Tears..

I looked at my laptop screen in front of me and willed it as far away from me as possible. It dint go. I looked again and finally clicked on the words,

View Scores

And my eyes filled with tears.


Some people are plain cranky.. some people are plain hard hearted. I call myself a convert.

I used to be a real cry baby when I was a kid, but hey, who isn't?? Then, experiences and sad loves of teenage years made me hard hearted. I remember one time my best friend, the doc, came up to me and said,

"Pragni, please cry. For once. Cry out of your pain,
your sadness, or anything at all. But cry."

Ofcourse, hearts heal, or you learn to move on. And then you start smiling again. More importantly you start laughing and crying again. But there is still a guard on the emotions. And this is how people are shaped. Moulded and set into a cast which fits them for a lifetime, except for some chips.

But there have been very very few times that I have cried out of happiness. One was when a dance I had choreographed had been executed to absolute perfection. It was the perfect performance all performers, choreographers and guru's vie for. When the dance was in action, my eyes were full of tears.

That one was unexpected. So was this one.

The second time. My orkut scrapbook told me that my results were out. My TOEFL results. The score card said that I got 118. On 120.

I expected 100, I wanted 115, I got 118. I also did not want 115. 'Coz now I don't want to go to US. I want to go out and study but for some reason, not USA. As soon as I told everyone about it, EVERYONE said, "Now you are set to leave." I don't want to.


Doc had also told me once,

"Daarling, you always say you wont get good marks on this exam or you wont get thru this entrance. But you always do. You'll get good scores in GRE and TOEFL both. Just you see."

This one is for you daarling. And your absolute trust in me. Even I don't trust myself that much.

The 118 filled my eyes with tears. I'm still trying to figure out if they were happy tears or sad. I don't know. I think I don't know.

My first film..

So I'v been away. Not away as in out of town, but away from my blog. Coz another baby occupied my time up entirely. I was sitting on the computer day in and day out, but I forgot to log on to the internet all those times. I was still straining my eyes while I poured over the comp screen, but I forgot my blog address and my inbox altogether.

I was too busy making my first film. It's a raw kind of film, made from still picture clippings, and mixed with my voice over and a sound piece which i had to search and search for. But it's the first film I have made from start to finish, meaning editing, sounds, directing (if you can call it that) and voice over. Its not fiction.. but I dont think its non-fiction too. My prof believes that it's not a very good film yet, he says I can do better than this if I want to present the film to anyone. Hmm.. so here is the link and the embedded window too. Whichever works..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmSpHdmyZhs

Application horrors..

For some reason, I still believe that I will not go to USA finally. For some reason, my mind believes that I will not get admission into any of the universities I apply to, and that will be the end of it all. And oh! I will also not get good TOEFL scores that means that no USA at all. And because I am subconciously ready for this, I am consciously also waiting for it. Which mean that now, I actually dont want to go to US anymore.

I checked the website of a very famous media school in India, which has a 6 months creative communications course which is perfect for me. Only it is a certificate course. But I am almost ready to compromise with my want for a masters degree and my desire to stay here, in India.

I have been calling my department at college continuously from the last week trying to fix an appointment with a particularly elusive professor who has agreed to sign a recommendation. Finally today I just dropped my reco with the co-ordinator and begged him to read it out to the prof while she's smoking her usual 3 ciggs before the lecture. He has agreed, but I need to call him again on Monday morning to remind him about this.
I was finally given the letterheads I have been running behind from the last 2 weeks. The female makes me wait for half an hour coz its her lunch time (at 2:30 goddamit) and then she says, "Oh sirf letterhead chahiye tha toh pehle bolna tha na..". The transcripts have still not arrived. The guy at the counter showed them to me but said, "yeh raat ke file se madam ke paas jayega, woh sign karegi aur fir tayaar hoga". Then he realizes that I gave my application on 20th november and he says he will hurry it up and as a special effort for me, I will not have to produce my reciept to collect them. Can I start pulling out my hair now??

Meanwhile, I have decided to reject the recommendation that was to be signed by my present HOD. He insulted me, and after that there is no need for him to write me a reco. I mean, a professor who shows no conviction in me especially need not write me a reco. Its not about being egoistic, its about wanting the best. And I have realized that he is not the best so I have no need for him. I will most probably use his reco for another professors.

This state of limbo is putting me through awful mood swings. The creative genuis arrives this monday night and I am so happy about it. But the next moment something else strikes me and pulls me down. I must be torture to put up with right now. Have a million assignments to finish, SOP to write, online applications to begin and a movie to make.

And here I am.. blogging..