted me. Absolutely delight me.

Pri, is leaving for her masters abroad soon. Technically I can't say that she is leaving, since I am not there, as in in Mumbai, to bid adieu, but, anyway. So as she finally, FINALLY, disembarks on her further studies, she left me a beautiful, beautiful gift. A blog. Something just between the two of us. It feels like its a hotline of some sort. London to US: DIRECT. (No, the link on her name above is not to her blog. Dint I say that it is just between the two of us??) There have been quite a few friends of mine who have started blogging after witnessing my mania.
Or so I like to believe. Just humor me if it's not that way, OK?
But, this is a blog made just for me and her. I don't blog in it. She does. For me to read. I think its a wonderful thing to do. Especially since she knows how important it is for me!!

Also, another friend, who I have surprisingly started talking to quite a bit, talking about life here and all called me suddenly. Nothing so huge about this. Except that I had never spoken on the phone with said friend before. When Unknown Number Calling, flashed on my phone, I assumed it was Mr. Pilot, and I picked up with a cheery "hello".

"Pragni?" (Pronounced as Prugni, like in a short 'a', not the elongated way it actually is. And anyone who doesn't know me in real life will obviously not know how to pronounce it right. Like I guess those few reading this and who don't know me personally, mispronounce it. Yes, I'm sure you do it too!!)

So said friend is in Petrovski, which is not a place, but is just what I call the place from where said friend hails. So Petrovski (as we shall call said friend) has never spoken to me on the phone. NO we are not net friends. We were supposed to be humwatans in this place here, but his end of the things dint work out. I was too surprised to hold a proper conversation I think, but I was pleased, supremely pleased. It's not everyday that someone calls just because, "I couldn't come online too often, and because of this new time difference between us now, I just don't ever see you online!!"

And the third non-active friend. Who was not supposed to be a part of this post really, but got included in it, just because of his enthusiasm to see my next post up and on. So this friend is also someone studying here at the U of I (notice how I don't say UIUC anymore.. we are actually the U of I!!) This friend, better called Dhum ( short for Dhum dhum dhadam dhadaiya re), revealed to me sometime back that he reads my blog. Which induced a Cheshire Cat kind of a grin from me. Nothing pleases me more. And since then, he has been on my case to get me to blog more often. Everyday I am greeted with a "Hey, did you post something new??".

Dhum, I don't think I have told you, but I find this REALLY sweet. Keep it up will ya? Motivates me to getting my fingers moving along the keyboard (Another huge Grin).

So that's the ups on my life's roller coaster as of now. Recounted so that they last longer!! Hope I dont sad enough to start recounting the downs too... :)

Wish Blogger had smileys that I could include in the post yaar..

Disposable..

“She is flighty,” Vishal’s mother, Anuradha, said with a sniff.

“Amma, she has been my best friend since the last 12 years now. You know I have been in love with her since the beginning. You knew it all along. I know her well, She knows me well. She has finally agreed to marry me. Why are you disagreeing then?” Vishal said a tad impatiently.

“Vishie beta, you know.. her… about her.. all those boy-friends,” Amma said the word boyfriends almost as if she would contract some disease by its utterance.

“Mother, please. She has friends; I am one of her friends. But I love her. I always have. She is really very.. nice” Vishal finished a little lamely. He did not have a better word to describe his best friend and not soon-to-be-wife Raina. He did not know how to tell his mother that Raina knew him best. Raina understood him better than his own mother. She advised him better. Raina was truly wise, and she took responsibility for every action of hers. Yes, she had had a string of boyfriends, but not once had she shirked any responsibility which the consequences brought about. Raina had never been serious with any of those guys, and she had never faked a single thing. Vishal had seen Raina not at the helm of a situation only once. When he had met her all those years back, when she was nursing a severe heart break. Vishal had stood by her while Raina pulled herself out of her depression, while Raina regained her dignity and composure, Vishal had been falling in love with her. But Raina had refused. I don’t want to burn the bridge of our friendship behind us, she had said.
She had a lot of relationships since then, but she never started one with Vishal. They were for forever, she had maintained.

Now after 12 years, Raina had finally agreed to marry him. She had said she was ready to take the responsibility of it. If he could convince his parents. It had seemed like an easy task but..

“Vishal, I am not old-fashioned. I do understand this love business. But.. I always hoped you’d like a more reliable person.”

“But I have never known anyone more reliable then Raina. Amma, I am 29, don’t you think I understand what marriage is all about. Don’t you think I understand what kind of a commitment it is?”

“Age will never explain to you what marriage is all about,” Anuradha said sharply. She took a breath, cooled down, and continued in a gentler tone, “Look, if you both are sure, then I am not going to stop you. But I hope you both can take the responsibility of marriage. Only being best-friends will not last you through it”

Vishal was speechless for a few seconds. His mother had said exactly what Raina had. This made him more confident about her. “Amma, friendship alone might not last us through it, but it sure will help. I am sure of it.”

“Ok then, we should talk to her parents next, hai na?,” Amma conceded.

--------

“Bhaiya, I really like Raina, and I have always known you were in love with her. But..,” Jyoti had specially dragged Vishal out of the house on the pretext of buying Mithai.

Vishal knew she had something important to talk about. “But, are you fine with her past? I know all about her bhaiya, she is my friend too. I am not talking only of Abhay, but all the other flings she had and all that..”

“Jo, Raina agreed to marry me. You know Raina. If she has agreed, then she will keep the faith intact. I trust her.” There was nothing to hide from Jo, although she knew Raina only after Vishal, Jo and Raina were very compatible.

“I do too. And I know she never lies. But I was just wondering if you are comfortable. You have a long life ahead now, together, you know. Anyway, I think gulab Jamuns are more festive. But what if they leak on the way to her place?,” Jo was satisfied. And at peace. She knew Raina would keep her brother happy, and she knew her brother loved Raina like crazy. Things would turn out fine.

-----

Raina’s parents agreed immediately. They had known of Vishal’s love for their daughter since long too, and they liked the boy. A little immature, but very reliable. And he truly loved Raina. He had waited for her all these years.

While the parents looked up dates, Raina and Vishal retreated to the terrace. They loved sitting in the swing there. Silently, looking at all the trees peeping into the top floor.

“Raina..”
“Hmm..”
“Rae, are you sure of this?”
Raina turned her gaze on her best friend. Sometimes, Vishal thought, it feels like Raina can read my thoughts. And she mostly could always predict his next move.
“Vishal, I took 12 years to think this through. Are you sure?, ” Raina asked him calmly.
“I love you. I have always waited for this.”
“Loving and waiting are very different from being sure. But I think you might grow into the idea of marriage once you experience it.” Raina looked away. For once, she was a little unsure about what Vishal would do in the future.

-----

“Are you going to call Abhay? Or any of the rest, that you are in touch with?” Vishal asked Raina a few days before the wedding, on the phone.

“Hmm, I will inform Abhay. He deserves that much. And I don’t think I will invite Gaurav, or Mayank or Rolan or anyone for that matter.” Raina said thoughtfully, “And Vishal, before you ask, I don’t want you to call preeti too. Let us both let bygones be bygones.”

“Oh I was not going to call her anyway,”Vishal lied, knowing very well, that Raina would see through the lie.

“Yea, right,” she said.

“Raina,” Vishal said after a pause, “We will be happy..” His statement was toned like a question.

“Marriage is not disposable Vishal, remember that. Always”.

-----

“Want to grab some lunch, love?” Vishal asked Raina.
“Hmm… I am elbow-deep in work Vishal…” Raina said apologetically.
“Which is why, I keep telling you to drop that job, and join me. But I know you wont listen.”
“Ok. Lets do one thing. Come over to my office, we’ll have lunch at the little pizzeria next door”
“Uhh.. and have your entire office staff peering down our shoulders? No thanks. You carry on with your work, I’ll see you tonight at home.”
“But.. oh. Ok.” Raina said, slipping out of her, let’s-go-out mood.
“Are you going to be at work late today?,” Vishal asked suddenly.
“Hmm.. mm. I’ll be home by 9:30 or so. You are cooking dinner tonight right?”
“Yeah. Stir-fry.”
“Ok then. I’ll see you at the dinner table!!” Raina said, injecting some cheer into her voice.

-----

Raina walked into the foyer of her building and waited for the elevator. When she stepped into the yawning door, she heard a clatter of heels. Surprised she was about to stop the door from closing but it snapped shut anyway. She punched in the open door button, but when the doors yawned open again, there was no one on the other side. Maybe that someone had clattered down the stairway, not towards the lift.

Raina turned the key into the door, and walked in. The table was not set. And the spicy sting of the stir-fry was not wafting around in the air.

“Vishal?,” Raina opened the bedroom door and walked in. Vishal was lounging on the bed. Doing nothing. He grinned at her brightly.

“Are you alright?” she asked him, standing at the door.

“Rae, you are early. It’s just… uh 9..” he slurred, “come, let’s go to sleep.”

“Aren’t we eating any dinner?” she asked him, not moving an inch from her stand.

“I din’t cook anything. I forgot. Went to sleep. Can you rustle up something? I’m hungry too”

“Corn Flakes, Toast and Cold Milk. With fruits,” she said in one breath, “wash your face and come to the table.”

“Yes, Rae”

She had his bowl ready. She knew how he liked his cereals. Chopped fruits, lots of flakes, cold milk and a chunk of chocolate hidden somewhere inside. Toasts on the side plate.

She sat with her mug of cold milk. She told herself she needed the strength. He slunk into his chair, picked up the spoon and stirred the mixture around. He avoided her eyes.

“Did you ever think of Abhay after our marriage, Rae” he asked after a lengthy, pregnant pause.

“Yes, I did. But I never contacted him again. And you know I don’t talk to Gaurav or anyone else too”

“Hmm,” he had even started talking like her. Living with her, he had picked up parts of her living, and made it his.

Raina gave up the pretence of eating. She just looked at Vishal, waiting for him to talk about it.

He looked up, and his face crumbled.

"How did you know Rae," he stumbled, "Please Rae, I'm sorry. I wont talk to her again. Please Rae. Rae I love you, but.. " Vishal was spluttering helplessly now

“Marriage is not disposable Vishal, I had asked you to remember that.”

Things I learnt today..

"There is a limit to how important you can be your friends and how important they
can be to you, but there is absolutely NO limit to how important you will be for
your family and how important your family will be for you."

"No matter who does or does not, your family will ALWAYS stand besides you."

"Its disconcerting to think when someon else sitting next to you is also
thinking, and looking the part.."

Results..

I can't talk much these days, but I took the call. Premonition.

And tears sprung into my eyes.. I turned and looked at mom, held up my index finger.

"First?", she asked. I nodded. Tears sprung into her eyes.

Dad walked into my room, looked at both of us. Mom told him, I hung up the phone by then, and turned to them, and told them,

"First, in my university. I beat Lubna and Elaine."

Tears sprung into his eyes.

There are some moments, for which your entire life waits. This was one of them. This was my mother's vision, that one day, I will top. This was what she kept trying to explain to me all those years, when I had given up on life, studies and classrooms.

I beat an academically promiscuous girl who is also a yes-man for the entire faulty (this change in words has been done coz Tag Heuer deeply and gravely opposes profanity) and someone who had all the papers in her hands. After my final exams got over this May, I was going to write a long post about one person from my class who had all the papers in her hands because she was romancing a higher up in the dept., giving work to another, and buttering up the HOD. I was going to question her morality.. But I let it go thinking.. that it wasn't worth it. Giving her that kind of publicity.

I cant believe its happened.. that I have finally achieved what my mother always knew I could, what my brother always thought was possible for me, what my friends, Anu and Divya always had faith in, what I never thought I could...

I wanted to, but I dit know I could leave the department with a splash as big as this!!

And I will blog...

My mom has been insisting on reading my blog. Which is good news. But for the fact that I wanted her to read it once I left. And of course, she insists on reading it right now. So we havebeen methodically going over each post from the very beginning..

And I realized, that in the beginning I spoke of my opinions, my emotions, my thoughts so freely. No reigns.. I spotted an issue, discussed it with someone, or directly on my blog, and expressed all my opinions. That's what I guess blogging is about. Somehow, from quite a few months, every post I write, I either delete, save as a draft or save it to my desktop. Because either I think that it's fruitless to write about these emotions, or that it's getting too public. Maybe this changed happened because of the fact that I met my fellow bloggers, a few who were my readers.

I became vulnerable with that meet. I guess its a very human process. I wondered during the meet what would happen, then I wondered if I fit in. I realized that I normally dont fit in anywhere.. I'm not the fitting kinds!! But I made a few.. friends.. I guess.

One such blogger, Idea, told me one day that she'd like to read the drafts.. the one's that I havent published on the blog, and I was delighted. But then like many things said and forgotten.. it was too.

But reading all my old blogs today.. I remembered what I felt at each moment, and whether it was pain, joy, sorrow, the good, the bad, the ugly.. It felt beautiful now. To me. And so I will blog about it. I will write.

And If I ever think that the blog has become to public, I'll just shift the sands again and take up another blog somewhere else!! I'll keep you posted..